Tag Archives: surgery

Forgetting A Medical Miracle Anniversary (or It’s Nice That This Isn’t Something I Think About)

I completely forgot to celebrate the anniversary of my not needing to have liver surgery! I’m usually pretty good about remembering dates and anniversaries, even the weird ones, and somehow this one just slipped my mind. I know it’s not something that I have to remember every year, and with my liver, there are a few different dates that are milestones. But I usually seem to remember to celebrate mid-April when I found out the tumors were shrinking and when I was supposed to have surgery but didn’t need it. I don’t always celebrate on the same date, but April 20th is when the surgery was supposed to be so that date usually sticks in my head.

I’m not too upset that I forgot to celebrate this. I do like to celebrate how awesome it is that this all worked out this way for me, but it’s also nice that it’s not something that dominates my mind anymore. From when I found out about the tumors until the surgery was canceled, this really was a huge focus of my life. I tried to not always think about it, but it’s hard not to when you are preparing for a major surgery and staying in the hospital for an unknown amount of time. Even just planning things out with my parents and where I’d be recovering took a lot of time and organization. And after we found out the tumors were shrinking, I still thought about the tumors a lot because I was always worried that my next scan would show that they grew or something else was wrong.

When I had my last liver MRI, which was exactly 5 years to the day since the first one, the tumors didn’t show any growth or change and my liver surgeon agreed that I no longer need to be monitored. I will always probably have at least one of the tumors (only one is visible but the other two might still be there but too small to be seen), but they are no longer a health risk for me. And since I don’t have to be monitored, I’m not really thinking about it anymore. I don’t have to be scared that something will happen because of how big the tumors are or the various risks that I was warned about when they were found.

This is different from how things are with my hip. I’m frequently reminded of the pain and the fact that I still need surgeries in the future. I can’t ignore that this is still an ongoing health issue for me. I guess the tumors can be considered an ongoing health issue as well, but it’s not something I have to confront on a regular basis. I’m not ignoring the fact that I have them, so I’m still not really drinking since that can stress my liver and I won’t go back on hormonal birth control since that would likely make the tumors grow again. There are a few things in my future that might require me to be monitored again, but they aren’t things that I need to worry about or that would happen unexpectedly.

And the more I’m removed from thinking that I need to have surgery, the more likely it will be that I forgot to remember about it. I’ve had so many random health things I’ve had to deal with over the years, and it’s not a bad thing to not always remember all of them. And yes, celebrating something awesome like not needing surgery is good. But not having to spend time thinking about a stressful time in my life is probably better.

Another Hip Surgery Anniversary (or Making It To Sweet 16)

Yesterday marked 16 years since I had my hip surgery. I didn’t exactly forget about it this time, but I didn’t remember it in time to be able to post about it on here on the actual day. I was in my workout yesterday morning and was thinking about some upcoming events our coach was sharing with us. I was thinking about what day of the week some of those things would be on, and then I realized that day was the 7th and my hip surgery anniversary.

I know that 16 years isn’t exactly a milestone marker, but I think I’m always still in a bit of shock about how well I have done since having that surgery. I was always prepared to have one of the next ones that I would need pretty soon after the first one. My doctors thought I would need at least one more within the next few years. But somehow, I haven’t had to have any other procedures yet. This doesn’t mean I’m out of pain, but I’m not anywhere close to the amount of pain I was in before I had surgery. It’s been a while so I don’t remember exactly how bad the pain was, but I do remember how many painkillers I was on and how much I struggled to walk. And I do remember how little the pain after surgery felt compared to what I was in before.

The pain that I deal with now is a combination of issues with my hips. On the side that was operated on, I am bone on bone. The next surgery I need on that side will be a total hip replacement because there is nothing else they can do to get me out of pain completely. The pain I feel is when my bones hit and when things get out of place. I can’t really describe what that pain is like, but it’s not a sharp pain. It’s a weird dull pain that just feels wrong. But when things get out of place, I do have some tricks to help make that better. On the side that wasn’t operated on yet, the pain I feel is due to the damage that is still there. To remove the damage would make that side be bone on bone, so my doctors said that maybe the next step would just be a hip replacement instead of the surgery I had on the other side. Nothing was really decided or planned since we had no clue how long it would be until I needed the surgeries. And when it came time for them, then we could come up with a plan.

