Tag Archives: support

Watching The Dri-Tri (or Cheering On A Friend)

Since I started at Orangetheory, I have done almost every single Dri-Tri. I did miss the first one that happened after I started working out because I had a mammogram that day and I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after. I went to the studio to support the people doing it, and I remember how much I regretted not signing up and doing it myself. I really felt like I was left out and missed doing something that everyone seemed to be so proud to complete. Fortunately, I have been able to have that feeling for almost all the others that have happened since I have done all the others.

I didn’t feel as accomplished after I did the sprint one or after I did the at-home one, so I have always tried to do the full Dri-Tri every other time. Of course, when I did the at-home one, I had no option to go one at the studio since everything was shut down. I just did the best that I could with the circumstances at the time.

I’ve been very proud of myself for doing the Dri-Tri. I always have a moment when I start to wonder why I’m doing it again and think that it’s pretty miserable, but when I’m done I’m so happy that I proved to myself that I could. I never regretted doing one, no matter how horrible I might feel while doing it. Even when I completed one while feeling nauseous or if I didn’t get sleep the night before, I’m always so glad that I pushed myself to do it and proved to myself again what I’m capable of.

But when the Dri-Tri was announced the most recent time, I knew there would be a good chance I would need to miss it. It was announced right after I hurt my back, and I had no idea how long the recovery would take. I was really hoping that I would be feeling ok the week of and then I could sign up. But even though I feel significantly better, I’m still dealing with regular pain in my back and I knew that pushing myself to do the Dri-Tri wouldn’t be a smart choice. I was annoyed I had to make that decision, but I knew that I would really regret it if I tried to do it and had to quit in the middle because I hurt my back again.

There is always an option to go and cheer on people doing the Dri-Tri, and I used to try to stick around after I was done with mine to cheer on the people after me. But since I wasn’t going to do it this time, I wasn’t originally planning on going to cheer anyone on. Plus, almost all the times were while I was working, and I didn’t want to have to take time off work. But then my friend Erin asked me about doing it and how she was thinking of trying it for the first time. I told her that I couldn’t do it, but if it was during a time I wasn’t working, I would go and cheer her on.

She was able to get a spot in the first heat, which was before I had to start work. So I headed over to Orangetheory in my regular clothes (which felt weird to be there in something other than workout clothes) to cheer on Erin and everyone else in the first heat.

I’m so glad I went. I had fun cheering on Erin and supporting her while she completed her first Dri-Tri. And yes, I did feel like I was missing out a bit, but I think the positives outweighed the negatives. That was different from the first time I missed doing the Dri-Tri and was there to cheer people on. I think I knew I had to make this choice and it was better to be there to support than to not be there at all. And it was exciting seeing everyone who was able to get it done in incredibly fast times! I usually don’t get to see that as much when I’m focused on my own challenge.

The next Dri-Tri will be in about 6 months or so. They typically do them twice a year. And I have every intention of doing it then. I hopefully won’t have something wrong at that time that really prevents me from competing. I know I can’t guarantee that, but I’m really being mindful of the aches and pains I have so I don’t have another situation with an extended recovery time again.

Really Being Grateful (or I’m Lucky To Have Support)

While I am a pretty independent person in a lot of ways, in many ways I need to have support. Sometimes that is emotional support and sometimes that is something concrete like financial support. And even while I’ve had a lot of time being isolated for a while, having support and help has really been essential for me.

I am very lucky that I have a lot of friends that I can reach out to when I need help with something. Not all of my friends are able to help with everything, but I have different friends who can help with different things. Some friends are good for helping me figure out a serious situation. Other friends are good for supporting me when I’m really low and need a boost. I have a lot of friends who are great to turn to when I have something annoying happen with me in the dating world and can either give advice or laugh at the ridiculousness that I encounter. Honestly, my friends keep me sane when I feel like some things are out of control. Most of them don’t live near me, but knowing I could text or call someone at any time is reassuring.

And even if I just need a friend to listen to me while I rant and talk something out, that can make a huge difference when I’m having a tough time. Sometimes I just need to say things out loud and know someone is listening to figure out what I want to do. And I’ve learned since the pandemic that I also sometimes just need a reminder that I’m not on my own planet all alone and there are other people around me even if they aren’t in the exact same space as me. I do prefer to hang out with friends in person, but this time has taught me how to find support in other ways and I know that I wasn’t using those skills before.

