Tag Archives: eating disorder

I Guess Not All Doctor Appointments Can Be Good Ones (or I Don’t Think I’ll See This Doctor Again)

Posted on November 10, 2022 | Comments Off

After having a lot of pain in my back and hips that seemed to not end, I knew it would be smart to see an orthopedic surgeon. I’m still sad that my original orthopedic surgeon isn’t with my insurance anymore because I did appreciate how he never talked down to me and really worked with me to make a plan. I’ve had a few appointments with other orthopedic surgeons since then, but I’ve never really worked consistently with another doctor. So I had to get a new referral, which fortunately was a very simple process. And I got everything all set to see this new doctor.

It turned out that this wasn’t a new doctor to me. I had forgotten that I had an appointment with them a few years ago. If I had remembered that, I might not have gone since I now know I didn’t have the best impression of him. But since I didn’t know that until I was in my appointment, I went into this appointment hoping that I would like this surgeon and that maybe they would be the newest member of my medical team. But instead, I left that appointment feeling pretty certain that I will never see this doctor again and knowing I need to submit a complaint about them.

I know that going in for a random check for an ongoing medical condition isn’t the most normal thing, but when I set up this appointment I was still in a lot of pain. I’m glad the pain is gone now, but I would like to know what was causing it since you really can’t get diagnosed post-pain. Because of how it happened and ended, I feel like it must have been a back issue and not a hip issue. And it might have been something as simple as pulling a muscle. I know there isn’t anything wrong with my spine (based on information I got in this appointment) and there’s nothing else that is obvious. So while I started this appointment explaining that’s why I made the appointment, it was really only for a few moments before we moved on.

This doctor asked me what else was going on and I tried to explain my history with my hips. That’s when the doctor said that they had seen me a few years prior. I then moved on to explain that the pain I had worried me and I knew that I still needed a few surgeries for my hips and that I’ve gone longer than my original surgeon expected me to be able to go. As soon as I said that, this doctor said that they didn’t agree with anything my other doctor said and that I might be in a worse situation because of my first surgery. That really didn’t sit right with me. I knew how much pain I was in before and how that surgery helped. To be told that surgery wasn’t a smart thing to do really contradicts my experience.

And things just continued to get worse. Basically, the rest of the appointment was this doctor telling me I need to lose weight. They implied that if I was in pain now, they wouldn’t even recommend doing any diagnostic testing as they would not treat me until I was at a weight they felt was right for me. I know that there is a fat bias in the healthcare field and I have experienced that from time to time. But it’s usually been from doctors who I won’t see again. For example, once at Urgent Care, the doctor I saw asked me about losing weight when I was there for strep throat. Weight has nothing to do with strep. But with my regular doctors, I usually don’t get weight lectures because they understand that my problems don’t necessarily connect to my weight. But this doctor seemed to not want to discuss anything else.

They could see that I am working on my weight and am working with someone in bariatric medicine, but they were almost hounding me and asking over and over again what I am going to do to lose the weight they think I need to lose (which is also 40 pounds more than what any of my other doctors recommend for me). I kept explaining what I was doing and they just wouldn’t listen or understand that I am working on it. I don’t know what answer they wanted me to give them. They asked what I was going to do and I told them and their response was to ask me what I’m doing. It was so frustrating and I really was ready for the appointment to be over because I could tell that this was going nowhere.

Finally, they did review my x-rays with me and said that I do still have some hip dysplasia on one side (which is a birth defect and completely unrelated to weight) and that there is no sign of arthritis or any other issues. But then it got back to them asking me about my weight and what I would do before they felt like it was too late. I was feeling just over this appointment and was so glad when they ended things with me by saying that if I do have any more pain that I would need to be at the low weight they want me at before they would consider helping me.

I have never had a doctor say that they wouldn’t help me if I didn’t meet their weight requirements. I’ve also never had a doctor who could see what steps I was taking toward losing weight and just ignore them or dismiss my previous efforts. I think that was not right of them. What if I had a lot of pain right now and they refused to help me because of my weight but it ended up being something they could have fixed if they had listened to me before? I follow someone on social media who was dismissed by a doctor when they went in to discuss their pain because of their weight and when they got to another doctor who was willing to work with them, it was discovered they had stage 3 colon cancer. Refusing to help patients because of weight isn’t right. I would have understood if this doctor said that they wouldn’t recommend a hip replacement until I was at a different weight or if they discussed why weight can cause issues with that surgery. But to say they wouldn’t do anything for me unless I lost weight was just awful.

I am working on writing up a complaint about this doctor. I know I wasn’t treated fairly and that they wouldn’t have cared what my complaint was because they wouldn’t see me as a worthy patient until I was at their goal weight. And to have a doctor ignore what I’ve been doing and see that I’m working on weight isn’t fair either. They knew what medications I’m on and what doctors I’m seeing, yet they didn’t care because they wanted me to do something other than what my other doctors recommended and what their plan is for me. I have lost some weight since starting my new medication. I’m down about 3% of my body weight, which I think is pretty good for it just being a month so far. But it could have been 50% of my weight and I feel like this doctor would have been just as dismissive of me.