The only plan that was really discussed with me was that the end result would likely be total hip replacements on both sides and that in an ideal world I would not have a hip replacement done before I turned 40. Replacements don’t last forever so the longer you can wait until you get one, the better it is and the fewer future surgeries you might need. And even though I can’t believe my age at times, I’m only about a year away from that milestone birthday. So there is a good chance that I will make it to 40 before having a replacement.

I remember when I had the first surgery 16 years ago that turning 40 seemed like a lifetime away. While I always hoped I would not need surgery before then, I also worried that things would be so bad that I wouldn’t be able to wait that long either. I’m seriously so grateful that while I have dealt with pain, it has never gotten so bad that I considered that I would need a hip replacement. I thought maybe my other side would need that first surgery, but when I had my last exam and x-rays on my hips, the doctors could see some damage but it was not that much worse than what it was like before. And that does make sense since the pain I’ve been feeling over the years has been pretty stable and hasn’t gotten much worse over the years. I have good days and bad days, but they are still pretty similar to what they have been like for a long time.

Next year’s hip surgery anniversary will be right before I turn 40. And as long as things continue the way they have been going, I should still be fine without having to have another surgery before then. And I don’t plan on getting surgery after I turn 40 unless I really need it. My goal has always been to go as long as I could before the next one because that will help me have the best results long term. But it will be nice to know in a year that I have made it to that big goal my surgeon set for me so many years ago.

5 Year Anniversary Of Being A Medical Miracle (or Somehow This Feels Like The Last Big Milestone)

5 years ago today, I was supposed to have my liver surgery. Because I seem to be a medical miracle and my tumors shrank, the surgery was pushed off. I think originally we thought that we would see what size they would stabilize at and then plan for the surgery. Obviously, the smaller the tumors are, the easier the surgery would be. And because of how my tumors are stuck in my liver, the smaller the tumors would be when I had surgery, the more of my liver I could keep. I know livers are weird and can regenerate, but it’s always better to not have to regenerate as much. Originally, I think we were thinking that I would lose 20-30% of my liver in the surgery. But if the tumors shrank and I only had to lose 10%, that would be a much easier recovery for me.

Even with how much the tumors shrank within the first 6 months, I never expected that the surgery would be completely put off. But every time I went in for my MRIs, the tumors seemed to get smaller and smaller. And at one of my last in-person appointments with my liver surgeon, we discussed that my situation was now where they wouldn’t recommend surgery for me. The tumors were small enough that they were no longer as life-threatening (although there are still things that could happen that would be more dangerous for me than for others because of them). And the placement of the tumors would actually be harder to remove than when they were at the biggest size. It would be more of an issue to remove them than to leave them there. So the plan was that I would do one more MRI and as long as they didn’t grow I wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore.

My last MRI got pushed off by a year because of the pandemic. But it worked out just fine because at my last appointment my surgeon said I could do the next MRI in 1 year or 2, so I was still following the recommendations he gave to me. And as I wrote in my post after the MRI, the tumors were the same size they were 2 years prior. Of the 3 tumors I had originally, only 1 could be seen and it was 10% of the original size. I didn’t even have an in-person follow-up with my surgeon after the results. He let me know the tumors were stable and that I no longer needed to be monitored.

My last MRI was 5 years to the day from my first MRI, and that made the 5-year mark feel extra special. And since today marks 5 years since I didn’t need surgery, it somehow feels like the end too. I won’t have future MRIs to check on things (unless things take a drastic turn) so I won’t be celebrating the tumors shrinking or being stable. And I know I can continue to celebrate each year that passes after I didn’t have to have surgery, but there’s something about knowing I had the last MRI that makes this non-surgery anniversary feel like it’s the last one too. Then again, I still celebrate how many years have passed since my hip surgery, so there’s a good chance I’ll continue to celebrate this too.