But for some of the more concrete support I get, I rely on my parents a lot. And I’m aware that I am coming from a place of privilege and this is not something that everyone has. But I am so grateful for all the support they have given to me lately. With the condo search, while they were not able to look at most places with me, they still helped a lot. My mom made sure she was available on FaceTime if I wanted her to see a place that I was looking at. Once we started to do paperwork, they helped me understand a lot of what I was signing (my realtor helped too, but I also didn’t want to bother him with all of my questions). And now that we are planning potential renovations, my mom is helping me plan what I want to do and interviewing contractors.

Honestly, if I was doing this without my parents’ help, I think it would be impossible. Even taking out the financial aspect of it, I have no clue what I’m doing. I’ve only been a renter and even finding a new rental hasn’t been something I always do alone. But with buying a place, there are a million more things to think about and plan for. And if I didn’t have help from my parents, I can see so many ways things could go wrong or that I could make a mistake. Even planning for things like property taxes isn’t something I fully understood. I knew enough to know they happen, but planning for the timeline for the payments and the options for payment aren’t things I thought about before. There are some things that I know I’m doing in a slightly more complicated way than other friends who have bought property, but there are reasons that this will work out better for me in the long run. So I know I could have done this in an easier way, but it might not have been the best way for me.

For all of the times since March 2020 that I have been upset that I feel so alone and isolated, I don’t know if I appreciated the support that I do have. While most people didn’t have the same type of isolation that I had with no physical contact with other people for months at a time, there are people who had total isolation who didn’t have the support that I was lucky enough to have. And I need to remember how lucky I am. It’s not always easy to remember that when things are so low, but I’m getting back into a better time where I can reflect on the positives that I do have in my life. And when I think about it, the luckier I realize I am.

My 2021 Goals (or Preparing For A Year With Lots Of Unknowns)

Happy New Year! I hope that you all had a great New Year’s Eve, even if you were home alone like I was. I’ll be writing more about my New Year’s, but for now, I wanted to kick off the year with my 2021 goals.

Setting goals for this year was a little different from what I normally do. I have no clue when things will be more normal and we won’t have to be isolating ourselves. I hope that by the summer, things will start reopening again, but we have no clue. So I had to create goals that wouldn’t be affected if a majority of the year is spent at home and isolating myself from others.

The first goal shouldn’t be a surprise since it’s one that I’ve had a lot. I want to do at least 200 workouts in 2021. My plan is for these workouts to mainly be Orangetheory workouts, whether it’s in the studio or at home. Once I can go work out with others, I plan on the workouts all being at Orangetheory. But at home, I’m a bit more open to trying other workouts that are available online. I do love the Orangetheory at Home videos, but I also want to allow for some flexibility in case I feel in a rut or that I need a bit of a change. It’s still not easy for me to work out at home by myself. But I know I can do it and I feel confident that I will be able to do at least 200 workouts again this year.

My next goal is another repeat and one I’ve talked about recently. I want to work on my budget this year. I know that this won’t be easy because my job situation isn’t as stable as it’s been in the past, but I cannot let that be an excuse anymore. My hours with my new job are going to be pretty stable starting next week. And I should know soon about my hours with my data entry job, and once those are figured out they should be stable as well. The only big unknown for my income is my box office job. I don’t know when I’ll be asked back or how many hours I might get. But I still need to budget with what I do know and start making a plan so that I have things in order when I do have more steady income and I have things I want to use my money on.

Next is something that I’ve been doing a lot since I’ve had to isolate myself at home. I want to keep my house organized and continue to find the best way to maximize the space that I have. 2020 was a year that I discovered that I have a lot of things I don’t use or don’t have in the best spot to make sure I use them. I have things in my kitchen that I know I don’t use, and they are taking up space. And I have gotten new things for my kitchen and nowhere to put them. I’m looking at storage solutions for inside my house, but with space being limited I have to be careful what I bring in. The same goes for my bathroom. I don’t have any counter space, so I have to keep things on a shelf I have and in my medicine cabinet. The space is limited and I know I have things there that I don’t use or need. Organizing my house will be an ongoing project throughout the entire year, but I’m excited to see what my house will look like as I continue to work on this.

