Tag Archives: binge

Finishing Up Brain Over Binge (or This Really Feels More Like Just The First Part)

While the Brain Over Binge course that I was doing online technically ended last week, I didn’t get a chance to finish things with the course until this week. My life has been busy (as I have mentioned over and over lately on here) and I didn’t want to rush through the lessons just to finish on time. I wanted to be able to focus on the lessons and do them properly even if that meant I had to do them on my own time. Fortunately, the course didn’t close access right away so I was able to do that. We actually have online access for another several months, plus all the lessons are downloadable so I have all the handouts and audio files saved for forever.

Every time I try something new, I try to not get my hopes up. I know that nothing is going to be the instant fix I dream of, but it’s hard not to hope that maybe something will somehow be that for me. I want something to just click in my brain and change everything for me. I know that that is unrealistic, but there are rare cases where that happens and I’d love to be one of those. I feel like I’m already a medical oddity so why not be one in the positive sense too.

But as I expected, this wasn’t the miracle I dreamed of. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t helpful. I did find the online course very helpful for me. There were a lot of lessons that were things I have learned in other classes I’ve taken or that I’ve heard in group therapy settings, but it is always good to hear it again because everyone has a way of putting things a little bit differently. And sometimes you need to hear something more than once before it really connects with you.

And sometimes even with something being something you have heard multiple times, you hear a new reason that makes more sense and it helps you understand why you need to do it. And the biggest lesson I got out of the course was a repeat lesson that had a new explanation for me. And that was having a meal plan and a stocked kitchen with “safe” foods. For me, safe foods don’t mean healthy foods. It just means foods that I know I can eat or that I can prepare and will be satisfied with. A majority of it is healthy food, but some of it is not as healthy because I want to have snacks in my house ready to eat so I don’t feel like I need to go out and buy food and then possibly buy more than I need.

Along with having a stocked kitchen is being more aware of trying to stay on a food schedule. And this is something I struggle with. I hate to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry. And I’m rarely hungry in the morning so I don’t like to eat breakfast most of the time. But I know I need to so I get in a better place so that I’m eating a bit more balanced throughout the day and don’t get too hungry later in the day. I’ve been experimenting more with breakfast options and not caring if they are what most people would eat or if they are what others would consider a full meal. Even eating an apple is better than nothing.

While there were lots of other little lessons I learned over the past 9 weeks, I think working on my eating schedule and how I stock my kitchen was the biggest one and that made me think that I want to do the course again so I can see what other lessons I will pick up since that won’t be what I focus on. I don’t want to do the course again immediately since I want to have a bit of time to work on this first, but the benefit of having everything saved on my computer means it will be there for me when I’m ready for it. Maybe this is something I do twice a year? Not sure what the right schedule is for me just yet, but it is definitely something I will be repeating.

I’m so glad that I made this investment in myself. It wasn’t the most expensive thing, but anything extra is a lot when I don’t have a lot of money. But I’m worth the expense and I got something great out of it. And I can’t wait to see what I get out of it the next time I take the course (and the time after that, and the time after that, and so on).

My Day At Kaiser (or I Guess This Was For The Best)

If you follow me on social media, you saw that I spent Wednesday at the hospital. I was there for about 6 hours doing medical tests and things, and in the end I got some interesting news.

kaiser

First, I need to explain why I was in the hospital. On Tuesday afternoon/evening, I had a pretty bad binge episode. It wasn’t the worst one I’ve ever had, but it was pretty significant. I’m not proud of myself, but it is what it is and I can’t go back to change it. About the time I was getting ready to go to bed, I noticed some symptoms that usually mean I’m about to have a gallbladder attack. I wasn’t looking forward to having an attack, but this happens from time to time after a binge.

Usually my gallbladder attacks follow a very predictable pattern. I feel the signs that one is starting before going to bed and I usually can fall asleep before it happens. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in pain and within an hour it is over and I am able to get back to sleep. But this time, it was very different. I couldn’t go to sleep and the pain was not ending. I didn’t get any sleep for that entire night because the pain was so intense. There were times in the middle of the night that I debated calling my mom for advice or going to the emergency room, but I decided to try to tough it out.

