Going Back Instead of Forward (or Trying to Learn From the What Ifs)

Last night, I watched the women’s gymnastics team win gold. That was an awesome moment. I’ve always felt a connection to gymnastics. I did gymnastics for a few years as a kid (I can still do a cartwheel, roundoff, somersaults, and the splits). But I think my gymnastics interest peaked in 1996.

That was the year that the magnificent seven won the team gold medal. And Amy Chow was one of those seven girls. Amy Chow trained at the same gym that I went to as a kid. We were there at the same time (but not at all at the same level). I remember my mom telling me during the ’96 Olympics that she remembered watching Amy at the gym and seeing how amazing she was as a kid.

Back then, I wondered what would have happened if I never quit gymnastics. I honestly don’t remember why I quit (I think it had something to do with being fearful of the back handspring, but I might be remembering it wrong). Could I have been an Olympic caliber gymnast too?

I look back at my life at various points and wonder what if. Sometimes, I drive myself crazy with what ifs. One that kills me is wondering what if I tried to lose the weight when I wasn’t as heavy. Or what if I had realized that I wasn’t horribly fat and just needed to lose a little weight.

The picture below is the day I moved into my freshman dorm at Loyola Marymount University. I’m standing next to my best friend Kate.

I remember feeling so unbelievably fat in that picture. Those shorts were bought at Lane Bryant, and they were the first item that I ever bought there. I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t shopping at BP in Nordstroms.

Now when I look at that picture, I wish I looked like that. Yes, I was bigger than my friend, but I looked pretty normal.

If only I knew then what I knew now. Along with my eating disorder, I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder and body dysmorphia. I don’t see my body the same way that the world sees it.

When I lost weight in 2006, I had a trainer. And my trainer would compare my body to others working out in the gym so I could have a sense of what my smaller body looked like. But without her constantly in my ear, I stopped seeing the reality and started to see my fake body in my head.

This time, I’m focusing on my objective benchmarks. I have a love/hate relationship with my scale, so I will use that, but I can’t always trust it. I’m using a tape measure for waist/hip measurements as well as paying attention to my clothing size.

I know that I can’t go back and change what I’ve done, but I’m really trying hard to learn my lessons from the past.

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Another Set Back (or Why Can’t I Just Learn My Lesson) Biggest Loser Finale (or I Wish I Didn’t Have To Write About This) Getting Weighed In (or A New Orangetheory Challenge) My Love/Hate Relationship with the Scale (or Can I Drop Kick a Scale without Hurting Myself?) Weight Loss Update (or Why I’m Trying Not To Get Frustrated) Lunch and Learn (or Learning More About My Next 5K)