The next goal is a combination of a few ideas. I want to try more, take more risks, and be ok with accepting possible failure. Now, this doesn’t include my health or safety so I will not be taking risks by going out until it is safe to do so. But this is more about not limiting myself to things that only make me comfortable. If I want to take a chance in my acting career, I should go for it so I don’t wonder “what if?”. If I want to take a chance with online dating and say how I really feel to a guy, then I should do it without worrying that I might scare him off. If I want to try cooking something new, I don’t want to be afraid that I will ruin it because that might happen and that’s ok. It’s not easy to accept failure, but it’s a part of life and I want to be better at dealing with it.

And my last goal is a bit more about whatever time we are still isolating at home. I want to be ok with asking for help and support. There is no question that 2020 was a difficult year for me in so many ways. Being lonely and isolated is something that I’ve never dealt with to this degree. And I wasn’t as open about how much I was struggling as I could have been. I never reached out to a friend saying I needed a phone call or video call instead of just texts. It’s not easy for me to do this for a few reasons. One is that I don’t want to feel like a burden, even though I know that isn’t how my friends feel about me. But the bigger problem is that I haven’t been good at recognizing when I need to ask for support. Sometimes I don’t realize I could have used the help until I get over that feeling. I need to be a bit more aware and mindful about this and make sure I reach out when I need it.

I feel like these are some good goals for 2021. I feel confident that I should be able to make progress on all of them. I might not end this year saying I was successful in all of them, but I don’t think that I will be a total failure in them either. Hopefully, these goals help me to make 2021 a good year for me. Whether the entire year is spent in isolation or if I am able to go out and be social for a part of the year. I feel like I’m prepared for almost any possibility of what this year might look like, and that I will find ways to continue to better myself and grow as a person.

Still Taking Action When Overwhelmed (or We Cannot Stop)

There is no doubt that this week was overwhelming for a lot of people. There are a lot of reasons you could be overwhelmed. For me, it was a combination of taking in a lot of information and working through it.

While some of this was related to the pandemic, it was mainly about the Black Lives Matter movement and working toward becoming anti-racist. It wasn’t easy realizing that while I thought I had been doing the right things and had the right beliefs that I was wrong. I never thought I would be told that. But it’s true and it’s a lot to take in.

A lot of people spent this week not posting their own things on social media and only amplifying voices that deserve to be amplified and might not typically have that chance. And for the most part, I did do that on social media. I rarely posted anything about myself. I did have my blog posts posted on twitter and Facebook. I did post a few other things that weren’t related to current issues. But I focused my time online on finding people who deserve to be heard.

And as far as writing my blog posts this week, I also felt like maybe I shouldn’t be writing about myself. I did have my workout recap and my monthly challenge posts. But I didn’t want to write about anything else that might be silly or frivolous. Being able to take a break from what is happening in the world is a privilege and I didn’t want to take advantage of that. I tried to stay focused on sharing important things, even if I was feeling overwhelmed. What I was feeling was only a fraction of the people who have been living with this for their entire lives feel. It’s only right for me to keep pushing through.

Instead of writing about something random, I just want to encourage you all to make sure you listen to what people are saying. Look at people on social media that you might not typically follow. See how you can help. Share information. And don’t stop doing that. Even if the protests stop, unless there is a change in this country with how the police treat black citizens, we cannot be quiet. Stay loud and make sure that those who need to be heard are getting heard.

Sharing Some Resources (or Working On Being Anti-Racist)

As I shared the other day, I am coming to terms with how I have never been anti-racist. It’s a very different mindset from what I have had my entire life, but I know that I need to change and I am so grateful that I have friends who have shared some good resources to work on this. One friend also shared that if you haven’t been anti-racist, you likely have had a bit of racism in you. I hated that idea, but the more I thought about it the more that I know it is true.

