Monthly Archives: June 2019

And Some More Politics (or Appreciating Social Media)

Besides being involved in my union politics, I’m much more active in national politics. I think many of us became more involved after the 2016 election and I am one of them. While I have always voted, I didn’t know a ton about the various issues before. And I wasn’t paying attention to the multiple candidates until it got down to the last few. I did try to be informed, but I realize now how little I knew and what I was missing.

I know I have watched primary debates before, but again I think I know much more now than at any other time. Before they were more like background noise and now I’m really watching and making sure I don’t miss information. I take a lot of pride in making sure I pay attention and am trying to be informed about what each candidate stands for. Although this year, it’s much harder to be on top of things since there are so many people running for president. I know that the field will be reduced soon, but I still want to be educated at this early stage.

There are a bunch of pros and cons with splitting up the first debate and I don’t necessarily need to go into what I think about them. But it is giving me 2 nights to watch what’s happening and continue my political education. And with many other things that most people watch live, I watch live and enjoy participating on social media while watching. I do most of my posting on Twitter for these things because that seems to be the best place to do that. And it seems like a lot of other people do the same which makes these debates and other live events so much more exciting.

For the first debate, I did do as much live tweeting as I thought I would. The debate didn’t have as many moments that I wanted to comment on. I think the time limit did restrict things a bit too much and the candidates were really focused on saying all of their favorite talking points (I’m writing this post before the second debate, so I have no idea if it goes any better). I also ended up getting some phone calls that I had to take while the debate was happening so I had to pause it. I do sometimes still tweet along with live things even if I’m behind, but I was more focused on paying attention than being funny.

But even when I wasn’t tweeting, I was still following along on Twitter and seeing what other people were saying. A lot of the tweets were funny and snarky like they typically are during events like this. There is a lot that can be made fun of when someone says something that could easily be taken another way. But there were also the more serious and fact-checking tweets. I love being able to see almost immediately if a statement someone says is accurate or what may be misleading about it. I think that it has made it much easier for voters to understand if a candidate is saying something real or if they are changing the truth to make themselves look better. It’s one of the real positives of social media that I think benefits the country.

I have lots of ways that I stay informed and involved with politics even when there isn’t a live event happening. I listen to many political podcasts and follow different news sites and political commentators. I am aware that there is a bias with many people writing about things, but I try to keep that in consideration when using that information. There are seriously so many ways to make sure you know what is happening in the country and in the world and I do want to take advantage of that. I also know that there is a risk of burnout so I try to not go overboard. But there is just so much to know about that I can’t help going down rabbit holes from time to time. But at least I know that within those deep dives I’ll find at least a little political snark on social media.

Grateful For Quick Turnarounds (or Neutral Doesn’t Mean Bad)

I just wrote about how I had my Hot Mess Day on Sunday. It was seriously an epically bad day and I just couldn’t get over how things just seemed to be working against me. I was trying to stay a little positive and try to look on the bright side, but I couldn’t force myself to believe that when I was in the middle of that day. On Sunday I had reached out to friends who told me things would improve as well as getting some messages from readers on here, but even yesterday morning I was still thinking that bad things would be coming my way.

But yesterday day I had a moment of clarity. For some reason, I was still living in the negativity of that bad day. Nothing too bad happened to me on Monday or Tuesday. I was dealing with pain and nausea, but nothing else beyond that. Those days were pretty neutral. But because nothing good was happening either, I think I was still in the mindset that they were still bad days. But when I was thinking yesterday about things, I realized that I was thinking that way and I had to snap out of it.

A neutral day does not mean I’m still in the middle of the bad days. That means that my bad day was over and I’m just not having a good day. I had to remind myself that when I usually don’t. But I think that’s because of how bad Sunday was for me. While I normally can get back to a better mindset quickly, this time I had to make a bit of an effort and take a few steps to get there. But I did get there and I’m feeling much better.

It also helps that some of the physical things are getting better. I really thought I had a significant injury to my ankle. I don’t know if it wasn’t as bad as I thought or all the things I did to make it better helped, but it’s almost back to normal. I still have a little bit of pain and tenderness sometimes while walking, especially when I get up from a chair or out of bed, but the swelling is down and it doesn’t look bruised as it did before. I was expecting to be limping and struggle all week, as well as possibly still have pain next week. It was a nice surprise when that didn’t happen. I’m still being careful and cautious so I don’t reinjure it, but at least my week isn’t being affected by it.