And maybe this feels a bit like the end because I’m moving away from the place I was living the entire time I dealt with the tumor saga. I had a similar feeling when I moved away from the apartment I lived in during the time I had my hip surgery, but it wasn’t as strong. But my hip issues continue to this day versus the tumors which really don’t have to be something I think about all the time.

Whether or not I continue to celebrate this medical miracle anniversary, I love knowing that I’m 5 years past the date that I was supposed to have major surgery. And while for a few years after it was a little stressful not having the surgery and still being worried about the tumors, I’m still grateful I didn’t have to go through that and I have been told by my surgeon that I can move on and not think about this anymore.

Taking Time To Heal Was The Right Thing (or Giving Myself A Week Helped)

It was just about a week ago that I had the unexpected in-office procedure done on my foot. And it’s been an interesting healing process for me. Because I wasn’t prepared for this, I had to figure out how to manage healing and what I would need to get. And I had to find what I could get delivered to my house since I was struggling to walk at first.

When I was at that appointment, I asked the doctor how long before I was healed. He said that it would be about a week before I felt like I could walk again with some weight on my heel and it might be another week or two before I’m fully healed. And I needed to allow myself that time so that I wouldn’t form scar tissue or a scab, which could make things harder for me.

Most of last week was spent at home going nowhere. I wasn’t using the crutches in my house since I had a soft boot from the doctor that I could wear and I just walked on my toes. It wasn’t the best thing to do because I started to get shin splints, but it was much easier than using crutches. When I had the rare errand out of my house last week, I was using crutches because I needed the support.

Then over the weekend, I started to use the cane that I already had. Again, I only used it outside of my house since I could walk on my toes while inside. And I was still limiting my errands outside my house so I could relax and not accidentally do too much.

And now that it’s been a week, it seems like my doctor was right. Monday night was the first time I was testing putting weight on my heel again. It was not easy and I do still have some pain, but it was manageable. And on Tuesday and Wednesday, most of the time I was walking pretty close to normal. I still put more weight on my toes than I do on my heel, but it’s not too uneven. And I feel like each day I can put a little more weight on my heel and it’s a little less painful.

But I know I’m not done recovering just yet. When I change the bandage, I can see that it still needs to be covered and that I need to give things a bit more time. But I think seeing how much progress I’ve made in a week is a sign that giving up my time to focus on healing was the right thing. It was frustrating and I was impatient at times, but it’s clear my body needed me to do that so I could be feeling close to normal now. It would have been more frustrating if I was still a few steps back in my healing and stuck there for longer.

Hopefully my doctor was right and it’s only another week or two before I don’t have to worry about letting my heel get better and I can be back to everything normally. But at least a week in, I’m able to start adding a few things back and I am feeling much better.

Not The Workout Week I Expected (or I’m Craving My Workouts)

From the time I started at Orangetheory, I was always doing at least 3 workouts a week. But more often than not, I have done 4 workouts a week. This has been my regular schedule and I rarely have things happen in my life that prevent me from achieving this. Even when I was working out at home, I was still getting in my workouts on my own. I have been sick in the past and needed a day off, but that’s pretty much the extent to my absences from my workouts.

Until this past week.

Because of the procedure done on my foot, the only workout I was able to make it to was on Monday. I was planning on going to all my workouts last week and I even asked the podiatrist how many days would I need to rest. I knew while he was cutting into my foot that I would have to take the next day off, but I really thought I’d be able to make it back at some point in the week. But when he told me it would be probably a week or two before I could fully put weight on my foot, I felt defeated.

I said when writing my goals for the year how my workout goal was going to be the easy one for me. But taking a week or two off would possibly prevent me from getting there. But I know if I don’t allow myself to heal, I could cause some issues that would last longer than taking the recovery time. So I had to accept that I would only make it to one workout last week and be ok with that.

But every morning I woke up last week and knew it was supposed to be a workout day, I was sad I was missing out. I wasn’t expecting to need this time off (like I was planning for my liver surgery that was canceled). I hadn’t mentally prepared for it. I wasn’t depressed, but I was in a funk when I was thinking about how I should be at my workouts at that time.