I don’t make an effort to only give my money to white-run business or to white authors, but that is what I have done if I look at my past. So many books that I love are about white characters. There are a few that are about black characters but often I don’t know that until I’m already partway through the book. If a character isn’t described by their skin color, I default to thinking they are white. And for brands, I usually don’t know who runs a company or pay attention to that. But I now know that black-run businesses don’t get the same opportunities as white-run businesses do so I might not have the chance to buy from them unless I make a little effort. I never was trying to avoid black-run businesses, I just didn’t know that because of many different factors I wasn’t being presented with the chance to buy from them.

Fortunately, during Blackout Tuesday there were so many lists going around with different resources for anyone to look at. There were books about racism or how to become anti-racist. There were lists of black-run beauty companies that many of us hadn’t heard of. There were movies, tv shows, and podcasts that discuss these issues that maybe hadn’t gotten the same publicity that other media had. There are hundreds of lists out there and the ones I am going to share are only a few. I recommend doing a search or looking on social media for more because there are so many out there.

The one thing I saw the most over the past few days was this link to a google doc of anti-racism resources. This has lists of books, videos, podcasts, articles, movies, and tv shows to look at to work on becoming anti-racist. There is also a section for resources of media to help raise anti-racist children. There is also a list of organizations to look at and their social media links so you can follow them on there. Plus they link to more lists of anti-racism resources.

This list from Medium has sections of what to read, listen to, watch, and follow on social media. There is also a section for kids and teens.

If you are going to be buying any books (either from these lists or books in general), this google doc has a list of black-run bookstores. They are listed by state and it includes if they are open for shopping, only doing curbside pickup right now, or only shipping. But there are so many stores you can buy from and I believe the ones that can ship books can ship them anywhere in the country.

Some people may think of black-run beauty businesses as companies that make products specifically for black people. That is not true. Just like how white-run beauty companies don’t just make things for white people (although you might be able to argue that they do, but that’s a very different story). Here are two different lists of companies to look at and you might find a new favorite product! I understand that maybe right now you don’t have money to buy any new products, but you can still look and take notes on what you’d like to buy when you have the money.

And if you want to do a search for black-run businesses in general, I found a few lists that do just that. Here is a list from New York Magazine. Here is the directory for Black Wall Street. And this is the link to Support Black Owned. Again, I know this doesn’t cover all the lists or all the types of businesses, but it is a start.

I’ve also seen lists of black-run restaurants and coffee shops, but I haven’t found a good list that I could share on here that covers more than just Los Angeles. Please do a search online for the lists for your area. Many of them are doing delivery and takeout or curbside delivery, so you can order from them even if restaurants are not open yet for your city.

Some people who believe the response to Black Lives Matter is to say all lives matter might argue that white businesses should get promoted too. But that’s all I’ve done in thousands of posts. I didn’t have to go out of my way to say they were white-run businesses. Unfortunately, that is the default. I am trying to use my voice and my blog to give some opportunity to a large group of businesses that I have not given that same chance to. Yes, people will still shop at white-run businesses and read white authors. I bet that most money will still go to those. But I want to make a conscious effort to not do that with all my money. I want to increase my awareness of businesses that I have not been shopping from in the past and make sure that I don’t fall back into that trap. I know right now everyone is hyper-aware of this issue and will be making efforts. I want to make sure that this change is permanent and not just because it’s such a big issue right now. And I hope that you all will increase your awareness, work on becoming anti-racist, and support more diverse businesses, authors, artists, and creators.

Black Lives Matter (or Working On Being A Better Ally)

There is no debate that our country (and a lot of the world) is hurting right now. There have been protests that were peaceful (and some horrible people took advantage of and made violent). There have been curfews in Los Angeles because of this. And while the murder of George Floyd was what people were protesting, it was not just because of that murder that people were upset.

Police brutality, especially against black Americans, is unfortunately not a new issue. Just in the recent past, we have multiple instances of this. There was the shooting of Breonna Taylor, who was sleeping at home when police burst into their home and her boyfriend reacted as if someone was breaking in. The police were not in uniform and did not knock or announce themselves. I can’t imagine why anyone would assume someone breaking into their home would be police and not a criminal. Her boyfriend shot to defend them and their home. And the police shot back and killed her. I have heard that they weren’t even at the correct home when the police barged in. And the person they were looking for was already detained. Her death was so senseless and unnecessary.

