Tag Archives: mental health

Another Normal Therapy Check-In (or It’s Still Nice This Are Easy To Get Through)

When I started going back to therapy several years ago, the main reason for the appointments was to get on medication for my eating disorder. But I also had some tough appointments in the early months of therapy. I understand why my therapist asked me the tough questions and we did work through a lot of things from my past that have affected my life quite a bit. The good thing about that was that I learned quite a bit about myself. The bad thing was discovering a lot of what has been affecting my life are things that I really can’t change. I can adjust my feelings about them, but I can’t change them.

So after those first few months of more intense therapy, most of my appointments were check-ins to make sure I was still doing ok and that the medications I was taking were working. Occasionally adjustments to my medications were made, but things have mostly been stable for the past few years. And I think that’s why my appointments are every 6 months now.

And since my last appointment was in August, I was due for my therapy check-in this month. Appointments are still being done virtually, and I see that staying that way. I was doing virtual appointments before the pandemic, but they were mixed in with in-person appointments. But for appointments like mine that don’t really involve much, I think virtual appointments are probably easier for both me and my therapist.

And as expected, this appointment went as easy as the rest have been recently. We discussed my medications and agreed I’m at a good level right now. I did mention some additional stress in my life, but that it was temporary stress so I don’t feel like I need to add a new medication for that. I have taken medication before for anxiety, but I know that what I’m feeling now is not like I experienced before. Plus, when I was on medication for anxiety that was regarding general anxiety. Right now, all the anxiety I’m experiencing is connected to very specific things and most of them are not going to be issues soon. So taking something now really doesn’t feel necessary to me.

And of course, I was asked about how was doing with all the anxiety and worry regarding the pandemic. And I had the same answer I had before. That if I was doing ok, then I think that would be a sign of a bigger issue. We talked about how I’m managing that anxiety and not letting things overwhelm me. I do check the numbers each day, but I’m focused more now on hospitalizations over cases since that seems to be more telling. And I think my therapist agreed that I was doing well considering the circumstances. I think she understands how much we all want to be past this and how the worry has been taking a toll. But also, I know that I have to still be careful and consider what are acceptable risks and what are not. And I think she agrees with me that looking at acceptable risks is probably a good way to decide what I’m ok to go and do.

Overall, I think it was a good appointment and nothing really is changing. And I won’t have another follow-up for 6 more months unless I feel the need to discuss something with my therapist sooner. But I think I’m doing ok with everything and that I’ll just have another routine and boring follow-up 6 months from now, which sounds great to me!

Celebrating And Future Planning (or Preparing For What Comes Next For Me)

Last month, my challenge was to celebrate what I could in my life. I knew I needed to do this. I have been focused on a lot of negative things lately and I wanted to change that. Things are still not normal or feeling really safe, but there are still good things happening in my life even if they are silly. And celebrating the silly things was kind of what this challenge was about.

There were the obvious things to celebrate like my birthday and how I celebrated my birthday. I didn’t celebrate my birthday as much as I would have liked to, but I still celebrated. And seeing friends and going out for a meal are really things to celebrate these days. I celebrated little victories I had in work like when I got good news or figured out something that will make my work better. And I celebrated anything I could think of. I still use grocery delivery a lot (I have to admit it’s pretty convenient), and I would celebrate if I got everything I ordered without a substitution or something being out of stock. I celebrated when I found a good deal on things I was looking at buying. I celebrated when I felt like I accomplished everything I wanted to within a day.

I really did notice a change in my mindset as I celebrated things. I have been doing gratitude lists every day as I’m getting ready for bed, so I usually take some time each day to focus on the good things that happened to me. But I usually don’t think about it all day, just when it’s the end of the day and I’m reflecting on things. But this past month, I did keep it in mind as I went about my day. Even taking a moment to recognize something to celebrate put me in a better mood for whatever I wanted to do next. I don’t know if I’ll continue to celebrate everything I can the way that I did this past month, but I want to continue at least some of this habit because it did help me each day.

And this month, in a way my challenge is a bit of the same thing but also a bit of the opposite. I know a lot of people do this in different situations, but I tend to think way ahead in the future whether it is good or bad. If I have an amazing audition, I think about how my life might be if I booked the job. If there is something that worries me that may be happening in the future, I start thinking about all the bad things that might come. I was doing that recently when I found out about my landlord selling where I live. I dream of what the future might look like, whether it is good or bad, and I get myself either worried or excited about things that might not happen. So I want to work on curtailing that.