I’m grateful that the pain I was experiencing is gone for now so I don’t have to worry about seeing this doctor again. And I do want to find a different doctor to work with me because I don’t feel comfortable with this doctor at all. Even if I was at the weight they want me to be, I would still know that they wouldn’t want to help me if I gained weight and got out of the range they want me to be in. I don’t need someone helping me who only wants to help if I match specific things. Unfortunately, this doctor is the only hip specialist at the hospital I go to. So I would need to find a different medical center to meet someone else. But honestly, I think the drive would be worth it so I’m not treated like this again.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge eating, doctor, eating disorder, health issues, hip, hip issues, weight loss

A Few Weeks With The New Medication (or I’m Hoping I Continue To See Progress)

Posted on November 4, 2022 | Comments Off

It’s almost been a month since I had my appointment with the doctor in bariatric medicine and got put on a new medication. This was a medication I was interested in and one of the main reasons I made the appointment. However, I was nervous about it since I knew it was an injectable and I know how much I hate getting shots. But since it could be something that would help me, I was willing to try. And I’m very glad that when I went to that appointment, the doctor I met with agreed and I started the new medication that day.

Since I started the shots that day and they are once a week, I did my fourth one this past Monday. And the way the medication is set up, you have to work up to what is considered a therapeutic dosage. You start at a very low dose for 4 weeks before increasing to a higher dose. And you don’t get to the therapeutic dosage until 8 or 10 weeks in. So I have only done the lowest dose so far and I will be switching to the next level when I do my shot this Monday. I know that because this medication, or ones that are like it, are being advertised a lot on tv that a lot of people are curious about it. So I thought that I would share my thoughts and feelings on how this has gone for me so far.

I’ve tried many different medications in the past for either weight loss or my eating disorder. I know that none of the things I have taken are a miracle cure and that they have always been tools that can help me with the effort that I’m making on my own. And while I would love to not have to try, I understand that I can’t just rely on medication to do the work for me. Fortunately, I have been doing a lot of the right things already. I didn’t need to worry about adding in exercise since I’m at Orangetheory 4 mornings a week. I know that my eating isn’t great, but it’s much better than it has been in the past. And I have felt for a long time that if other people were doing what I have been doing, they would see results. But I know that my metabolism has been off for a long time and I have wondered if it’s gotten worse over time and that’s why I haven’t seen a lot of change.

And so far, I can say that with this new medication, I do notice some changes. And I’ll start with the positives. I haven’t been as focused on food as I have in the past. I know that other medications were supposed to do the same thing for me, but maybe I have needed the combination of them in order to get that feeling. I do still have moments where the desire to binge eat happens, but it’s less frequent than I can ever remember. I’m also not eating as much at each meal as I did before. I know that this new medication slows down digestion, so you feel full sooner. And I do notice that.

But feeling full sooner isn’t always a good thing. I’m not great at eating lots of little meals, but I think I need to try to do that or add snacks to my day. I can eat too fast and that makes things very uncomfortable. I haven’t had some of the more severe reactions to eating too quickly or too much, but I have felt pain when I haven’t done the right things. I also know that my blood sugar is probably very low now. This new medication does lower your blood sugar (it was originally for diabetics) and that really affects me throughout the day. It’s a struggle to work out in the morning, and I’m working on finding the best things to have before a workout in order to not feel lightheaded or shaky. I’ve been drinking juice, but I think I might need to eat something more substantial before going to class. I just need to find the balance of what will make me feel ok but not sick when working out. I don’t like to eat before a workout, but I will just have to be flexible with that idea and do what is best for me and allows me to push myself as much as possible in class. And the main side effect that I’ve experienced has been nausea, but I also know that can be due to other things in my life so I’m not sure how much is from this new medication. I know that when I do the shots, I feel worse for a few hours, so I know some of it is from this. But it’s not nearly as bad as what I deal with normally each month.

Even though I’m not on the therapeutic dosage yet, I have seen results. The first week I had a pretty significant weight loss. It was about 5% of the weight I want to lose. That’s a lot, but I also knew that the first week or so of any new medication or eating program can cause a lot of weight loss right away. I haven’t lost a lot of weight since that first week, but I have seen very small changes. I’m trying to not weigh myself too much since there are so many things that can cause fluctuations in my weight, but it is reassuring sometimes that I’m still making progress. Even if it’s not fast, it’s something. And if I lose a pound or so a week, that’s still going to add up to a lot. So I’m hoping that I’ll continue to see this type of progress, especially as I work up toward the therapeutic dosage.