For this week, I’m honestly not sure what will be happening. I took today (Monday) off because I know I can’t really put my weight on my heel. But I have made progress. I am using the cane I got for my hip and not my crutches. And over the weekend, I slowly have been trying to put a little more weight on my heel instead of walking on my toes. And as I change the bandage, I can see that it’s starting to heal and close up. I wasn’t told an exact point where I could start putting weight on my heel or working out again. I was told I would know when my body is ready. And I know today I’m not ready yet. I’m still not in a normal shoe and I still am very hesitant to put my heel down. But I’m hoping that I will make it back at some point this week. I just don’t know if I’ll make it for 1 workout or maybe 2 workouts. I really doubt I will make it for 3 workouts.

I just have to wait and see what happens. I know I’m still upset about missing workouts and I feel like my body needs them. But I also know my foot isn’t ready to do what I need to do in a workout. So I’m going to keep working on recovering, testing how much I can do, and as soon as I can go back I will be back!

Not Doing A Lot For Now (or Managing Without Preparation)

I haven’t had many surgical procedures in the past. But except for the one on my foot, they were things I planned for and had some preparation done. For my hip surgery, I prepared a lot with different things around my place to manage the day to day stuff after surgery. I had a chair in my shower since I couldn’t stand up unsupported. I had organized things in my room so I didn’t have to search for things I would need. I did similar things for when I had my tonsils out. When I had the surgery on my face, I was prepared with what I would need to take care of my skin and to keep the scar to a minimum. And for my liver surgery that didn’t happen, I was very prepared for recovering at home and the challenges that might bring.

But for my foot, I wasn’t expecting to have anything other than a normal doctor exam. And I know this was a minor procedure and I should recover soon, but I was still unprepared for it. I actually was planning on going grocery shopping after my appointment, which I clearly didn’t do. So when I got home after my appointment, I tried to get some things set up in my house so I could relax while I let my foot recover.

One of the good things about living in such a small space is that I don’t have to do a lot of walking around my house. As long as I’m only stepping down on my toes on my left side, I don’t have to use my crutches. So I haven’t been using them in my house. I’m glad I can do this because crutches are pretty uncomfortable and I wasn’t going to order things online to make them more comfortable.

But I have been figuring out things I haven’t been prepared for and have been finding ways around them. I had to order some medical supplies online to be delivered because I didn’t have what I would need when I changed the bandages. I am grateful for next day delivery because I got everything I needed and I’ve been able to change the bandages and make sure I’m healing well (so far, things look like they are the way they should be). Showering is a bit tough because I’m not supposed to get my foot wet. I wrapped my foot in plastic, put a hair tie around the top, and taped the top of the plastic to try to keep as much water out. And because I have to balance on my toes and my foot is in plastic, it’s a bit slippery. So I put a towel on the floor so there would be a bit more grip there. But it was tough and I know it will be tough for the next week or two.

There are a few things I have to do outside my house while I’m recovering, but I’m trying to limit them or combine what I can into one errand. But I will do what I have to and use my crutches. And I just have to remember that this is only for maybe two weeks.

This will be a blip in my life before I know it. And the most important thing for me to do right now is to take it easy, rest, and let my foot recover and heal so I can move past this.

Not What I Expected From This Appointment (or I Have Some New Accessories For Now)

After my last appointment with my dermatologist, I was told he wanted me to see a podiatrist. My dermatologist had some pretty specific questions about my foot and why the treatments weren’t working the way they should be. His main concern was if the skin in my heel was too thick for the freezing treatment to get into my skin enough to work. So when I set up my appointment with the podiatrist, I figured he would look at my foot, tell me if things were normal or not, and send me on my way.

Well, that’s not exactly how the appointment went.

Pretty much right away, he told me that there was nothing wrong with the skin on my feet. He did tell me that wearing flip flops and flexible shoes isn’t the best option for me, but I also know that for my hips it’s easier to wear flexible shoes. So I might always have thicker heels but that doesn’t really bother me. I use good lotion on my feet and I never thought this could be an issue until my dermatologist said something.

I also know another concern my dermatologist had was about why the last treatment was so painful for me. I think that might have been just random because by the time I went to see the podiatrist, the pain was almost gone and it’s what my foot normally felt like.