I know that I can’t prevent it completely nor do I think that would be smart. I do want to plan ahead, both good and bad. I do want to celebrate if a good thing could happen and imagine some great things. But I don’t want that to be a big focus for me. I want to maybe spend a little time on that future planning and then move on to things that I can work on at that time. For example, when I was panicking about my place being sold, I spent a lot of time wondering what I would do and where I would go. I started to stress out about a lot of things that may not happen for months depending on how quickly my landlord finds a buyer. Instead of worrying about all the things that might be coming, I refocused on what I could change. I started looking at options for where I could move instead of just imagining a plan. I started to make a plan that I think will be a really great thing (but more to come on that when I have more information). I can’t change how quickly some things might happen, but I can be prepared for what I have ready at that time. And that’s how I want to manage my future planning.

The same idea can work for when my future planning is about good things. Using my union election as an example, I can imagine how great it would be if the people I want to be elected win and what it might be like if I am elected to the local board. But right now, I can focus on the work I was doing to get out the vote and help other candidates campaign by what I post on our social media. Planning for the future with tangible things and not just daydreaming.

I’m curious how this will work out for me this month. It might be a great thing or it might feel stifling. I’m not sure yet. But that’s why it’s a challenge I’m going to try out and see how I feel in a month. And if I love it, I’ll keep doing it. If I don’t, I’ll adjust as I feel necessary and maybe try again. And maybe in a month, I’ll be writing about something new I learned about myself or how I manage things that come my way. That’s what these challenges are all about. Pushing myself to try something and see if it benefits my life and if I want to keep doing it.

I guess we’ll have to see in a month what happens!

Dropping A Few Habits (or Still Deciding If This Is Going To Be A Good Choice)

There are a lot of habits I’ve had for a long time in my life. Some of them are necessary for my life and basically are things I do without a thought anymore. Some are things that are for my health that I do and maybe sometimes need a reminder to do (such as having an alert on my calendar each month to throw out my old contact lenses and use fresh ones). And there are some habits that I started doing because they were good for me in some sense and I’ve just kept them up because it’s routine.

But I’ve been doing some of my habits and routines for a long time just because I have been doing them for a long time and I don’t know if they still benefit me in any way. But they are things I still am aware of and track and I have to remember to do them or I feel like I forgot something. And as my schedule gets busier again and as I try to build my life again after having so little to do for so long, I have started to wonder if it’s worth it to continue doing these things just because I have been doing them for years.

There are 2 main habits I think about when debating if I should stop. First, tracking my food. I’ve been doing this for so long and have even made it a monthly challenge before. And in a way, it does keep me sane when I have a binge episode because I can have a reality check when I need it. But at the same time, unless I need that reality check I don’t always track everything I eat. Because of my schedule, I’m not always eating specific meals but instead eating small meals and snacks throughout the day. I know there is debate if having specific meals is better than grazing or snacking, but this isn’t about that. Based on what I see on the scale and how my clothes fit, I’m eating a very similar amount either way so I’m not worried about that. But on days that I graze, I rarely enter all my food. I might just add my breakfast and then nothing else. Or I’ll add one thing I ate but not the entire meal. Figuring out how much I’m eating is necessary, but the serving size from a container might not match up with the food tracking apps, so it can get frustrating.

Since I’m not usually tracking everything, I have started to question why I do it. For a long time, it was because I wanted to keep up my streak on the app in case I was going to go back to tracking everything. But I could always start back up without having a streak on the app. And maybe not focusing on tracking whatever I think of will motivate me to focus on my food in another way. I’m not sure yet.

The other thing I’ve been questioning tracking has been my daily steps. This again was a past monthly challenge that I kept up for a long time. But things came up in life and it’s been a while since I’ve had a 10,000 step day on my FitBit app. This doesn’t mean I haven’t been hitting 10,000 steps, they just aren’t always being tracked. I don’t wear my Fitbit that much during the day. I do have a clip so I can put it in a pocket or in my bra, but it’s not comfortable anymore. During my workouts, I used to keep it clipped to my pants, but that was bothering me too. My phone does track steps, but it’s not as accurate as wearing my Fitbit. And I know I could wear it as a watch, but I like my regular watch more and I don’t like the look of my Fitbit on my wrist. I do still use it every night to track my sleep because that is valuable information for me, but that’s all I’ve been able to accurately track for a long time.