By the time my alarm went off on Wednesday morning, I wasn’t doing any better. I was exhausted from not sleeping and feeling horrible that I did this to myself. If I hadn’t binged, I wouldn’t be in pain. I tried to see if I could make it through the work day and go to the hospital after, but that wasn’t going to happen. So I made an appointment with someone in internal medicine for 9:45am and went over to Kaiser.

I was very honest with the doctor I met. I told her that I binged and that I have a history of gallbladder issues. But she didn’t feel like it was gallbladder stuff this time based on the pain I was in. So she ordered some blood work and an x-ray and instructed me to come back once those things were done.

The blood work wasn’t fun (I passed out a few times while the blood draw was happening) and while the x-ray was easy I was still in very intense pain. By the time I got back to the internal medicine department, I couldn’t find a way to make myself comfortable.

The good news and bad news was that there was nothing weird in my tests. I had elevated liver enzymes, but I had that issue the last time I had blood work and I knew that it was something I was supposed to work on. So the doctor ordered an ultrasound to be done so that my stomach, gallbladder, and pancreas could be looked at to see if there was anything that would explain the pain I was in.

The wait for the ultrasound was excruciating. I was sweating and crying in pain and it took almost an hour for them to get to me. And in the ultrasound, they had to press really hard where my pain was located and that was causing me to tear up and have issues breathing. I was really glad when that test was done and I went back up to internal medicine again to see the doctor for her response to my tests.

When I went back up to internal medicine, the first thing they did was give me a shot of a painkiller to help me a bit. At that point, I didn’t even mind that the shot was happening because I just wanted to get out of pain. It didn’t take the pain completely away, but it dulled things a bit and helped to make it more tolerable.

But again, the doctor couldn’t find what was causing my stomach issues. She let me know that it wasn’t my gallbladder as there was only one tiny gallstone in there and it was not in a place that could cause me pain. And everything else they were looking for looked normal. So her best guess was just really bad indigestion or a stomach ache or possibly a small ulcer. She told me to get some antacids and heartburn medication down at the pharmacy and said that my pain should go away within a week.

I was still really mad and embarrassed that I did this to myself. If I hadn’t binged, I wouldn’t have had this problem. And while I want to believe that this will stop me from binge eating, I’m not thinking that would be true. It’s a very tough addiction to get over (can you imagine an alcoholic having to have 3 drinks a day without going crazy?) but I’m trying to focus on getting myself better as much as I can.

But my appointment and time at Kaiser wasn’t a total wash. While my ultrasound was happening, the tech scanned over my liver and noticed what may be a cyst on my liver. If this is accurate, this would explain my weird liver enzymes on my blood work and would make things easier to figure out. Since the ultrasound isn’t the best diagnostic tool to look at cysts, I now have more blood work scheduled plus a MRI with contrast (which means another IV) to look more into things. And I have an appointment with a surgeon after that to hear what needs to happen if there is something I need to do.

If I hadn’t had the binge episode and the stomach distress I never would have found this possible cyst. It is something that explains the weird things in my recent medical tests which is a relief since I couldn’t figure out why things were so weird. But it also is now taking me down a crazy rabbit hole of more medical testing and doctors. I’m hoping that they will tell me that if it is a cyst nothing needs to be done with it. Some cysts go away on their own and maybe this one will do that. But I’m also preparing for more stuff I might need to do.

Either way, I’m a bit grateful that I did something stupid because it lead me to find out something that I needed to know was wrong with me. I wish that this liver thing was what was causing my pain or we could find out what was causing it, but at least I have some medication to take for now and a plan for what else I might need to do.