So within the first minutes of this appointment, the podiatrist told me there was nothing wrong. But he also said that because this had been taking a while he thought doing some treatment while I was there would be best. And he gave me options and explained the potential treatment plan. The first option was for him to do another freezing treatment. He said that I probably still had quite a few treatments to go before it was gone, but I would know what to expect with pain and recovery. Another option was a type of cream that was more intense and extreme, but I would have to do it multiple times and it is much more painful than the freezing. And the final option for a treatment while I was there was for him to surgically remove the wart from my foot. He said that it would be almost a guarantee for a permanent result. There is always a chance it could come back, but it would be very unlikely. But the downside to having it cut out would be a week or two of recovery.

I really thought the appointment would be an exam and nothing else, so the idea of doing an in-office surgical thing shocked me. But at the same time I knew this could be the easiest thing in the long run for me. So after asking a bunch of questions about what the recovery would be like, I decided to just go for it.

This was a bit different from when the thing on my face was removed by my dermatologist. I still got a shot to numb me, but instead of a little punch incision this was more of cutting around an area. The numbing shot wasn’t fun and I hated the feeling of the pressure while he was cutting into my foot, but at least I wasn’t in that much pain. And it was only a few minutes before he was bandaging up my foot.

Because of the location and size of the cut, I have to stay off of my heel for the next week or two. I currently have a boot for my foot and crutches to use. It was weird using the crutches because when I used them the last time, it was for my hip surgery and I learned how to use them for the opposite side. But at least this time I won’t be using them too long. And while I’m in my house I can just walk on my toes on my left foot and not use the crutches. So my plan isn’t to go that many places until I can put weight on my heel again.

This wasn’t how I thought this week would go and it is changing up what I’ll be doing for the next few weeks, but at least this might be all I need to do and I won’t have to do any more freezing treatments when I see my dermatologist. And since I don’t have a lot of plans outside my house, I didn’t have to change too much with my schedule. It is frustrating to not be able to do things I was hoping to do, but I’m trying to be kind to myself and make sure I focus on healing so this is in my past before I know it.

Another Hip Surgery Anniversary Down (or I Wonder What The Pandemic Means For My Hip Issues)

Today marks another anniversary of my hip surgery. It’s been 14 years since my surgery, and I still am amazed that it has been my only hip surgery so far. I was sure that by this point I would have had at least one more. The goal is still to not need a hip replacement for either side for a few more years (the original goal was to be at least 40 when I get them), and I am glad that I have been able to meet that goal so far.

My hip issues have been a roller coaster since they started. I’ve had lots of good days, lots of meh days, and some really bad days. Sometimes it’s the side that was operated on that hurts and sometimes it the side that hasn’t had surgery yet that is causing the issues. When it’s the side that was operated on that is hurting, I’m terrified that I have caused enough damage that I can’t put off a hip replacement. When it’s the other side, I’m scared that I finally tore the cartilage and will need the first surgery. I have seen a doctor that told me that I was doing fine, so I know that when I have those fears that it’s unlikely to be the real issue. But I can’t help but be scared since the original issue seemed to come on so quickly.

With the pandemic, I’ve noticed some good and bad things for my hips. The good is that I’m not doing as much so I don’t have some of the pain I get from being active. I’m not getting tired, which can cause my posture to suffer and I stand funny. And when that happens, my hip that was operated on can almost slip around in my hip socket. I describe it as dislocating my hip, but it isn’t really that. It just can pop out of place and I have to pop it back in. I know it sounds gross, but I’ve been doing this for so long so I’m used to it. And in the past few months, I’ve rarely had to do it since I’m not moving around as much (which I know has its own problems).

But there has been an unexpected issue that is making things harder for me. I rarely leave my house, but when I do it’s usually to go to the grocery store. I try to do grocery delivery when I can, but there are some stores that don’t have delivery options or I need something and can’t get a delivery time. And when I go to the grocery store, there are lines both outside and inside. Standing still in line is really hard on my hips. It can make walking and moving extremely painful. When I’m lined up inside to pay, it’s not as bad because I can usually lean on the shopping cart. But when it’s outside, I just have to tolerate it. I try to keep shifting my body weight to make it better, but there have been times that I got home from the grocery store and needed to take my strongest painkillers to continue on with my day.