So just like with the food tracking, I’m wondering what the benefit is for me to be half-tracking things. This one doesn’t concern me as much as the food tracking one goes, it’s more about me being ok not wearing my Fitbit or trying to find a random place to clip it to or put it when I go out somewhere. So accepting it as just a sleep tracker, for now, is what I think I want to do. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind and wear it if I’m going out somewhere and want to track my steps. But I’m not going to worry too much about it and look at what the app says each day for my total steps. I know those haven’t been accurate for a while, but I still have been looking at them and they do make me think about if a day was a good one or a not-so-good one. Having that stress off my mind might help.

Stopping these habits won’t change that much about what I’m already doing each day. I just won’t be tracking them and using them as a judgment of how I’m doing. And if I start to feel like I’m getting out of control or panicked, I can start tracking again. But since I’ve been only doing a fraction of the tracking I should be doing anyway, I don’t think this will make that much of a difference other than having a few fewer things to worry about in my daily routine.

A Super Fast Therapy Appointment (or Having Therapy On An Insanely Stressful Day)

My therapy appointments are usually 6 months apart, so it’s been a while since I’ve had one. I mostly have therapy as medication check-ins and not to talk things out, so there isn’t a big need to go often unless I am testing out a new medication. Even though they are only medication check-ins, I do still discuss how I’m feeling and how I’m doing, but they don’t go as in-depth as they did when I was attending therapy more often.

And I was doing video appointments before the pandemic, but I appreciate having video appointments even more now. It’s so much easier for me not to have to leave my house, especially when I have such a full work schedule. And when I booked my most recent appointment, I was basing it on the idea that my work schedule would be close to what it used to be before the pandemic. I was hopeful that things would be coming back, so I figured that was a smart decision. I didn’t consider that I’d be working more hours so the time that used to be right after work would be during work. But since it was a video appointment, I figured I could multi-task a bit for a quick appointment.

What I wasn’t expecting was to have my therapy appointment on the most stressful day of my customer service job. Without going into too much detail about how things work at my company, it was the day that our clients were informed about the start of some things for August. And while most were happy and were messaging us a quick thank you, this also had a lot of clients who thought they had canceled or changed their service reach out questioning what happened. Most of the miscommunication was through a partner company we work with, but it still created a ton of work for me. And right now, I’m pretty much the only person doing the customer service work. So when I had to log into my video appointment, I was in the middle of the craziness of responding to people.

I’ve said this before, but I’m grateful my therapist knows me. I’m sure I looked frenzied and in a panic because I was trying to get work done. But I explained to her about the number of messages I was trying to respond to and she understood. So she helped to make the appointment go quickly. She asked if I was ready to start testing other medications, but I think she agreed with me that it’s still not the right time since I will want to know if any side effects are due to the current circumstances in the world or the medication. I do think a change might be in order, but waiting feels right to me for now.

And we did discuss my current stress levels but I explained how it was a very temporary situation and likely only for that day. In the recent past, I discussed stress related to the pandemic and not being vaccinated yet, but now that’s not as big of a concern for me. I’m still being careful and I’m glad that I will be eligible for a booster shot soon, but I think now that I know I’m at least a little protected has helped to bring down my fear a lot. And the stress being unvaccinated caused me was very different from what I was feeling due to work. My work stress wasn’t really in my control, but it felt more in control to me.

After a bit of a check-in so she knew I was doing ok, my therapist agreed that keeping my medication the same was a good plan and she set me up for another 6 months through the pharmacy and booked my next appointment in February next year. And I know that if I need to contact her for any reason before my next appointment, I can do that and get another appointment sooner. Or I can email back and forth with her if I have questions or concerns.

I have no clue what the world will be like in 6 months. Maybe I’ll finally be ready to discuss changing up my medications. Maybe it will be better in the world but I won’t be ready to change things up. I really have no clue. But at least for now, I’m sticking with the plan that has been working for me and continuing to do the other things I need to do to get into recovery with my eating disorder.