Following My Doctor’s Instructions (or Days Off From Vyvanse)

At my last appointment with my therapist, we covered a bunch of things. We discussed my decrease in exercise due to my calf tear and the anxiety it caused me (if only I knew then that coming up there would be a week where I could only work out once). We talked about my happiness checklist and the fact that I’ve continued to do it every day as he asked me to. I’m still one of the only patients who has actually followed through with this homework assignment he has given to many patients. And we also talked about how I was doing on Vyvanse.

I’m very torn on Vyvanse. Since increasing my dosage to 2 pills a day instead of 1 pill a day, I’ve noticed that it does help me more often. But it doesn’t help all the time like I wished that it would. I know that it’s an aid and not a miracle drug, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it was a miracle drug.

While it does help at times controlling my hunger (and I do sometimes forget to eat most of the day) it isn’t a weight loss medication so I’m not seeing a huge change on the scale. I know that I shouldn’t judge the medicine’s success by what number is on the scale, but I do.

I expressed these frustrations to my therapist when I was there last. He brought up a suggestion to me that I’ve been trying to test out. He wants me to try going one or two days a week without taking Vyvanse. He wants me to do that on days that I’m not doing anything that may put me in a tough situation with food.

At first, I didn’t want to do this. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Since this is a time release medication it’s good to have days without it so my body doesn’t get used to it. I’m close to the maximum dose that my therapist would prescribe, so he doesn’t want to keep increasing it because I will max out soon. So having days with no medication and then days with medication is a way to keep my body from getting used to the dosage.

I wasn’t sure when I’d try doing this at first, but then when I got sick I just forgot to take my medicine (despite the alarms I set on my phone). There were 3 days in a row that I didn’t take it. Those 3 days were pretty much a blur to me due to how sick I was, so I can’t say if I felt that different compared to when I’m taking them. I tried another day without medicine this past Sunday (it wasn’t a busy day for me so it seemed like a good day to try it) and I did notice a difference. It’s almost as if my anxiety got worse because I was terrified on how I would feel without the medicine.

But I got through the day just fine and since then the past few days have been better days for me. I don’t necessarily feel like the medication is working more. But it feels like the concerns that I have in my head every day are a bit quieter for me. It’s not going to be easy to find days that I’m ok with not taking my medicine, but I’m going to try to find one day a week that I can do it. If I can’t, that’s ok but at least I’m making a real effort in trying it. And knowing how much better I feel this week is motivation to keep having a day off.

Of course, I still wish that Vyvanse works more than it does. It’s unrealistic but I can dream. But at least now I have a much more positive opinion of Vyvanse than I did before and I think that will help with the success of the drug.

Are any of my readers on Vyvanse? I’m curious about your experience on it because when I’ve done Google research it seems like I’m having a unique experience. If you don’t want to comment (and be public about being on it), feel free to use the contact page to send me a message privately.

Trying To Keep All My Good Habits (or I Need To Get Back On Track)

Why does it seem like whenever I make progress, something comes that sets me back?

Once again, my weight loss progress has stalled. And I know it’s my fault. I’m not doing so great with my food (again).

I tried to go back to my cleanse plan, but my body wasn’t happy with that. I was getting nauseous and dizzy throughout the day, especially during workouts. And those symptoms would last for an extended period of time where I didn’t feel safe driving or sometimes even walking (I ran into several doors in my house and got lots of bruises). So I tried to just say with a good “normal” diet plan with trying to stay in my calories each day.

It’s just not working. I’m finding that I’m screwing up almost on a daily basis. It’s  not as bad as it’s been in the past, so that is some progress. But these little slip ups do add up and they really are effecting my weight loss.

The one thing I will say is that no matter how bad I feel after eating “bad” foods, I’m still going in for my workouts. In the past, if I had a binge episode I would spend the next day or so recovering from it. And that recovery usually meant laying in bed or the couch waiting for my body to stop hurting. But now, even if I’m hurting or feel sick I still work out. I might not work out as hard as I know I could, but something is better than nothing.

And with this setback with my food, I’m also having a problem for the first time with water intake. I’ve always been someone who drinks too much water. In fact, I’ve had to monitor my water to not drink too much (that can cause issues). I’m still getting in close to 100oz of water every day, but that’s less than I’d like to drink. I’d rather be closer to 125oz.