As much as I hate shots, I’m lucky that injecting myself with this new medication hasn’t been as much of a struggle as I feared. It’s still not easy, but it’s tolerable. And I think seeing the results I’ve had so far has been good motivation to keep going. So after 4 weeks of this, I have to say that I’m glad that I am trying this. I think it was the right step for me to take and even with some of the negative side effects I don’t have any regrets yet. And I hope that’s how I continue to feel as I keep going and that it will be the tool that I have been needing to work toward recovery.

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Posted in Health, Weight Loss

Tagged binge eating, doctor, eating disorder, medication, weight loss

Getting Through A Few More Doctor Appointments (or Hoping For Some Positive Outcomes)

Posted on October 13, 2022 | Comments Off

I continued with my numerous doctor appointments this week. I had one in-person appointment and one phone appointment so far this week. And this weekend I think I will have some medical testing done. Like I said in my other post, I have a lot of appointments this month and they just happened to pile up. But I’m working on getting through them one by one. But they are all for good reasons and I’m hoping that through all these appointments I will have some plans for how things are going to move forward for me.

My first appointment this week was my in-person appointment. This was with someone in bariatric medicine, which was through a referral from my therapist. There are a few new medications that can help with weight loss, even though they are used off-label, and I wanted to learn more about them. My therapist couldn’t go over those with me since they weren’t her expertise, but she knew that bariatric medicine would be able to do that.

I was a bit nervous going into that appointment. Maybe it’s just me, but I have always thought of bariatric medicine as weight loss surgery. And I knew that I was not interested in doing that. There are a lot of reasons why I don’t want surgery, and I didn’t want a doctor trying to convince me otherwise. I know that surgery is usually the option with the best results, but it just wasn’t something I was willing to do.

Fortunately, my appointment went a lot better than I expected. I really liked the doctor that I met with and she did discuss the various options with me, including surgical ones. But once I said that I was not interested in surgical options, she didn’t discuss it further. We went over the history of my weight, various diets I’ve attempted, and my eating disorder. She was very clear that nothing she could help me with would help with my eating disorder, and I knew that. I take Vyvanse to help with that, but I think my history of dieting and other weight-related issues has really messed with my metabolism. I can have what should be perfect food days for multiple days in a row and I won’t see any weight loss. There should be at least a little weight loss when I know I’m not overeating. Or when I’m sick and not really able to eat, I don’t lose weight when I know most people do. So I wanted to find a tool that might be able to help my body lose some weight while I do the rest of the work myself.

Going into my appointment, I specifically wanted to discuss a few different medications that all were essentially the same thing but with different dosages or protocols. The one downside to these is that they are all injectable medications and I really hated that idea. But I think my desire to see if this would work was higher than my fear so I was willing to try it. And after going over my medical history and other information, the doctor agreed that one of these injectable options could be something that helps me. It’s not a guarantee, but I at least want to try it.

So I was prescribed the medication and then had to be taught how to use the injectable pen. It’s similar to what an EpiPen looks like, but there are multiple doses in each one so I had to learn how to select the correct dose and change out the needle. This is something I will need to inject once a week, and I started the same day I saw the doctor. I was terrified to do it, but I watched all the instructional videos and did it while laying down on my bed in case I passed out. And I was shocked that I didn’t pass out! I was shaking pretty badly before and after the shot, but I think that was just nerves and nothing else to worry about.

I hope that each injection is as easy as this first one was. I won’t have my next one until next week, so at least I have time between each one. And because of how this medication can affect you when you start it, you start with a dosage that is below the therapeutic dose. So I might not notice results for a little while as I build up to the dose that is supposed to work.

My second appointment this week was my phone appointment with a general medicine doctor. This was to get a referral to orthopedics because of the pain I’ve experienced recently. I’m feeling much better now, but I also know it’s better to get checked out since it’s been several years since I’ve seen anyone in orthopedics. I didn’t know if this phone appointment would be all I needed for the referral, but the doctor I spoke to could see my history of working with different doctors in orthopedics as well as the notes that I will likely need more surgeries. So she put in my referral without asking too much or needing me to come in to see her first. And I’ve already spoken to orthopedics and I’ll be seeing them in about a month. I think just making sure I’m ok and having a new game plan will be smart since I know I will need additional surgeries at some point.

And the other things I have to get done are medical tests related to the appointments I had this week. I need to do some blood work for the doctor I saw in bariatric medicine just to have some baseline information since this new medication has some rare side effects and it’s important to have a bit of monitoring around that. And I also need to do a general x-ray of my hips to prepare for my appointment with orthopedics next month. I know that in the past, my hip issues are not seen on x-rays, but that’s the process when you start with a new doctor. And after my appointment, they might order an MRI since that’s how they can really check how things are. I don’t have to do either of those tests immediately, but I would like to get them out of the way so that’s why I’m trying to get them done this weekend.