Mental Health Lessons From The Pandemic (or I’ve Gained New Empathy Over The Past Year)

I think most of us around the world have an odd time regarding mental health since March 2020. Some gained new anxieties and fears. Some learned how we really are introverts or extroverts. Some gained new coping mechanisms (both healthy and unhealthy). And some learned to prioritize their mental health for the first time. Even though I have been very aware of my mental health and mental health issues, so many things have changed how I think about things because of what we all went through.

I have had some real low points, and I have learned to appreciate the little things that make me happy. And yes, I have picked up some coping mechanisms that aren’t the healthiest and I’m working to fix things so I don’t rely on those as much. And while I do wish we didn’t have to go through all this, it has been interesting to see what things I have learned regarding mental health for myself and for what others experienced.

For example, when things shut down and so many of us were numb, I learned a lot about how our brains protect us when things are too overwhelming and that’s why we might be numb. We might not understand how bad things are even if we have the information and facts. Some people might have been acting like things weren’t as bad as they were because of this. But some people just refused to believe it and were defiant. Most of the people who were numb didn’t speak out too much about feeling that way because they didn’t know that’s what they were experiencing.

And right now, with so many of us hesitating about going back out in the world, there have been discussions and posts online about how some trauma takes time to show in our lives and we might be reacting to the trauma of the shutdown now. Some of the fear and anxiety might have not been felt before if we were numb and now we are seeing how serious things really are. And when you see so many people out there not caring about wearing a mask or being vaccinated, it can make things worse when there are so many unknowns about what happens there is a new surge.

And besides learning about current mental health issues and how they connect with me, I have learned a lot about how this experience relates to things that I had no clue about before. The best example I saw was discussing how the time we are in right now is only a fraction of what people who were in prison and getting out experience.

For a while, we have lived condensed lives. We haven’t seen many people, had to make that many choices about what to do, and we have stopped being social. When someone is leaving prison, they experience so much of the same but also so much more. And I know that I never gave too much thought about how long it might take someone to reenter the world after prison. I know I’ve thought about things from a technology standpoint and thinking how overwhelming it might be if someone went to prison when cell phones were basic and now they are handed an iPhone. But also, now I can understand wanting to stay isolated even when that’s what they’ve been experiencing for so long. Not wanting to be in big groups or around a lot of people makes a lot more sense. When you go from such a limited life to a full life, everything seems like a lot.

And I don’t think I could have truly understood this feeling without experiencing it a bit myself. Even though I do get burnout and overwhelmed, this is a different level of it. It’s almost like sometimes I can’t focus on things because there are so many possibilities for me. There aren’t things I’m necessarily trying to do to overcome this feeling besides be gentle with myself and not feel like I have to go out to do things just because I can.

I’m sure that one day, looking back at this time I will have more lessons I’ve learned and things I appreciate. But for now, I’m just grateful for the little bits that I’ve learned, the new skills I have, and being more aware of situations others may be experiencing.

Mental Health Month (or There Is No Shame In Therapy)

May is Mental Health Month. Mental Health Month is all about sharing how help with mental health can be for everyone and that there is nothing wrong with getting help. And I strongly agree that mental health help and therapy are for everyone. I feel even stronger about this now because I have seen how my own mental health has fluctuated during the pandemic. Even someone who was completely stable before could be having worries now that they could get help with. And there are so many ways to get help these days.

I don’t know how many therapists are doing in-person appointments unless someone is having severe issues. But those will be coming back if they aren’t back just yet. But there are other ways to get help. I personally have used phone and video chat visits with my therapist, even before the pandemic. And those visits are so easy to do and require less time than going to an in-person appointment.

I’ve been in therapy for quite a while. While I haven’t continuously been in therapy since I was a teen, that is when I did start going. And I’m pretty open and honest about being in therapy for various issues. I have no shame in the fact that I’m working on getting help and I’m always happy to share what I’m going through.

So when I saw my friend Amir post this tweet, I knew I would have to tweet about it and wanted to go further in sharing my therapy journey.

When I started going to therapy when I was a teenager, I was a little embarrassed that I was going, but I also didn’t necessarily hide it. I also wasn’t as outspoken as I am now. I went mainly for issues like mild depression and anxiety, but I also know now that there is a chance that I was misdiagnosed. This isn’t the fault of the therapist I saw, I know I was misdiagnosed by more than one therapist. But I think it was how I presented at the time and what I was willing to share. I also didn’t go to that first therapist that much, so they really didn’t get to know me.