I do have a cane, but I don’t like to use it. I probably need to get over that and bring it with me to the store. Or I need to look at the lines at stores and maybe only go when there isn’t a line. I know there are solutions for this issue, I just haven’t really worked on it yet. And even with the bad days I’ve had recently, it’s still better than the mix of good, meh, and bad days that I normally have. I have had significantly more good days than normal. Overall, I think I’m doing better than normal even if it doesn’t feel like that when I’m having a bad day.

I’m probably overdue to see an orthopedic surgeon again to get some x-rays and an exam. Maybe when things are safer and more normal again I will look into making a new appointment. I’m not too worried about it now because I know that even if the worst-case scenario is happening, nothing is urgent and needs to be dealt with immediately. I can wait a bit to make sure I do things when they are best for me.

Hopefully, in a year things will be normal again and I can celebrate the 15th anniversary of my hip surgery feeling a bit more confident about how my hips are doing. Hopefully, I will have a better idea of what my pain issues are really like and not just what they are like during a pandemic and isolation. It’s not easy to celebrate much these days, but I am celebrating making it 14 years since my hip surgery without needing another one. That’s not something I expected to happen and it’s amazing that it did.

My Hip Surgery Anniversary (or Lucky 13)

I’ve written about my hip surgery on here plenty of times. And I’ve written about the anniversary of my surgery as well. I know it’s something that happens every year, but it still always amazes me when another year passes and I haven’t run into the issues that I am worried about. Before I had my surgery, I knew that I would eventually need a total hip replacement on the hip that was operated on. I didn’t find out until after my surgery that I would likely need the same 2 surgeries on my other hip. I knew that my surgeon wanted to try to wait until I was at least 40 before I had a replacement, but I don’t think he was too optimisic about that. And I was told that I would need the first surgery on my other hip within a few years.

Every surgery anniversary I had I was so happy that I hadn’t needed any other surgeries yet. I was extremely cautious with what I did for a long time becuase I was scared I would do something that would make me need the surgery sooner. I don’t know if it’s because of how careful I’ve been or just luck that has kept my hips in the condition they are in, but whatever it is I’m grateful for it. I don’t want to have any more surgeries. I know that the chance of no more surgeries is extremely unlikely, but I’ve been beating the odds with so many things lately so maybe my hips will be the same.

I have beaten the odds in many ways already with my hips. I was told there were several things that I might not be able to do again, or at least not until I have a hip replacement. I have been most proud of regaining my flexibility after the surgery. It’s still not exactly how it was before, but it’s so close that I think I’m probably the only one who could notice the difference. And I’ve worked on my flexibilty more over the years so many I’ll regain that last little bit one day. The other things I have done that my surgeon didn’t think I could do aren’t as important to me as my flexibility, but it always makes me happy when I know I am doing something that I was told I couldn’t.

I do still have to be careful with a few things because I am at a higher risk for a hip fracture than most people. So anything with a high risk of falling like skiing or skating are really off-limits for me. I could push myself to do them and just try to be careful, but it’s not worth it to me to try. As much as I miss skiing, it’s not worth risking a fracture. There are a few other things that are high fall risks that I have debated about doing, but so far I’ve been avoiding those because I know they are riskier than the other chances I’ve taken with my hips.

This past Sunday marked 13 years since I’ve had my hip surgery. I have easily surpassed the expectations of my surgeon regarding when I’d need my next surgery as well as what I can do. 13 years of beating the odds is pretty amazing. I don’t know if when I had my surgery if I thought about how my life would 13 years later. I probably thought I would have limited movement like I did right before and right after my surgery. But in so many ways, I’m able to do more physically now than I could before the cartilage tear. I know there is no way I thought that would happen.