Over the next 4 weeks, I have 3 more appointments. I don’t know if I’ll have more than that, especially with how quickly appointments piled up already, but at least I’m getting all this done so I can make sure that I’m doing the things I need to do for myself and I’m as healthy as I can be. And hopefully, this new medication will help me with losing weight, and when I see the new doctor in orthopedics I will have a good plan figured out for my next steps.

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Tagged binge eating, doctor, eating disorder, health issues, hip issues, medication, pain, weight loss

First Therapy Appointment At My New Home (or Seeing What Other Options Are Out There)

Posted on August 17, 2022 | Comments Off

Because I only see my therapist every 6 months or so right now, my last appointment was before my move. I knew I was going to be moving and the renovation had started when I had my last appointment, but I didn’t know when I’d be moving in and didn’t know that the renovation would take as long as it did. Realizing that the last appointment was before I moved makes it seem like it was forever ago, but it was only 6 months ago. But a lot has changed in those 6 months.

I don’t know if this will ever change back, but my appointment with my therapist this week was another video appointment. I’m actually ok with keeping them video appointments so I don’t have to worry about taking time off of work to drive there and back. And since they are pretty basic check-in appointments, I don’t think I need to be there in person for anything.

And as always, my appointment this time went pretty smoothly. We talked a bit about my move and the renovation. I also showed off my office space a little since it’s very different on camera than what my living room looked like before. And she agreed that even if you are only moving a few blocks away as I did, moving is still very stressful and exhausting. I feel like I’m finally recovering from moving, but I also still feel like I have so much more work to do.

And I was honest with her that my food wasn’t so great during the stress of moving. I think she understood and I explained that I have been working to get things back to normal for me and not let the stress get to me the way it did during the move. I don’t have a scale right now, but I can tell with how my clothes are fitting that I’m back to what my weight was before or perhaps a bit lower. I am debating about getting a scale again because I do see the pros and cons of having one. For now, I’m ok without one and I think that’s ok since I’m using clothes to be mindful of things.

As always, the main part of my appointment was to discuss my medications. I’m good with the medication that I’m currently taking and I do feel like it still makes a difference. It’s not a miracle cure that makes everything easier for me, but it is a helpful tool. But I wanted to ask about some other medications that I’ve been hearing about more that can help as well. I know there are always new medications out there and some are weird off-label situations, but the ones I’ve been hearing about are FDA approved to help. The main downside to them is that they are medications that have to be injected. They come in injection pens, so that makes it easier, but I still hate needles no matter what and I don’t love the idea of having to give myself shots. But I’m also willing to try what is out there to see what might work.

So I brought up the new medication options out there and my therapist agrees they might help. But because they are more focused on weight loss or weight management and not treating an eating disorder, she could not prescribe it to me. It would need to come from another doctor who specializes in that. So she put in a referral for me to meet with someone in the bariatric department. I know they will probably discuss weight loss surgery with me, but I’m really not interested in surgery. I’ve heard too many negative side effects and I don’t know if there would be anything that changes my mind. But this department also deals with medications that help with weight, so whether it would be one of the medications I heard of or something else, maybe I’ll start something new soon that will help me more. As I said, I just have to try and see what works for me and this is another step to do that.

After my therapist set up the referral for me, we set my next appointment with her for 6 months from now. Maybe I’ll have some big updates or changes if the referral appointment goes well. Or maybe I’ll have progress another way in 6 months. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens and continue to try the best that I can as long as I can.

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Posted in Health

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, health issues, mental health

Feeling More Like Myself (or I Know Getting Back On Track Takes Time)

Posted on July 22, 2022 | Comments Off

As I wrote a few days ago, I was dealing with some really bad days with my eating disorder. They were rough and I really felt low, both mentally and physically. I knew that my eating disorder could affect me in really extreme ways, but I really hadn’t dealt with those issues until this past weekend. And even though I recognized that I was dealing with some bad days and working my way out of them, I knew it would likely take some time because things can’t always bounce back quickly.

Getting back to eating regularly was something I could start working on right away, but the effects of having a few days without eating well are still with me. I’m feeling weak from time to time and my food schedule is still off. I have used alarms in the past to remind myself to eat, but I don’t always use them. But I knew that I needed to set them back up now so I wouldn’t go through the day without thinking about it. I still don’t always eat when I know I should, but at least I am being reminded about mealtimes. And I do try to figure out something I could eat either when I should eat or have something ready to eat in an hour or so. I am lucky that I never had issues with remembering to drink water, so I haven’t had the side effects you can get from dehydration. But not eating well really takes a toll on your body and I am still feeling some of them.