The murder of George Floyd was just heartbreaking. I have seen the video, and I feel horrible that I watched it. Someone’s death should not be used as a learning tool. But I have also seen the videos of him before the police were kneeling on his neck, cutting off his air supply. He was already in handcuffs. He was not fighting. He wasn’t happy about being taken away in handcuffs, but he was not a threat. And the officer that was kneeling on him did so for almost 9 minutes. 3 of those minutes were after he was unconscious. That was also unnecessary. And none of the police officers watching this man die said anything. They just stood back and were silent.

I cannot imagine the fear that black Americans feel every day with what the police might do. I am privileged that way. But I have always considered myself an ally and that I try my best to help. But with the protests in the past few days, I have realized that I have not been as good of an ally as I could be.

I was raised in a pretty diverse area. I was raised to not see color. I had friends that were diverse. My parents never thought twice about a friend who didn’t look like me. My high school was even featured in the newspaper for not having a majority of any ethnicity. I took this idea of not seeing color throughout my life. And I have learned how wrong this idea is.

The idea of not seeing color means you don’t see the discrimination or issues of those who might not look like you have. It’s almost the same idea of All Lives Matter (an idea I hate and feel is disgusting). I do beleive that Black Lives Matter is an important movement and have supported them. But I have realized that my privileged place of claiming to not see color is also discounting the issues that others may be experiencing. This wasn’t intentional, but I know that I did it. And I am working on correcting my mindset and I know I have to learn to grow.

I also never gave a thought to the idea of not being racist versus anti-racist. I believe that I am not racist (although I have learned that some of the privileged thoughts that I have could be considered a bit racist, but I’m working on it). And I have always thought that racism is wrong. But I don’t think I have ever been actively anti-racist before. I am working on that now. I am making sure that I am speaking out against racist behavior and not just not acting that way on my own. I am using my voice when and where I can. Being silent is the same as agreeing with the hatred and I will not do that anymore.

And while I cannot donate a lot of money, I made some small donations this week to groups that are helping. Even though my donation alone won’t be enough, if thousands of people gave small donations it adds up and can help make real change.

The groups I donated to were Campaign Zero, The Freedom Fund, White People 4 Black Lives, and the ACLU. I encourage everyone to donate to those groups or the others that are helping the protesters or helping to eliminate police brutality. If you have been watching any of the protests, you have seen how the police have been acting. They have been shooting people with rubber bullets who are not doing anything or at reporters who are doing their job. They have arrested reporters for no reason. They have run over protesters. They have maced people who were walking by. This is despicable behavior and it must be stopped. So many innocent people have been hurt by the police during these protests. The police were not defending themselves, they were acting up. And if they are supposed to be the calm and rational people to defend us, they need to be retrained. Acting rash and attacking citizens who are not doing anything wrong is not what we need. And yes, some criminals do need some stronger force, but that force should not equal death. It’s not a black and white issue of doing nothing or acting at full force with all of their strength. There are so many shades of gray with how police can stop the illegal behavior. And they need to do that more often.

I’m working on being better about using my voice for what I believe in. I know I’m not perfect and I know I have a lot to learn. I have asked some friends of mine who are very involved in activism to call me out if I am not being a good ally because I know they will do it from a place of love. But it is not up to them for me to be better. I need to be in charge of educating myself and making sure I am the person I want to be.

Please, don’t ignore the protesters just because you may disagree with how they are doing it. First, the protesters are typically not the ones looting or causing destruction. The protesters have been begging people not to do that and there are lots of videos showing them stopping it. And for people who say they should be doing more passive protests, that’s what they have been doing for too long. Take kneeling during the national anthem. So many people who said it was wrong and disrespectful to do that are now saying the protesters should have done something that was calmer. That’s what they were doing while kneeling. They were not respected or heard then. So they had to be louder. And now is the time to listen, learn, and speak out.

