I just wrote about how someone from my past was chatting with me again. This happens from time to time, but rarely does it lead to anything. I try to be open-minded and give people second chances if they didn’t do anything that hurt me, but it’s not always easy. I haven’t always allowed someone that second chance if I see behaviors from the past happening again or if I realize that I just don’t have the same interest in them again as I did before. It’s tough to tell someone that you just don’t want to try again, especially with some of my anxiety around dating. But I’m getting better about doing that for myself.
I can only think of one other person that I gave a real second chance. And after I did that, he ended up ghosting me again and it showed me that he was not the person I hoped he would be. And while it did hurt when he ghosted me the second time, it felt very different than the first time. It hurt less and somehow it felt more settled and I was at ease. I couldn’t figure out how to put words to my feelings, but I finally figured it out after this past weekend.
I gave the guy I mentioned last week another chance and saw him this past weekend. There were a lot of things we needed to talk about because we hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years. There were misunderstandings from our past that we never discussed with each other. And I was very hesitant to see him because I didn’t know if he could be the type of guy that I am looking for. But I wanted to hear what he had to say, and I think we did have a good discussion about what a future could be.
In the past, I did play cool and was scared of scaring someone off if I came off too strong. I don’t know if it’s age or experience, but I don’t care if I scare someone off anymore. I’m not trying to rush anything, but I’m also not scared to say what I want long-term. I’m not avoiding the question or just saying that I don’t know what I want. I do know and I’m looking for someone who wants the same. And with this guy before, I wasn’t always just playing cool but there was some confusion about what I wanted. And I might not have been as clear to him at the end as I should have been. But this time, we were both very clear about what we wanted and what a relationship would look like to us. It was a really good conversation and some of the things we discussed were things I never really have talked about with other guys I’ve dated. So I was happy where things left off because I said exactly what I would need from him to be ok pursuing something further.
And I really don’t know if he could be the guy that I need. I think he is still uncertain about some things for his future and how he sees dating. I told him that he knows exactly where I stand and what I need, so it’s up to him if he wants things to move forward. I don’t want to have to force someone to make plans with me. I know he wants to see me again, but I’m not someone’s backup plan or just waiting for when they tell me they are free so I can drop everything to see them. I want plans. I don’t need to be someone’s first priority in life, but I should be a bit of a priority. And I don’t know if he is willing to plan things in advance since before he preferred to make plans only a few hours in advance.
Before I saw him again this past weekend, I had a lot of “what if” questions in my head. We didn’t end because of anything bad, it just fizzled out when we were looking for different things. And I always wondered if there could have been more. And now looking back at that time, I think I wondered that because I was never upfront and honest about what I wanted or how I like to date. I was letting others dictate how dating looked and just went along with it instead of asking for what I felt it could be.
And now, I feel so much more settled about how things left off. I might see him again and I might not. But I’m not wondering anymore because I was very clear with him about my feelings and I didn’t hold anything back. And as I was thinking back on this past weekend and the guy last year who I gave another chance, I realized what the feeling was getting after seeing these guys again was closure.
I know that you can’t necessarily get closure on a past relationship. There are ways to get a bit of closure, but there are usually things left unsaid or unanswered. But the closure I got last year and this past weekend wasn’t from the guys I saw. This was the closure I got from my past self who was scared to stand up for herself. I got closure from the past when I didn’t do what I should have done the first time. I have closure about wondering if these guys could be the guys I would need in my life without wondering if I gave them the chance to rise to that expectation. I wasn’t looking for closure with either of them, but it appears that’s what I got and probably what I needed.
Even if I continue to see the guy from this past weekend, I still got closure on our past and that would allow us to move forward. I know I’m a different person than I was 5 years ago and wouldn’t want to be judged based on my past self. And I shouldn’t be judging him on his past self. I can still expect and want something different from before, but I shouldn’t be judging the past and assuming he couldn’t be different now. He would still have to show me some things that prove he has changed, but I’m looking at it as asking someone new if they could be that type of person.
I never really understood how my past was so unfinished and I know I can’t change the past. But I guess I found a way to finally close the chapter from years ago and potentially start a new chapter with someone. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens with him. But I do know that if we don’t move forward, I finally feel like I have made myself heard in a past relationship and that is a powerful feeling.
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