I knew that feeling more rested would take longer. You can’t really catch up on missed sleep, plus I don’t have that many days I can sleep in each week. I really can only sleep in a bit on Tuesdays and Sundays, but because I get up so early every other day I rarely sleep in that late. But I have been making more of a conscious effort to get to bed sooner and not stay up late watching tv or doing other things. I know that my tv shows can wait until the next day or later that week, so if it’s time I should start getting ready for bed and I’m in the middle of a show, I’m better about just pausing it and turning off the tv. I can get back to them later and I know that getting more sleep will benefit me more in my life. And fortunately, the issues I was having with not being able to sleep or stay asleep have almost gone away. I do still wake up during the night occasionally, but I am not struggling as much as I did at the beginning of the week with falling asleep or going back to sleep. So even if I’m not getting as many hours of sleep as I should, it’s now more consistent sleep during the night.

But what I think is the most important part about getting back to feeling normal is that I am not being hard on myself. I can’t expect perfection, especially when I’m working on getting over some tough days. As much as I would have liked for it to be like a light switch and for things to instantly get better, I am being patient with myself and not looking at these lingering issues as reasons to give up. I know that I will get back to feeling normal eventually, but it will take time. And being upset with myself wouldn’t make things faster, so there’s no point in feeling that way.

Hopefully, I will just continue to feel more and more normal again and I don’t have any new setbacks, but I also know that additional setbacks are always possible. But I’m working on staying optimistic and doing what I can to get over the rough days I went through earlier this week so I can move on to better days.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, health issues, recovery

A Rough Weekend For Me (or Working On Getting Back On Track)

Posted on July 20, 2022 | Comments Off

I’ve been lucky that with my eating disorder recovery, I haven’t had that many extremes. Obviously, an eating disorder could be considered extreme on its own, but I know that some people have had struggles both with the eating disorder and recovery that are much worse than what I have gone through. I have had some tough days and struggles, but mostly they have been things I have been able to work through and they haven’t affected everything in my life like I know they could. But this past weekend, I had what I would consider one of the worst eating disorder weekends I’ve had since I have tried to get better.

Even though I have a binge eating disorder, the way it works sometimes makes it tough for me to eat. Part of that is just the nature of the eating disorder and part of that is my mind thinking that if I don’t eat it will help me lose weight. I know that you can’t be successful with weight loss if you are starving yourself, which is why I do try to eat at mealtimes even if I don’t feel like it. I know that not eating can backfire and cause me to have a really bad binge episode. But I don’t remember another time where not eating hasn’t resulted in me eating at some point. But that’s exactly what I went through the last few days.

On Saturdays, I don’t always eat breakfast. I try to, but it’s one of the only days I can sleep in a bit later because I don’t have a workout before work. So I can sleep until 7am instead of getting up at 5:45am. I don’t eat while working since I am on the phone, so I usually will have my first meal when I’m done with work at 11am. I guess that could be considered brunch, but it’s just when I get a chance to eat. This past Saturday, things distracted me and I just didn’t eat. I finally thought about it around 5pm, but I really wasn’t hungry. And I struggle to force myself to eat sometimes when I’m not hungry. I finally did force myself to eat something so I didn’t go the entire day without food, but it had been 24 hours since my last meal. I know that some people can do intermittent fasting, but I shouldn’t do that. And not eating much at all that day really affected me mentally and physically. I didn’t sleep well that night.

On Sunday, I tried to force myself to eat something when I got up but I couldn’t stomach eating anything. It wasn’t like I had food poisoning or something, I just had a block in my mind preventing me from eating. And then I got distracted with more things before I could try to fight that thought. Just like on Saturday, I didn’t think about eating again until close to dinnertime. Another 24 hours had passed and I still wasn’t able to eat much. I was able to eat more than Saturday, but it was less than what I know I need to have in a day to function. And again, I slept horribly on Sunday night and I was pretty tired when I went to my workout on Monday morning. My body was also starting to be affected by the lack of food and sleep and I just was in a rotten mood and struggling throughout the day.

I think realizing how badly I was doing on Monday was a reality check that I needed. I went to the grocery store after work and got foods that would be easy to turn into meals, including microwave dinners. I know they aren’t the healthiest options, but I also knew that having some food is better than no food. That might not be the advice everyone with a binge eating disorder gets, but I also knew some of my thoughts and reactions were not what I was used to with my eating disorder. They were closer to what some of my friends with anorexia say they went through. I don’t think my eating disorder is morphing because I was able to snap out of it, but I also think that different eating disorders are closer related than some people realize.

I’m glad that by yesterday, I was starting to do better. After eating a better meal on Monday night, I slept better that night. And on Tuesday, I was able to eat a little bit before work and planned out my meals that day. They aren’t what would be perfect and healthy meals, but they were meals and things that I know I would eat. And that’s exactly what I needed to do and what my focus needs to be on this week.

