Just like so many things that happened over the past year and a half, it’s surprising when milestones or anniversaries happen because it doesn’t feel like time has really been passing. I feel so stuck in an endless cycle of a few different things and I really have trouble remembering that things are still going on and time has moved. But just because we are not living our full lives due to the pandemic doesn’t mean these things aren’t happening. And I am now celebrating 20 years of living in LA.
I’ve been a bit shocked with different LA anniversaries in the past. When I celebrated 18 years in LA, that marked when I had spent half my life in the Bay Area and half in LA. Because it always felt like I had spent so much more time in the Bay Area, it felt so weird to know I had spent half my life in each place. But all milestone anniversaries in LA have been things I have celebrated. I haven’t necessarily done anything big to celebrate, but I always think about how many years it’s been since I moved into my dorm room. Somehow, I always knew I was meant to live in LA, and it felt right to me as soon as I moved here. I didn’t always have the perfect situation in LA, but I learned how to make it my home.
And maybe one of the reasons the pandemic has been so hard on me has been how much I have made this city my home. I had things I loved to do and routines I enjoyed. And that all ended so quickly for me and most of it still hasn’t returned. I don’t really feel like I’m living in LA right now. I’m existing but not living. And I miss living in the city that has been my home for 2 decades. I also feel sad for the losses that the city has had. The loss of people and places that so many loved so much because of death and closures. Things that we all assumed would be around forever in LA are gone now. I don’t know if all of it will hit me until I’m out and about in the city more because I’m not confronting things that have changed that much. But I do notice the change and different feelings in the air when I am out and doing something.
But even if I’m not able to celebrate my LA anniversary the way I would like, I still want to celebrate. I’ve experienced so much in 20 years of living in LA. Some of it has been amazing and some of it is very sad. But I have gotten through all of my good and bad days. I have built a life here (even if I’m not really living it right now) and I have grown so much as a person because of the choices I’ve made. And I do look back occasionally with regrets of things I wish I had or hadn’t done, but every choice from my past has made me who I am now. And I am grateful for that.
20 years ago, I had no clue what this city had in store for me. I knew I was going to college and what I hoped to do. But I had no clue how it would happen. And so much hasn’t happened the way most people would accomplish different goals, but it’s ok that I’ve found my own way. And I’m sure if I had told myself 20 years ago what I’d be doing now, I’d never believed it. But I have created a life that I appreciate and am celebrating on this milestone anniversary.
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