The book I wrote about online dating has been a work in progress for a long time. I’ve written several versions of it over the past few years. And even now that I have the version and style that I want to stick with, I’ve been making edits and changes from time to time.
Most of the time, those changes are due to having new stories to add. For example, I’ve added stories about dating during a pandemic and how to make it happen. I’ve written about how I’ve been doing phone dates, video chat dates, and virtual dates with apps like Netflix Party. And I just had a story to add about the first time I was stood up for a virtual date. I was supposed to watch a movie with a new guy over Netflix Party. But when I went back to the app to message him the link for our movie, he had unmatched with me. While I don’t understand standing someone up at all, this was a new level. All he had to do was watch a movie from home with me, and he couldn’t even do that. But it was fine, I watched the movie on my own that night and it was not a big deal. It was a little annoying, but almost funny how I find new ways I am disappointed by the guys I meet on the apps.
But very rarely, I have an update on a past story that took a new twist.
At the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, I met someone on one of the apps and we started seeing each other. We didn’t go out that many times or for that long (it was under a month), but it still felt very different from other guys I had dated before. There was something comfortable and made me feel at ease when I was out with him. We seemed to be really good intellectual matches for each other. He followed through when he said he’d text me or when we made tentative plans for a date. Neither of us were scared to talk about our feelings and be very open and honest.
I really thought things were going great until he ghosted me.
Being ghosted by this guy hurt a lot. It wasn’t the first time I was ghosted (and I wouldn’t be the last), but there was something about him that made it hard for me to believe that he would be someone who would ghost. He had been so open about things before that I thought if he didn’t want to see me again, he would be open and just tell me. It didn’t help that not long after he ghosted me, the pandemic started. He was the last guy I dated before the pandemic. And when I wrote his story in my book, a lot of it was about how he ghosted me and how it hurt differently from other times I was ghosted.
But then the other day, he and I matched again on an app. I was a little shocked to match with him. I had swiped right almost out of curiosity, not expecting he would swipe right on me as well. We matched on an app where either of us could start the conversation, and I decided to wait to see if he would message me. I wondered if it was a mistake. Maybe he swiped right on everyone and then looked at his matches to be more selective (there are plenty of people who do that). But to my surprise, he messaged me pretty soon after we matched.
And he did refer to our brief past and how it was nice to see me again. So we messaged back and forth a bit before I decided to be a bit bold. I asked him if he was messaging with me just to chat or if he was interested in me again. I honestly didn’t know. And he said he was interested and asked me how I felt. I said that we had a lot to talk about, but it would be good to see him again. So we made plans to see each other the next day.
It was a bit weird to see him again. I never expected to see him again after he ghosted me, but I always told myself that I wanted to confront him if I did. I know that people say that being ghosted has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person who is the ghoster. But it’s hard to believe that at times. So I wanted to ask him why he did it. I didn’t necessarily care as much as why he didn’t want to see me again, but I wanted to know why he chose ghosting as the method.
We had some small talk when we saw each other. It was a little awkward. I could feel the elephant in the room and decided to be gutsy again and just ask. So I did. And I was blunt about it. I didn’t hold back in my question or act coy. I flat out asked, “Why did you decide that ghosting me was the best method to end things with me a year ago?”. And I wasn’t expecting a real answer from him, but I did kind of get one. Without revealing too much about what he said, he realized he wasn’t over a past relationship and tried to work on that. And then the pandemic hit so dating took a backseat. I still think he could have texted me to say something, but I also understand a bit. While this doesn’t excuse his behavior, it does explain it.
And we had a really nice time seeing each other again. We still seem to click the way we did a year ago. It seemed like we were both being honest and open with each other. And we both said that we would like to try seeing each other again. So I was hopeful that I could turn the story I had written about him into a more positive thing.
But because the plot twists never seem to end with me, it looks like he has ghosted me again. I’m still hoping maybe he will reach out and explain himself, but it’s almost been a week. No matter how busy you are, you can at least manage a simple text saying that things are busy and you can’t really respond right now. Not communicating at all isn’t something that I’m ok with or comfortable with. And if he does reach out to me again, that’s something that will have to be discussed. But I’m not expecting to hear from him again. I guess ghosting might just be his thing and not a random occurrence when it happened a year ago.
I don’t like that I sound so pessimistic, but at the same time, I don’t want to date someone that I feel so unsure about or that I have to chase down or wonder if they will contact me. I know that there could be a valid reason why this happened, but unless he tells me, I will never know. Maybe in another year, he will reach out again and try to explain himself. At least this time, I feel like I got some closure from the past ghosting, and this time it doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t want to say that I expected it, but it wasn’t as shocking.
So it’s back to the apps for more swiping and matching. And while I’d love to say that I won’t be ghosted again, I know that might not be true. But one day, I’ll find the guy who I click with, feel like I’m a good match with, who follows through, and won’t ghost me.
You Might Also Like
Adventures In Online Dating (or My Luck Might Be Changing)
More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems)
Continuing To Work On My Book (or I Wonder How Many Versions I’ll Have Before I Finish It)
NaNoWriMo Take 2 (or Still Working On The Same Book)
Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)
More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much)