I’m not worried that this is something that will continue. I think I got a bit lazy with working on recovering and it caught up with me in a weird way. But, it was also a way to prove to myself that when I do have a setback like that, I don’t have to let it take over my life for a long time. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it all weekend, but I’m glad that it seems like I’m getting back on track this week. I don’t feel totally normal just yet, but I think I’m just dealing with some of the effects of having very little sleep over the weekend. But my food is much better and I know that I will continue to feel better.

I know I’m lucky I haven’t had to deal with something like this before, and I’m glad that I have built up enough skills and instincts to not let it get much worse. But it was also a good reminder that I’m still in the struggle with an eating disorder and have work to do before I feel like I’m recovered. And I feel a renewed focus on doing the work I know I need to do and hopefully seeing the results follow soon after.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, health issues

A Super Fast Therapy Appointment (or Having Therapy On An Insanely Stressful Day)

Posted on August 19, 2021 | Comments Off

My therapy appointments are usually 6 months apart, so it’s been a while since I’ve had one. I mostly have therapy as medication check-ins and not to talk things out, so there isn’t a big need to go often unless I am testing out a new medication. Even though they are only medication check-ins, I do still discuss how I’m feeling and how I’m doing, but they don’t go as in-depth as they did when I was attending therapy more often.

And I was doing video appointments before the pandemic, but I appreciate having video appointments even more now. It’s so much easier for me not to have to leave my house, especially when I have such a full work schedule. And when I booked my most recent appointment, I was basing it on the idea that my work schedule would be close to what it used to be before the pandemic. I was hopeful that things would be coming back, so I figured that was a smart decision. I didn’t consider that I’d be working more hours so the time that used to be right after work would be during work. But since it was a video appointment, I figured I could multi-task a bit for a quick appointment.

What I wasn’t expecting was to have my therapy appointment on the most stressful day of my customer service job. Without going into too much detail about how things work at my company, it was the day that our clients were informed about the start of some things for August. And while most were happy and were messaging us a quick thank you, this also had a lot of clients who thought they had canceled or changed their service reach out questioning what happened. Most of the miscommunication was through a partner company we work with, but it still created a ton of work for me. And right now, I’m pretty much the only person doing the customer service work. So when I had to log into my video appointment, I was in the middle of the craziness of responding to people.

I’ve said this before, but I’m grateful my therapist knows me. I’m sure I looked frenzied and in a panic because I was trying to get work done. But I explained to her about the number of messages I was trying to respond to and she understood. So she helped to make the appointment go quickly. She asked if I was ready to start testing other medications, but I think she agreed with me that it’s still not the right time since I will want to know if any side effects are due to the current circumstances in the world or the medication. I do think a change might be in order, but waiting feels right to me for now.

And we did discuss my current stress levels but I explained how it was a very temporary situation and likely only for that day. In the recent past, I discussed stress related to the pandemic and not being vaccinated yet, but now that’s not as big of a concern for me. I’m still being careful and I’m glad that I will be eligible for a booster shot soon, but I think now that I know I’m at least a little protected has helped to bring down my fear a lot. And the stress being unvaccinated caused me was very different from what I was feeling due to work. My work stress wasn’t really in my control, but it felt more in control to me.

After a bit of a check-in so she knew I was doing ok, my therapist agreed that keeping my medication the same was a good plan and she set me up for another 6 months through the pharmacy and booked my next appointment in February next year. And I know that if I need to contact her for any reason before my next appointment, I can do that and get another appointment sooner. Or I can email back and forth with her if I have questions or concerns.

I have no clue what the world will be like in 6 months. Maybe I’ll finally be ready to discuss changing up my medications. Maybe it will be better in the world but I won’t be ready to change things up. I really have no clue. But at least for now, I’m sticking with the plan that has been working for me and continuing to do the other things I need to do to get into recovery with my eating disorder.

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Posted in Health

Tagged binge eating, doctor, eating disorder, health issues, mental health

Another Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There)

Posted on February 4, 2021 | Comments Off

Earlier this week, I had my check-in with my therapist. As it’s been for a while, it was another video appointment. Even before the pandemic, a lot of my appointments were phone or video ones. And I’m ok with that because these appointments are more about checking in with medication things and not doing deeper therapy sessions as I did in the past.

I had to fill out a questionnaire before my video appointment, and it was the same one that I’ve done before. But the questions are as easy to answer as they used to be. For example, there is a section where you list if you never, sometimes, often, or always feel certain emotions. Some of the emotions are easy for me to answer. There are a few questions about if I feel like I want to harm myself or others, and that’s an easy one to say never. But then, there was a section about feeling lonely and isolated.

Of course I feel lonely and isolated! I am lonely and isolated! My last hug was 3 months ago. I don’t see my friends. I rarely speak to another person that isn’t over the phone or computer (I appreciate small talk with cashiers when I’ve gone to the grocery store so much now). Even though I could easily list that I always feel that way, I didn’t know if that was going to trigger anything before my appointment. So I listed it as often instead.