When I was in college, I had a different therapist that I started to see the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. That was the second therapist that looking back misdiagnosed me. But I know why I was misdiagnosed and I think I gave up on that therapy sooner than I should have because I wanted more immediate results.

I did group therapy for my eating disorder in my early 20’s for a few years. That group was great and I learned a lot about myself and what coping skills I could use. And I still stay in contact with many of the people from that group through social media. I might have stuck with that group longer, but life got in the way and I couldn’t attend. I’ve thought about maybe going back, but I also know the people I knew from the group aren’t there anymore and I don’t know if I want to start with a different group. At least not right now (or when it would be safe to go to a group therapy thing again).

There were several years I wasn’t in any form of therapy until I started again to more specifically discuss my eating disorder. And while I specifically started therapy again to get on Vyvanse (since you had to be seen by a doctor to get it), I also discussed other issues with that therapist. That’s where I really learned more about the mental health issues I have and why I might have been misdiagnosed in the past. I know now that my mild depression and panic issues are related to other things like having OCD. I also understand why some of the medications I was taking in the past might not have worked for me and why sometimes it made me feel worse. And while I didn’t go on any medications besides Vyvanse (I actually stopped taking some), I felt like I was getting much better.

That therapist that I saw to get on Vyvanse moved away, so I have a new therapist working with me on things. But we also both understand in a way that I have reached a stopping point with getting mental help with my eating disorder. Now, it’s more about managing my reactions to setbacks or other tough moments. And I am working on a few other things still, such as managing my OCD and overcoming emotional abuse in my past. But even as I work through these things and feel at times that I’m stuck, I know that I’ve made a lot of progress.

But one of the biggest things that I think has helped me over the years is being open and honest about getting help. Having others in my life know what I’m struggling with allows them to be there for me when I need it. I don’t feel like I have to hide a part of myself or watch everything I say or do. And being open about therapy has also helped to connect me with others going through the same thing. Having people who understand some of the quirks with a specific mental health issue is so helpful. Being able to share resources or have a sounding board is something I know I needed. And while my friends are great about supporting me, sometimes you just want to talk to someone who is going through the same situation. But I wouldn’t have that support from anyone if I wasn’t getting help myself or being open about it.

If you are struggling with any mental health issues, please find someone to talk to. Even if you don’t think things are that bad, you have a chance to make them better. There is no shame in getting help. If you had a broken leg, would you feel shame if you had to go to a doctor and couldn’t fix it yourself? No. Getting help for physical health issues is accepted by everyone. And hopefully, soon enough help for mental health issues will be viewed the same way by anyone and everyone.

A Random Panic Attack (or It’s Been A While Since This Happened)

I’ve had a panic/anxiety disorder for a long time. I honestly don’t know how long I’ve had it since I think I wasn’t diagnosed properly at first. I remember being diagnosed with depression when I was about 18, but I actually think looking back that it was really panic/anxiety and not depression. And there was a period of time where my panic/anxiety disorder was pretty bad. It never got so bad that I couldn’t function properly, but it did affect my life a lot. I was on one medication daily and another medication as needed.

Then I went down to only taking the medication as needed and stopped the daily one. I didn’t need it that often, but often enough that I would get refills for the prescription a few times a year. Then it went down to only having panic attacks for a few situations like going to the dentist or flying on a plane. Very rarely, I’d have a random panic attack or a wave of anxiety, but I could usually pinpoint what caused it. And sometimes for me, knowing the cause helps to make it not as bad.

And for the past few years, it seems like I rarely have to think about my panic/anxiety disorder. I don’t seem to have panic attacks at the dentist anymore. I don’t even have to take medication. I do get some anxiety going to my appointments, but it’s manageable and I’m usually able to get over the anxiety around the middle of my appointment (once I know that there is nothing severely wrong with my teeth). I rarely fly, so I can’t really judge how my anxiety is with that, but I guess avoiding a trigger is a way of dealing with it. And the random attacks almost never happen to me.

I did have more anxiety than normal over this past year, but I think most people had that feeling. And it wasn’t as bad as what I’ve experienced in the past at my worst moments. So the general feeling of anxiety is just something I got used to and learned to tolerate.

But then earlier this week, I had my first big random panic attack in a while. And I honestly don’t know what caused it.