Remembering A Year Ago (or Still So Grateful My Friend Got Help)

About a year ago, I wrote a post about a friend who I had to force to get help because I felt they were a danger to themselves. That night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I have shared a lot of what happened with my friend because he doesn’t remember much about it (which I’m grateful for because I said some harsh things to him to force him to get help). When I wrote that post a year ago, I had no idea what my relationship would be like with my friend. Now, I’m so grateful that it hasn’t changed. If anything, we have gotten closer.

That night will stick out in my mind for so many things. I feared what would happen if my friend didn’t listen to me. I had threatened to call the police to get him if he didn’t go to a hospital, but I was so worried he would drive somewhere else and I couldn’t call for help for him. I didn’t think he would do anything to hurt himself while he was in the car, but I was still scared he would get in an accident because he was acting very irrational. I had no clue if my friend would talk to me again but I had to realize I was willing to sacrifice our friendship if that meant his life would be saved.

But some positives came out of that night. First of all, my friend got the help he needed. He has told me since that night that his doctors believe he might have harmed himself that night, so he needed to get help and he did. He has done some amazing work with his doctors and in therapy in the past year and I’m so glad that he has taken those steps. If that horrible night was what needed to happen for him to get the help and medical care he needed, that’s a good thing. I also witnessed so many friends coming together to help, both that night and for the days after it. We pulled together to help our friend with things like moving his car to a place where it won’t be towed, picking him up when he was coming home, making sure he had things he needed, and looking into options for paying for his medical bills.

My friend has also become much more open regarding this since this happened a year ago. I think that’s a good thing because more people can learn from what he has gone through and that can support him if they are going through something similar. I’ve shared on here several things that I battle with, and I have only seen positive things from being open. I hope that that’s what my friend is experiencing as well. From what I’ve seen, he has only gotten good things from his openness.

I know that my friend has been a bit anxious about this anniversary and I can understand that. He has gone through so much in the past year and I have only seen a fraction of it. I have tried to remind him that this is also an anniversary of him getting help and starting a new phase of his life. I’m sure he is remembering things from before and it’s not always easy to see the difference in your own life sometimes, but I see the difference. I know he isn’t the same person he was a year ago. I don’t worry about him the way I used to because I know he is in a much better headspace than he was before. I know that he is more comfortable reaching out and asking for help if he needs it. He has more resources than he had before and can manage things differently. I’ve only seen positive changes in him and that makes me hopeful that things are just going to continue to get better.

A year ago, I had no clue what would happen or if my friend would be ok. I’m so glad that things turned out the best that they could. I know that not everything is perfect, but they are being worked on. And seeing all these positive changes in my friend makes me feel better about forcing him to get help because that was something I really did struggle with. But now, there’s no question that it was the right thing to do and I hope that anyone who knows of someone who is at serious risk of harming themselves would do the same. It’s not easy to do, but it was the right thing to do.

And if you are struggling and want help, there are many resources out there. Going to an emergency room is an option if you don’t feel safe. They will help you and make sure that you are safe or get the help that you need. But I know that some people can’t or won’t do that for a variety of reasons. So if you don’t want to do that or are not sure if you need help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are available 24/7 and can offer resources or just be someone to listen to you. Getting help isn’t easy, but hopefully, you will see the good that comes out of it by hearing a little bit of what my friend accomplished since he got help.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem)

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I know the week is almost over, but I decided to write something about this. I wasn’t going to originally, but I realized that even though I am pretty open about my eating disorder it would be wrong not to write about this week.

I don’t know exactly when my eating disorder started, but I honestly feel like I’ve had it my entire life. I remember binge episodes when I was a kid, I just didn’t know that they were anything other than me liking food. I’ve had issues with food as long as I can remember. I used to just think that it was a willpower issue or that I was weak and not able to control myself. It doesn’t help that there was very little information about binge eating disorder when I was growing up and I couldn’t really just go online to research about it. I was very educated in anorexia and bulimia and I knew that I didn’t have either of those. I recognized signs of my issues in bulimia and I actually was frustrated with myself that I couldn’t be strong enough to find a way to get rid of the food I ate.

My eating disorder wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was in my 20’s, but I already knew I had a binge eating disorder before that. I needed the official diagnosis for medical purposes, but it was just a technicality. I already knew what I had and I knew that it wasn’t just about me liking food or being fat. I had an eating disorder and I shouldn’t consider myself weak because of it.