And when my appointment started, I immediately explained things to my therapist. I said that I know it appears that I’m doing worse than normal, but it’s just because the questionnaire hasn’t been adjusted for pandemic life. She and I had a bit of a laugh over it because she understood what I meant.

I saw this post on social media a few hours after my appointment, but I wish I had seen it before because it was perfect. It said something like “I’m pandemic ok which is normal awful”. And I think that’s exactly how I feel. If this was before and I felt like this, I’d be more concerned. But now, I think it’s ok that I’m having these struggles. I’d be more concerned if I didn’t have any struggles. If I felt normal in these abnormal times, I know I’d need help. But my struggles are what most people are feeling right now so it’s normal.

After going over my questionnaire, we talked about my medication. I had a bit of an unexpected break from taking Vyvanse when I was dealing with vertigo. When I was having difficulty getting out of bed, taking medication was the last thing on my mind. But it was ok to take a break and I’m back on it normally now. We discussed maybe changing up my medication because it could be good for me. But just like in my last appointment, both my therapist and I agree that making any changes now wouldn’t be the smartest thing unless I needed to. Because of these unusual times, it would be hard to know if my mental state is being affected by medication or the pandemic. But I liked the plan my therapist had for me with adding in a different medication and I think that I will try it when life is a bit more normal again.

That was pretty much all we discussed in my appointment. We did talk about wanting to feel safe again and hoping that everyone will be vaccinated soon. My fears about being out in public are valid and I’ll likely feel that way until I have been vaccinated. I think most people who have gotten both shots have said they have felt like a weight was lifted from their shoulders. While they are still nervous and cautious, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. And I look forward to that feeling.

My next appointment will be in 6 months. When we were scheduling it, the first date my therapist suggested was actually my birthday. I told her that and she agreed that another day might be a better option (I’m trying to believe that my birthday this year will be spent with friends and it will be safe to do that). So I have another video appointment about a week after my birthday. And maybe by then, I will be able to say that I’m doing ok and not just pandemic ok.

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Posted in Health

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, health issues, mental health

Having My Story Out There (or Welcome To Any New Readers!)

Posted on December 15, 2020 | Comments Off

Back in July, I wrote a post about how I was a guest on a new podcast. I was invited to be on Brianne Davis-Gantt’s Secret Life Podcast. It was a podcast that hadn’t come out yet, but I heard about it through Brianne’s husband. He had posted about the new podcast and invited anyone who has a secret in their life to submit their story. Even though my eating disorder isn’t really a secret anymore, it was a big secret in my life for a long time. And I know that it is a secret for so many people.

I had the best time recording this podcast episode over the summer. Brianne was wonderful and she made me feel so at ease. This was the first time we had met, but she was so open and friendly and it felt like I was just sharing my story with a friend. I didn’t feel judged at all, which is so important when sharing a secret. And I felt like we had an amazing conversation.

We did discuss this blog a bit (which is why I might have some new readers) and how I originally wasn’t going to write about my eating disorder on here. Before starting this blog, I had another one that was going to be anonymous where I thought I could be open and honest about what was happening. But by hiding who I was, I wasn’t being open. And that was a big reason why my first blog failed. And with this blog, I wasn’t going to share that part of my life because I was terrified about how people would react. But sharing my story on here was the best decision I made for myself and it has only benefitted me. I have received a little negativity after sharing my story, but it has been so out there that it hasn’t bothered me (like someone blaming my eating disorder on not praying every day). Sharing has been such a good thing and I’m so grateful that I had another chance to do it.

I will admit, I was a little nervous between recording the episode and it when it was released. Mainly, I was nervous that I sounded dumb or said something I didn’t mean the way it sounded. I’m aware that I can sound dingy at times, and my vocal inflections don’t help that. But I hoped that I sounded the way I wanted to. And even though I felt pretty certain that the reaction to the episode would be positive, you never know. But it’s only been out for a day, and it’s already getting good feedback! And I am so happy about that!

And I would love for you all to listen to it as well! I hope that you find that it’s a slightly different take from how I share about my eating disorder here. And I highly recommend subscribing to the Secret Life Podcast and listening to the other episodes. I have been subscribed since the beginning and every episode has been incredible. I almost don’t feel worthy to have my story on there because I don’t know if it’s as good as the others. But I am trying to shut that little voice down and remind myself that my story is important too.

And if you are new here, as I mentioned in the episode, I have some resource links available if you are looking for help. It’s hard to start getting help, but as long as you are ready to receive the help you get it can be amazing. I know for me, I had the information way before I was ready. Before I was ready, I couldn’t really take it in and I wasn’t able to implement the things I needed to. But once I was ready to start my journey toward recovery, I’m so glad I had a lot of information I could use and it has been a great tool for me.