I just bought a new water glass for my house online and it should be delivered in the next week or two. This one is a 24oz tumbler that is double-walled so I can have it next to my computer while I’m working and I don’t have to worry about the water sweat. Hopefully that will help me get more water in while I’m working (that’s been one of the toughest times for me to hydrate).

Even though I’m having these setbacks, acknowledging them is a major step. And stopping my bad habits before I get back to my before weight is progress too. The water issue seems easier for me to fix than the food one. But I’m really hoping that I can slowly get back on track soon.

Maybe all these setbacks and needing to get back on track moments aren’t really setbacks. Maybe this is just what “normal” eating is like. I’ve never really experienced that so it is a foreign thing for me to deal with.

The Good Outweighing The Bad? (or When Will I Get Back On Track?)

I’ve been having a lot of bad foods days lately.

I honestly don’t know why.

I’m stocking my fridge and pantry with a lot of the same things that I was eating during the cleanse and weight loss challenge. But I’ll go out and get “bad” foods if they aren’t in my house. And I always immediately regret the fact that I ate the “bad” foods as soon as it’s done.

This isn’t a boredom thing. It’s just the nature of my eating disorder. I almost go into a trance state when it happens. I sometimes don’t realize that I ate something until I see the empty wrapper or container in front of me. It scares me that I can lose track of time and myself and not realize it.

I have no idea why I did so well while on the cleanse and I’m having a tough time now. It really makes no sense to me. But this is a pattern that I’ve had in the past. When I’m on a food plan that has a specific end goal (like my first hip surgery or the weight loss challenge), I can do ok. But when the goal is a general one, whatever keeps me on the right path goes away.

The one big difference between now and other times when I’ve lost a decent amount of weight is that I’m still continuing with my workouts (and pushing myself more and more). Having my workout consistency is helping me with not gaining all the weight back right away. In the past, the weight came back as fast (if not faster) than I lost it.

I have gained back some. It’s less than half of what I lost, so that’s not too horrible. And my weight has held steady for the past week and a half at the amount I’ve gained back. I’m working really hard at trying to get back down to where I was (and get lower). My clothes aren’t too tight, so I know that the weight I’ve gained could be water weight. Normally when it’s “real” weight, my clothes feel tight immediately.

I’m still trying to focus on the fact that I’m still weighing less now than I was at the beginning of the year. And I’m making steps to be at a weight that I need to get to in order to consider getting my hip surgery.

I’m not sure if I’ll have another bad food moment/day in the near future. I’m really going to try to stay focused on my time and not to let time slip away. I’m continuing to plan out all my meals and hopefully with having it written out early in the day will give me something to focus (while I don’t like the idea of counting down the minutes to my next meal, it might help keep me on track).

This is all just the nature of the beast of this eating disorder. I’m aware that this post might sound odd and rambling, but that’s how it is in my head. I’m trying to focus and put all these things in order but it doesn’t seem to have an order to go to.

Vacation From Meal Planning (or Finding It Hard To Go Back)

While on my trip, I didn’t worry too much about what I was eating. I knew I’d be drinking a lot more than usual and I didn’t want to stress about counting calories. So I pretty much just entered what I had at breakfast in MyFitnessPal so I wouldn’t lose my record of how many days in a row I’ve tracked my food.

Breakfast was pretty easy. We got a free continental breakfast at the hotel so I had hard-boiled eggs, fruit, and toast. Nothing too crazy. Lunches were pretty sensible as well. I ate more bread type items because I wanted to help soak up some of the alcohol, but the portions were pretty reasonable.

And dinners were more extravagant. We went out for nice dinners the two nights we went out and I got what I wanted without worrying about calories. I had bread at dinner, enjoyed some great pasta one night, and got to enjoy a truly incredible steak (worth the wait!).