There isn’t a lot of information yet about genetics and eating disorders. I have seen studies that show that people can have a tendency toward an eating disorder because of how they were raised, but I honestly feel like it is a genetic thing for me. If it was about how I was raised, then I don’t think it would have started so early for me. But even if it’s genetic, that doesn’t mean I can’t conquer it one day. There are people with a genetic marker for addiction and they are able to get sober. The difficulty for me is that I cannot be totally sober from food since I still have to eat to live.

These are all things I’ve written about on here before. I was terrified the first time I posted about having an eating disorder because I hadn’t been open about it with many people. I didn’t know what people would think about me once they knew I had an eating disorder. Obviously they knew I struggled with weight, but not everyone struggling with weight has an eating disorder. But I was relieved to discover that once I was open about it I was getting support from my friends. Some of my friends shared with me about their struggles with food or said they had a loved one with a binge eating disorder and didn’t know it had a name.

Being open and honest has been the best thing for me. I have gotten so much support and love from the people in my life and I don’t have to feel like I need to cover up for anything. When I am having a bad day, I can tell a friend about it. When I am out to eat and have obsessive thoughts about food, I don’t have to hide it and I can talk through the thoughts with the person I’m with. While I have been working toward recovery in many different ways, the one that I feel has made the biggest difference is not feeling alone. Finding other people going through the same thing as well as having friends who know what is happening makes me feel like this battle is not just me against the world.

So when I was debating whether or not to write about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I realized that not writing about it would possibly prevent someone else not feeling alone. While I have written about this multiple times, maybe this is the first post that someone else is reading. Or it could be toward the top of the search results when they are searching for something. I want to allow opportunities for someone to know that this is not their fault and they can get help.

If you are battling an eating disorder of any type or have someone in your life batting one, this does not have to be a solo battle. There are so many ways to get help and support and not being alone in this seems to bring the most success. You don’t have to be strong on your own to get over this. Allow yourself to accept help and know that the more people you have on your side supporting you the better off you will be.

Celebrating My Friendship Love (or I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day)

I know that there are many single people who hate Valentine’s Day. I completely understand why people might feel that way. It’s a weird holiday that doesn’t mean a lot to people who are in relationships. But when you are single, you are bombarded with the idea that you should be coupled up and you are somehow missing out on something by being single.

I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. Last year, I actually ended up having a date that night, but it wasn’t until later we realized it was Valentine’s Day. We only planned something because we both happened to be free that evening. So it was more of a date on Valentine’s Day and not a Valentine’s Day date. But it didn’t mean more to me than a date on any other night.

And this year, as always, I’m single. I’m dealing with being betrayed by someone who I thought cared about me which isn’t that fun, but I’m getting so much support from my friends and that is what matters more to me than any guy that I have dated.

So this year on Valentine’s Day, I want to celebrate the love I have from my friends. I am so incredibly grateful and lucky to have the friends that I have in my life. They are amazing and so supportive and I don’t know what I would do without them. When I’m upset about anything, even if it’s something really stupid, I know I can call someone and they will be able to talk me down.

With this recent betrayal by a guy, I’ve had friends remind me that I am lovable and worthy of so much more than what I was getting. They also helped me realize that a lot of the hurt that I am feeling is not about what this guy did to me, but the fact that I will never get answers or the closure that I would like. I am the type of person who will research something until I understand it completely. I will never understand why this person decided to hurt me or what made them see me as not worthy of being treated how I deserve to be treated. And letting go of the idea of wanting the answers is tough and I’m working through that.

But my friends also support me in the silly problems I have. When I was stressed out about my procedure with my dermatologist, I was going down a bit of a spiral thinking I was about to ruin my face. A friend reminded me that there are so many plastic surgery options for me if the scar was horrible and if it did create a divot in my face that I could always get fillers done. That’s not something I could do for a while, but just having someone remind me that this does not have to be the end of the road if I’m not happy with the results was enough to calm me down and help me remember that I was making the right decision.