I do have some issues that didn’t exist for me before the tear happened. I have pain that never existed for me before. The pain is much better than it was right before surgery, but it’s still pain that I deal with every single day. And sometimes the pain is almost as bad as it was before surgery and I struggle to move and walk. Fortunately, that pain isn’t that often and normally it’s much duller and less intense pain that I have each day. And I’m starting to notice signs that the cartilage in my other hip might be starting to tear. I’m not going to worry about it until I have a lot of pain because it’s not easier for a surgeon to operate on me now versus once it’s torn. And the damage is already bad enough that there’s not much they could do to save the cartilage like I was hoping would be possible. When the pain gets frequent and intense in my other hip, I’ll look into my options more. But for now, I know my best option is to wait unless there is a reason I want to have surgery sooner.

As much as I hope that the next surgery will be 13 years away, I know that realistically that it will be sooner. But that isn’t going to stop me from continuing to surpass expectations and do everything I can even though I was told I might not be able to do so. And maybe having that attitude will help me get as many more years in before that next surgery. But every year that passes gives me more hope for what can happen after the next surgery. I had no clue I’d be doing this well 13 years later. I have no way of imagining what will be 13 years after the next surgery.

A Non-Surgery Anniversary (or Another Year Of Being A Medical Miracle)

Tomorrow will be the 2 year anniversary of when I didn’t have surgery. I know that sentence sounds really weird, but that’s exactly what it is. 2 years ago tomorrow, I was supposed to be having some of my liver tumors removed along with a portion of my liver. But because by some miracle my tumors decided to shrink on their own, that surgery didn’t happen. And I feel like that is something to celebrate!

I’ve had some things to work through mentally with all this. When my surgery was canceled, I didn’t know how to feel because this was something I had been preparing for and all of a sudden it wasn’t happening. Some people thought I was acting disappointed that I didn’t have surgery, but that’s not it. It was just an overwhelming feeling of confusion and a disconnection with things. I’ve gotten over that feeling as I have been able to identify it, but it’s still a bit of a weird spot for me.

I do also still have a little fear when I have another MRI because I don’t want to discover my tumors have decided to grow again. My next scan isn’t for another 6 months, but I’m already a little nervous because of the gallbladder attack I had recently. My surgeon and I have discussed that it’s possible my attacks stopped when my liver stopped being distorted by the tumors. That’s not something we know for sure, but it’s something we have thought is possible. So to know I just had another attack does make me a bit fearful that maybe that means my tumors are growing and making my liver misshapen again. There’s no point in me worrying about it right now, but I know that I won’t get the idea out of my head until after my next scan.

Even though I do have some weird feelings about the non-surgery anniversary, I have way more feelings that are positive about it. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the surgery even though I knew I needed it because I didn’t want to have to deal with the recovery. It would have been a very tough and potentially long recovery and I didn’t need that in my life. While your liver does regenerate so I would eventually have had a full sized liver again, during the time that it’s regrowing there are a lot of other issues that can come up. Leading up to when I was supposed to have surgery I was trying to stay optimistic about what side effects I might have, but I was also realistic. I’m so grateful I didn’t have to find out what would happen.

From the time I discovered I have liver tumors to the time my surgery was canceled was a pretty hectic time. It all happened in under 6 months and there was so much we had to do in that time to get my life prepared for such a major surgery. Once I had that out of the way, I was able to focus on things I enjoyed in my life again. I feel like this really was a turning point in my life to stop putting things off and to really work on finding what I want to do and not what I have to do. This is still something I am working on, but I know that the past 2 years have been filled with much more enjoyable stuff than the several years prior to discovering the tumors. I don’t want to say that this experience made me re-evaluate my life or make me have a new outlook on how I was spending my life, but I guess that’s kind of what it was.

I think this year celebrating not having surgery is a bit different from last year. I’m still excited about recognizing how amazing and incredible my body was to be able to shrink the tumors. But the focus this time seems to be less about not having surgery and more about the new start point of things. I don’t split my life up as before surgery and after not having surgery or anything, but I do see not having surgery as a fresh start of figuring some things out about myself. I’m not 100% where I want to be or who I want to be, but I’m significantly closer now than I was before.

I’m sure eventually one day I won’t be celebrating the non-surgery anniversary anymore, but for now I still feel like it is something to celebrate and acknowledge. It’s a big part of my recent history and has been something that changed the plan of my life. I feel like that’s important to remember.