We didn’t have dessert any nights and we did some walking each day. So by the end of my trip, while the scale was up a little it wasn’t unreasonable.

My problem has been getting back on track with my food. I have been doing so well for so long, and this week has been extremely difficult for me. I’ve eaten things that I thought I’d be able to avoid and not have as temptations in my house.

I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but this week was a crazy week. I’m working out at weird times (or at least weird for me), I’m working as second job at night, and I’ve got the film festival I work for this weekend. So I’m not able to eat on the schedule that I’ve been doing in the past. And the stress and tiredness I’ve been dealing with lowers my willpower and doesn’t allow me to make the best choices.

This weekend is going to be pretty bad food-wise. I’m working at the festival both days this weekend from about noon until 11pm. It’s at a bar, so I will be able to order something to eat for a large lunch/dinner meal (I’m thinking about eating a later breakfast and then eating something around 4pm to be it for the day). There are ok choices at the bar, but it’s still going to be food that I didn’t prepare myself. I’m looking at their menu online to try to plan things out the best that I can, knowing that things might get crazy and plans have to be flexible.

But after this weekend, I’m really hoping to get back into the groove that I was in. The big positive I’ve been trying to remind myself is that I’ve only had about a week of slip ups and my weight is still significantly down. I didn’t wait until I gained back all the weight (or all the weight plus some), before realizing that there is a problem and trying to make a change.

Counting Every Calorie (or Seeing Things In Black and White)

The other day I seriously went crazy with food. Not just a little. Crazy to the point I felt sick.

Usually when this happens, I make sure that when I’m done I throw out any remaining “bad” food so I can start over the next day. And since I track my calories, I put in something into the MyFitnessPal app so it doesn’t show that I skipped a day.

That’s not exactly how things went this week.

First of all, I forgot to throw out all of the “bad” food. And so when I discovered it the next day, I decided to eat it for breakfast (I have no clue why I did this).

So I was already feeling pretty horrible about my day after eating something I shouldn’t have first thing in the morning. But I decided to make myself accountable for what I did.

First, I went back to the day before and entered in all the foods I ate. I went well over my calorie goal for the day, but at least I had a number to put to it.

Then I entered what I ate in the morning. It was over half of my calories for the day. But by having that information in, I found a way to manage my calories for the rest of the day so that with my workout that afternoon, I was just under my calorie goal for the day.

Taking the emotions out of food is really helping me. While I’m in the moment of weakness and eating what I shouldn’t, it’s a completely emotional experience (even if that emotion is being numb). But when I regain my senses, putting the calories of everything down really does help put things into perspective.

I could have easily said that I screwed up with my breakfast so why not screw up for the entire day. And I’ve done that over and over again. It’s so easy to believe that you will start being good tomorrow or after the weekend or after the holidays. But starting over right after the “bad” meal is really the best.

I hate that I’m still struggling with all of this. I wish that it would just go away. But the reality is that I will most likely have these issues for the rest of my life. Hopefully it won’t be as frequent as it is now (which is way less frequent than it used to be), but I have to allow myself to have slip-ups.

And at least by tracking everything I can see that I didn’t really screw up and that I can get back on track and still have a successful day.

Another Set Back (or Why Can’t I Just Learn My Lesson)

The other day, I had another food set back. I had everything planned out perfectly for the day, but it just never worked out for me.

I shouldn’t have been hungry, but I was. And since I don’t keep a ton of food in my house (or many reasons), I ordered delivery food.

This was not a smart decision for many reasons. But at the time, it seemed like the only option to make myself not feel hungry anymore.

The food didn’t taste that great. It used to, but since I’ve been avoiding foods like this for a while, my body doesn’t crave them the way it used to. Even though it didn’t taste great, I ate it.

The one positive I’ve found out of this situation is that I was not able to eat even half of what I used to eat. I was too full and was starting to feel sick right away. So I did the only thing that sounded sane to me at the time.

I covered all the remaining food in household cleaner and put it straight into my garbage can outside. That way, the food would not tempt me any longer.