That day I did my work as normal. Once I was done with work, I went to AAA to renew my car registration. That’s usually a quick outing, but it took a very long time. They were only letting a few people inside at a time, and for some of us they didn’t let us in at all. For me, they took my check and car registration paperwork and I waited outside while they did the work. Then they came back and brought me my new registration paperwork and sticker. I was annoyed how long it took, but it wasn’t bad. And after that was done, I decided to go to Trader Joe’s for some groceries.

Going to Trader Joe’s almost feels like a treat these days. I still do a majority of my grocery shopping online and have it delivered to my house. And for a while, I was maybe going to Trader Joe’s once a month since there are some things there that I can’t get at other stores. But I’m slowly going more often. I’m still not going that much, but now I’m getting groceries there 2-3 times a month. I’m grateful that even though it is a smaller store, it’s not that crowded inside. At the beginning of the pandemic, you had to line up outside because so many people were trying to grocery shop. But now, things have calmed down enough so you don’t have to wait in line.

My grocery list was short and I got everything I needed quickly and got in line to check out. And then the panic attack hit me like a wall. It was 0 to 60 in an instant. And I still don’t know what triggered it. I just know that one moment, I was feeling fine and the next I was experiencing everything I get with panic attacks. I was having trouble catching my breath (and wearing a mask doesn’t help that feeling). I could feel my heart racing. I was shaking and sweating. My entire body felt jumpy and like I needed to not just stand still.

I thought about just leaving my groceries and going home to deal with the attack, but I ended up waiting it out since I was almost at the front of the line. I’m sure people could see that something was wrong with me, but I’m glad nobody asked me if I was ok. I couldn’t really get the words out if I wanted to. I paid for my groceries and got to my car where I tried to calm down a bit more. I was able to calm myself enough to feel ok to drive and then headed home (fortunately, the store is very close to my house). But the attack wasn’t over and when I got home I put away what I had to and went to lay down on my bed.

I tried to focus on breathing and staying calm. I tried to think about what caused this attack to rationalize it. It took just under an hour before I felt normal again. But I think about half that time was just recovering from the attack and how exhausted it made me feel. Panic attacks can really take it out of you both physically and mentally. But I was able to get back to feeling ok later that afternoon and continue on with my day.

I know that any mental health issue isn’t necessarily something you can get over, it’s something you learn to manage and deal with. But when it’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with an attack, it can be a little harder to get over since I’m out of practice. I might have a random panic attack every so often for the rest of my life, and that’s ok. I just have to remember that I can get through it and that I’m ok and safe. And in a weird way, being out of practice with dealing with them makes me a bit happy since that’s a sign that this is a rare occurrence and not a regular part of my life.

Thoughts Almost A Year Into The Pandemic (or Things Still Seem So Weird)

In a month, it will be 1 year since things shut down in California. I know the pandemic didn’t necessarily start when things shut down, but that’s the date most people seem to be using. I remember before things shut down how we knew about COVID and that it was starting to appear here, but we didn’t think it was going to get that bad.

I remember very clearly being at the baby shower for my nephew and how we were talking about cases but there weren’t any thoughts about it getting severe here. Nobody was wearing masks, we were crowded into a small room, and there was a big crowd. The idea of it almost makes me anxious thinking back at what we were doing and how little we were worried. That was only 11 months ago. And shortly after the baby shower, everything changed.

While I never thought of this weird time as something fun or interesting, it was a bit of a novelty at first. I think everyone who used to work in offices was getting a kick out of working from home. I was happy to share any tips and tricks I had learned from working from home for years. People who lost their jobs didn’t seem too worried at first because they seemed like temporary layoffs. I remember when my Orangetheory studio shut down, they were saying it would probably be open again in a month. We all assumed this time would be a brief blip and we’d be back to what felt normal to us before we knew it.

And I know there are people out there that haven’t had too many changes in their lives. There are some people who didn’t really have a choice and still had to go to work even if they didn’t feel safe, like grocery store employees. And there are others who either didn’t believe this was as bad as people said or they didn’t care and they continued living their lives normally with no concern about safety.

While I thought of the lockdown as a bit of a novelty at first, I was also terrified. I hated that I was alone and so far from family. I didn’t have a way to have someone come stay with me and the options for me to stay with others weren’t ones that would work with me. I know I thought about maybe going to Tahoe to be with my parents for a bit of time, but I kept thinking I didn’t want to be gone once things opened up in LA and I could get back to my regular life again. Plus, it’s a long drive to do and I wasn’t going to fly.