And of course, I try to be there as much for my friends (if not more) than they are there for me. But I still feel like I don’t do enough considering how much they help me out and how often they remind me of things that I need to be reminded about. I know that I have mental health issues that make me think I’m not worthy and I can go to a dark place. It’s never that horrible, but it’s not a good place to be. And my friends never hesitate to help me out when I have those moments. They are never annoyed that it happened again or that they have to tell me something they have told me multiple times before.

While I have had a great example of what a successful relationship looks like from my parents, I also feel like I have been given examples of that as well through my friends. I know that being with someone romantically is different from being platonic, but I have learned how I should be treated by how my friends treat me. I have learned how to have a supportive and balanced relationship through those friendships. And I am hopeful that when I do find the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I will be able to remember the relationships with my friends and use those as guidelines for how that relationship should be.

I’m writing this early enough that there is still potential for me to have a date tonight (although I don’t know if I want to go out with stitches in my face), but that doesn’t matter. If I’m spending tonight alone at home watching tv, that’s fine. While Valentine’s Day doesn’t really matter to me as a holiday, I am using it as a good excuse to be grateful for the love I do have in my life and remembering how lucky I am.

4 Years Of My Mentoring Circle (or Celebrating With Brunch)

It’s so crazy to believe, but my current mentoring circle from Women In Film has been meeting for 4 years now! I knew that this group of women was special when we were actually able to meet between our meetings with our mentors, but I had no clue that we’d be able to continue the group after that first year ended. But it turned out that we bonded together as a group a bit more than we bonded with our mentors so it makes sense that we have kept things up.

While we have been meeting for 4 years, things have changed a few times. When we started, we technically met every month since we met with our mentors every other month and then on our own for the alternate months. And when we started meeting on our own after that first year, we continued to meet every other month since that was the routine that we got used to. But as time has gone one, most of us have gotten busier (which is a good thing) and it’s been harder to meet up. So at the end of last year, we decided to change things up so that we now meet every 3 months so we see each other 4 times a year.

Our first meeting of 2019 was this past weekend and we had our traditional brunch at Rush St. which has been our brunch place for a while now. We almost always get one of the booths, and that works perfectly for our group to feel like we have our own little meeting space and not in the middle of a busy restaurant.

When our mentoring group started, we had a few more members than we currently have. But I understand that continuing with the group wasn’t for everyone and that’s pretty much what happened with my first group that never met outside of our few meetings with our mentors. But we still have almost everyone in the group and we work hard to try to make the meetings we have. This time, we were missing 2 people, but I know they tried hard to make it and there were just circumstances that prevented them from being able to be there.

I’ve said in the past few recaps of my brunches with my group that I haven’t had a ton of news to share but I loved hearing what everyone else has been up to. This brunch was the same. My biggest news was about how it is going to be election season soon for SAG-AFTRA and that I’m more involved in my slate than I have in the past. Nothing about that is too exciting, but I know they are important things and something that not everyone is doing. I wish I could tell them amazing news about booking jobs or amazing auditions, but those just aren’t happening for me right now. I’ve had auditions, but they are nothing spectacular or unusual so I don’t really feel like sharing about those.

But as always, everyone else had amazing updates and hearing about them was the highlight of brunch for me. I’ve never really been the type of person to compare my journey to someone else’s, so I can just get joy out of seeing the steps that everyone else has been taking. And they have been doing some really amazing things that have been getting closer to reality. And one of the benefits of being a part of this group for so long is that I have been able to see the long game with everyone’s journey. One member of our group is getting close to the play she has written being on Broadway. And when we started as a group she had just produced a reading in LA and we have been getting updates about readings in NY, finding a producer and director, and now finding investors. It’s so amazing and I couldn’t be happier for her.

Because this play has been in the works for so long and the finish line seems so close, I think everyone in the group can’t wait to find out that it will be premiering on Broadway. We’ve been joking that we will all have to have a meeting in NY when that happens because of course we all want to be there. And maybe if it happens in a year we can celebrate the start of our 5th year together as a group by seeing the show premiere. But even if that doesn’t happen, it’s so fun to dream about doing that together.

While I would love to have more and better updates when the group meets again in May, I’m not going to worry about it too much. I just have to keep working hard and I know the results will happen eventually. And when they do happen, I don’t doubt that the group will be just as happy for me as I have always been for them with their amazing news!