That night was horrible for me. I’ve had issues with my gallbladder in the past (many women on my mom’s side have had issues so it’s not a surprise that I do). I used to get gallbladder attacks a few times a year. I’ve been to the hospital for them, but it hasn’t gotten to the point where they want to remove my gallbladder (nor do I want to deal with any more surgeries than I have to).

I haven’t had a gallbladder attack in about a year or so. I was just talking to my mom about how many my gallbladder issues are gone now.

But that night, I had one of the worst gallbladder attacks I’ve ever had.

If you’ve never experienced gallbladder issues, you are lucky. The pain is incredible and it seems like no painkiller can help. The pain is in your spine and ribcage and there seems to be no position you can sit, stand, or lay down in to get comfortable. I spent that night in horrible pain and maybe slept for an hour or two total (in 10 or 15 minute spurts).

I know that setbacks are normal and that I have to understand that they will happen. But I’m hoping that somehow I will learn my lesson at least a little from this setback. The gallbladder issue was most likely caused by too much fat in the meal that I ate. And I know that other setbacks I’ve had in the past have not been as bad as this one was.

While I’m sure I will still have a craving for this food again (even though I know in my head that it won’t taste that good), I’m hoping that I will remember the pain that I felt after eating it this time. If it doesn’t prevent me from getting the food altogether, maybe it will help me eat less of it or to not order all that I did before.

But I am very proud to say that after this one setback I got back on track again the next morning. I didn’t allow myself to have a bad week because of a bad meal. And the weight that I gained from this setback is almost all gone now.

So maybe I have learned something from my past self.

Staying Under (or Does It Really Matter What I Eat?)

I’ve been having some battles with food lately. Nothing as bad as it’s been in the past, but it’s not as good as it’s been lately either.

I’m making crap choices with my food. I’m still logging them in to My Fitness Pal so I’m able to keep track of my calories, and that’s helping me a lot. When I’ve made bad choices, I’m still trying to stay under my calorie goal for the day. I’m not sure if this is a good plan or not, but it’s what’s happening and I figure I might as well share it.

I remember when I was in group therapy at the UCLA RFO program and we would discuss calorie goals. I remember the group leader saying that it doesn’t matter if you eat 1,200 calories of fruits and vegetables or 1,200 calories of Dove bars. It’s still 1,200 calories and if you are below your calorie goal for the day, you will lose weight.

And I’m totally aware that eating 1,200 (or whatever your calorie goal number is) calories of good food is better for you. You will be able to eat more, feel fuller, and have a more nutritious day.

But sometimes, all that practical reasoning doesn’t matter.

So on Monday, for example, I ate a relatively healthy breakfast (at 11am since I worked a late shift that day), but in my craziness of getting ready I forgot to pack my lunch. There aren’t a ton of healthy choices that I can get in my 30 minute lunch break (7-11 for fruit and yogurt is one of my best options), but I didn’t feel like doing that. So, I went through a drive-through. I got food that normal people eat on occasion and nothing too crazy. I didn’t get fries or a soda. And I planned it out so that I was still under my calorie goal for the day.

This meant that I couldn’t eat dinner when I got home from work, so my last meal of the day was at 3:30pm.

Was I hungry when I got home? Yes. Did I eat a small dinner? No.

I didn’t want to go over the calorie goal for the day. And in a twisted way, I wanted to punish myself for eating the crap food at lunch.

My plan did work a bit. I gained a portion of a pound, but I’m pretty sure that’s from the excess sodium in my lunch. It helped me feel more in control that I knew I was under my calorie goal.

Yes, I realize how crazy I must sound, but in the years that I got therapy for my eating disorder, I learned that I’m probably going to battle this my entire life. I’m going to have moments where I’m weak and eat things I shouldn’t. But part of winning the battle is how I react after. I didn’t give up for the day on Monday and eat more crap for dinner. I said that I was done with my meals and went to bed a little hungry. And the next morning, I was back on track with better eating.

That’s how I know I’m getting better.