After I lost my job, I had some time where I felt lost. I didn’t have much keeping me to a schedule. I had nothing I had to do at specific times and could just do whatever I wanted. I know I wasted a lot of time then doing nothing productive and getting into some bad habits. Some of those bad habits are still things I’m trying to break right now. But I am grateful that I have something to do most days and I have to be forced to create a schedule for myself again. It’s still a struggle, but I’m getting better at it (and that’s why it’s my challenge this month).

But the main thing I think about when I think back on the past 11 months is that I feel like I just wasted a year of my life. I know I didn’t do that, but it really does feel that way. I spent the past 11 months feeling stuck in time. And yes, I got a new job and had some changes to an old job that will be very good for me in the future, but that’s all I feel like I’ve accomplished. I haven’t made any movement forward in my fitness and weight loss goals (and I’ve really gone backward). I know my eating disorder is in a worse spot because of how we have to limit going to the grocery store so I have to keep more food in my house than I’d like to. I haven’t experienced anything new or exciting. And I feel like I’ve lost a year of trying to date and find my person. And because I still got a year older while I was trapped at home, that could possibly cause issues for me if I want to have kids in the future. My fertility didn’t pause like everything else in my life did.

I’ve joked that it’s not fair that any of us had birthdays last year. None of us should have to be a year old. I want to get my year back. But at the same time, I worry about how long it will take for me to feel safe and comfortable again even when this pandemic is done. How long will it take before I can trust that going out won’t make me sick? Will I be hesitant to go meet up with friends or go on a date if I don’t know if they’ve been out with a lot of other people? The only thing I’m not too worried about getting back is going to my workouts, but even that makes me nervous because of how I’m not worried. I don’t want to go back to working out and then that’s the reason I get sick.

I know we still have a ways to go before we can say this pandemic is over. Some estimates say this summer, some say by the end of the year. So there is a chance that I will lose almost 2 years of my life to being isolated due to the pandemic. I hope that’s not the case, but I also know that I can’t do anything to make this end faster besides staying at home so I’m not the reason others get sick.

Sorry if this was a random and rambling post. While I’m doing better mentally than I have in the past in many ways, I’m also still struggling with thinking about how long I’ve been doing this and what I haven’t been able to do. I hate feeling trapped in time, but that’s exactly how I feel. And when you live alone, it’s hard because sometimes it feels like you are the only one trapped and everyone else is out and living their lives like normal.

Another Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There)

Earlier this week, I had my check-in with my therapist. As it’s been for a while, it was another video appointment. Even before the pandemic, a lot of my appointments were phone or video ones. And I’m ok with that because these appointments are more about checking in with medication things and not doing deeper therapy sessions as I did in the past.

I had to fill out a questionnaire before my video appointment, and it was the same one that I’ve done before. But the questions are as easy to answer as they used to be. For example, there is a section where you list if you never, sometimes, often, or always feel certain emotions. Some of the emotions are easy for me to answer. There are a few questions about if I feel like I want to harm myself or others, and that’s an easy one to say never. But then, there was a section about feeling lonely and isolated.

Of course I feel lonely and isolated! I am lonely and isolated! My last hug was 3 months ago. I don’t see my friends. I rarely speak to another person that isn’t over the phone or computer (I appreciate small talk with cashiers when I’ve gone to the grocery store so much now). Even though I could easily list that I always feel that way, I didn’t know if that was going to trigger anything before my appointment. So I listed it as often instead.

And when my appointment started, I immediately explained things to my therapist. I said that I know it appears that I’m doing worse than normal, but it’s just because the questionnaire hasn’t been adjusted for pandemic life. She and I had a bit of a laugh over it because she understood what I meant.

I saw this post on social media a few hours after my appointment, but I wish I had seen it before because it was perfect. It said something like “I’m pandemic ok which is normal awful”. And I think that’s exactly how I feel. If this was before and I felt like this, I’d be more concerned. But now, I think it’s ok that I’m having these struggles. I’d be more concerned if I didn’t have any struggles. If I felt normal in these abnormal times, I know I’d need help. But my struggles are what most people are feeling right now so it’s normal.