Thank you again to Brianne and Mark for letting me be a part of the podcast! I really am so grateful that you gave me this chance. And by putting myself out there in a different way and being honest to more people, I think this might help me just as much (or more) than it helps people who listen to it. I know that keeping a secret can only make things worse. So being more and more honest hopefully will only make things better.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, health issues, podcast

Getting Back On Track (or Another Continuation Of A Monthly Challenge)

Posted on October 1, 2020 | Comments Off

For September, I challenged myself to get back on track. I’ve done a lot of variations of this challenge since the pandemic started. It’s been hard to get back to good habits when my world is not the way I’m used to. It’s hard to have a schedule when you don’t have things to schedule around. I tried to find a way to get things to feel a bit more stable, but I kept struggling.

And just like every other attempt at this challenge, I feel like I made some progress but I didn’t fully succeed. But I do feel like I made more moves forward than I have before, and that’s something I’m proud of. I think it did help that I had 3 things that I really focused on and I had some clear ideas of what I wanted to do. I focused on my sleep, my workouts, and my food.

For my sleep, I’m not quite back to my regular sleep schedule. But I’m getting closer. I am still staying up a bit later than I would like to, especially when I know I could sleep in if I wanted to the next day. I’m really trying to get back to my regular schedule where I don’t sleep in. There’s really nothing happening now that I need to stay up for. I just don’t go to bed on time. I’ve been getting much better at getting in bed before midnight (I want to get it closer to being in bed by 11:30 or maybe a little earlier). And while I do read in bed before I go to sleep, as long as I’m in bed by that time I usually do ok with my sleep. I had occasional nights where I was up until 1 or 2, and I felt really miserable the next day. I think that I just need to keep working toward going to bed earlier and I’ll be back to my schedule soon.

My workouts also are feeling a bit more on track. I’m having setbacks and my bad weeks are really tough on me. But having weights really has helped me feel like my workouts are closer to what I used to do when I went to the classes in person. I’m feeling sore, which is a good feeling to me (I still can’t believe I like feeling sore) and I know that I’m getting some of my strength back. I’ve been lucky that I haven’t struggled to keep up with my workout schedule because that would have been really hard to fix. But having half-ass workouts has been a bit of a struggle too and I feel much better about how my workouts are going after this past month.

Getting my food back on track was harder for me. This is something that is so hard for me even in normal times. But doing it during a pandemic when I’ve had so many setbacks is even harder. But I still had some good things happen. I’ve been more mindful of what I already have when I make my grocery list. I try to limit how often I get groceries delivered. I’ve tried to not order in as much from different restaurants because I know I always have something I could eat at home when I do that (it just might not be as tasty or what I’m craving).

And getting my food back on track fits in with my challenge for this month. I want to work on finding some more easy and lazy recipes this month. By easy and lazy recipes, I mean things I can put together with almost no effort and with things that I either usually have in my house or have ingredients that are easy to get. I don’t have a lot of these recipes right now in my life. I would say making a turkey burger or veggie burger and steaming veggies is one of them. Another is roasting some potatoes and onions and then putting an egg on top of it (sometimes I add cheese too). Those are super easy for me to make and I don’t have to think too much about it when I’m making them. I also have minimal clean up when I make them.

I know having more recipes like those will help me continue to make progress with getting my food back on track. I don’t think I will ever be someone who wants to cook every night (although that is a challenge I’m considering), but I’d love to cook from scratch a majority of the time. If I eat a frozen dinner once or twice a week and have things I made the other nights, I would consider that a huge step forward. But in order for me to have that happen, I know I need to find more lazy recipes. That’s the only way I can see that idea sustainable.

Hopefully, I’ll find some great recipes that I will want to make over and over again. And if I don’t, I’m still hoping that this challenge makes me cook more and gets me to a better place with my food. The only way I see myself failing this challenge is to not try. And I know that is possible, but I’m really hoping I don’t allow myself to do that.

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Posted in Food, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge eating, challenge, eating disorder, fitness, food, sleep, volt planner

Tag Archives: eating disorder

I Guess Not All Doctor Appointments Can Be Good Ones (or I Don’t Think I’ll See This Doctor Again)

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A Few Weeks With The New Medication (or I’m Hoping I Continue To See Progress)

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Getting Through A Few More Doctor Appointments (or Hoping For Some Positive Outcomes)

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First Therapy Appointment At My New Home (or Seeing What Other Options Are Out There)

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Feeling More Like Myself (or I Know Getting Back On Track Takes Time)

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A Rough Weekend For Me (or Working On Getting Back On Track)

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A Super Fast Therapy Appointment (or Having Therapy On An Insanely Stressful Day)

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Another Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There)

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Having My Story Out There (or Welcome To Any New Readers!)

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Getting Back On Track (or Another Continuation Of A Monthly Challenge)

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