After going over my questionnaire, we talked about my medication. I had a bit of an unexpected break from taking Vyvanse when I was dealing with vertigo. When I was having difficulty getting out of bed, taking medication was the last thing on my mind. But it was ok to take a break and I’m back on it normally now. We discussed maybe changing up my medication because it could be good for me. But just like in my last appointment, both my therapist and I agree that making any changes now wouldn’t be the smartest thing unless I needed to. Because of these unusual times, it would be hard to know if my mental state is being affected by medication or the pandemic. But I liked the plan my therapist had for me with adding in a different medication and I think that I will try it when life is a bit more normal again.

That was pretty much all we discussed in my appointment. We did talk about wanting to feel safe again and hoping that everyone will be vaccinated soon. My fears about being out in public are valid and I’ll likely feel that way until I have been vaccinated. I think most people who have gotten both shots have said they have felt like a weight was lifted from their shoulders. While they are still nervous and cautious, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. And I look forward to that feeling.

My next appointment will be in 6 months. When we were scheduling it, the first date my therapist suggested was actually my birthday. I told her that and she agreed that another day might be a better option (I’m trying to believe that my birthday this year will be spent with friends and it will be safe to do that). So I have another video appointment about a week after my birthday. And maybe by then, I will be able to say that I’m doing ok and not just pandemic ok.

Remembering To Stay Calm (or Trying To Not Let The Little Things Get To Me)

Right now, it feels like there is very little that I can control. And the few things I can control aren’t the healthiest things (like how much/little I eat or sleep). And with so much that is out of my control, I almost want to have more control just to feel like it’s not as crazy. And when I can’t do that or if things don’t go the way I hope, it can be really tough to tolerate since I have so little happening in my life.

A good example is getting my groceries delivered. I very rarely go to the grocery store myself. I try to limit it to going to Trader Joe’s once a month or so because there are some things I can only get there. Most of the things I need I can get from another grocery store that delivers to me. I might have to make some changes to that because the grocery store I’ve been using fired all their union drivers to use non-union drivers, but that’s a separate issue (although maybe firing all the old drivers is what caused this issue).

The grocery delivery I have been using gives you different options when you select what time you want it delivered. There are 1 -hour, 2-hour, and 4-hour windows. The 1-hour ones are the most expensive and the 4-hour ones are the cheapest (none are free). I will usually pick a 4-hour window unless there are no other times coming up in the next day or two. And that’s something I encountered over the weekend when I tried to get some groceries delivered. The only option was a 1-hour window, so I paid for that and figured I’d have my groceries soon.

But they never arrived. I still don’t know what happened, but they “forgot” to have someone pick up my order to deliver it to me. And since the day ended, they canceled my order. I was fine and didn’t need the groceries at that moment, but it was still frustrating because I was hoping to make something for dinner that night that I couldn’t. And I was looking forward to knowing I was done with my grocery shopping for the week. Since my order was canceled, I placed another one for another day and was able to get a 4-hour delivery window.

Then that delivery never arrived on time. It did finally arrive about 5 hours late, and I guess late is better than never. But my frustration just kept building. I know that this is a service that there are human errors and delays that can happen, but it was one of the only things in my control and even that was no longer that way. I know it’s not a big deal, but it just felt that way to me. And I had to remember to not let this be a bigger thing than it really is.

I know staying calm these days is so important. Stress isn’t good for us at any time, but right now I know it can be even worse because our baseline stress levels are so much higher than normal. And I can feel in my body when I’m too stressed. My autoimmune conditions tend to get really bad, and I’m in the middle of a really bad flareup that I know is likely due to stress. Staying calm won’t necessarily resolve and fix everything, but staying stressed isn’t going to allow it to get any better.

I’ve let lots of little things get to me in the past 10 months that I’ve been isolating at home. Some of my go-to stress relief things aren’t an option for me right now, so even my normal stress has to be taken care of in different ways. And sometimes, I can handle things just fine. But to have a little freakout at home is probably to be expected. All of us are dealing with so much and if we were handling it fine, that would almost be a sign that something is wrong because this isn’t normal and fine.

Fortunately, I didn’t get upset or frustrated with anyone else like the customer service reps for my groceries. I kept it to myself and managed it on my own. And I was able to get over it pretty quickly and move on. I know it’s ok to be frustrated and stress and recognizing that and allowing myself moments to feel that way helps. And then I can move on with my day and hopefully try to stay calm and relaxed when dealing with other things in my life.