And my pain and nausea have been getting better each day this week. I have joked that there is a certain amount of nausea I have to experience each cycle. Sometimes it’s mild nausea for more days and sometimes it’s extreme nausea for only a few days. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s really what it feels like for me. And this cycle, it seems like I had extreme nausea for a few days scenario. I still have a little bit of nausea left, but when I have gotten used to such horrible days the mild ones aren’t as bad. Plus, the mild days seem to be able to be reduced further by medication when the extreme days seem to not be helped by medication at all. Again, I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s what seems to be happening with me.

After my realization on Wednesday, I really tried to find the positives that I had over the past few days. That’s what inspired this post. I needed to remind myself that there are good things happening to me and even if there aren’t, neutral things aren’t bad. I’m sure there will be other days in my future that are like my Hot Mess Day where I can’t snap out of it like I can with a normal bad day. Hopefully I will remember what I learned yesterday about neutral days being ok and have the same turnaround that I was able to have this time.

I also just wanted to thank those of you who reached out to me. Sometimes writing these posts feel like I’m writing into a void and I don’t think about someone else reading what I wrote. I knew when I wrote that post that I was going to be ok, but I know that it didn’t necessarily read that way. I am humbled that some of you reached out to me to check in to make sure I was fine. It’s just another positive thing I have to remember when I have bad days. There are people who do care about me and will reach out to me even if I don’t directly reach out to them.

Another Rut In My Life (or Time For Some Shopping)

I’ve written about being in ruts before on here. I’ve been in ruts with my work life, my social life, my food, and lots of other things. I think being in ruts is part of why time seems to go by so quickly. When it’s tough to tell the difference from one day to the next, you don’t realize how many days go by. But this time, it’s about a different type of rut that I don’t know if I’ve thought about before. But first, a little backstory.

I’ve had a ton of different jobs in my life. Some of them have been random and sporadic and some have been really serious jobs. I would say that overall my jobs are more casual than office jobs, but I’ve had some jobs that were more serious than most. And with all my jobs, there have been different dress codes and standards I had to meet. I’ve had jobs that have had a required uniform. I’ve had jobs that have such a strict dress code that I had to wear pantyhose or tights if I wore a skirt. And I’ve had jobs that have zero dress code and I can wear whatever I want.

Before my current job that allows me to work from home, the last few jobs I had were pretty casual dress. I could wear jeans and t-shirts and be ok. Sometimes I would dress a little nicer, but there were no requirements I had to meet. I usually tried to stick with more comfortable clothing since I was stuck at a desk for so many hours and I didn’t want to be uncomfortable and squirming around when I should have my focus on work. I usually rotated the same few outfits from week to week since I didn’t care what I looked like. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone and I just had to wear clothes that were appropriate.

Now, I work from home and there is zero dress code or standards. I do get dressed out of my PJs to work, but I’m usually in something that I probably wouldn’t wear in public. Most of the time, I’m wearing some form of yoga pants and a tank top or bralette. If I have something I have to go to after work, I’ll wear the outfit I need to wear for that thing. But more often than not, I don’t have much after work and I don’t care at all about what I wear.

Because of my lack of caring about my clothes, I don’t really wear much of what I have in my closet. Obviously, there are some things I have that wouldn’t be worn at work no matter what. But even my casual clothes aren’t being worn that much. I don’t care to wear them and when I have to find something to wear it has become a bit of a struggle. I haven’t done much clothing shopping lately outside of workout clothes so I’m not very inspired by what I do have in my closet. I also have to deal with severe weight fluctuations that make my clothes tough to wear sometimes. For example, right before my period started I went up 15 pounds overnight. I know that is not real weight I gained, but it makes a lot of my clothes not comfortable or ill-fitting.

I don’t believe I need to wear anything fancy for the time I’m working. Most likely, I will keep my usual work uniform of casual clothes because I do want to be comfortable while working. But I want to have a closet that excites me and makes me want to have places to wear things. I want to look into my closet and so happy I have amazing things to wear. So I’ve been slowly doing some clothing reevaluation.

I don’t want to buy a lot of things because I don’t have the need or the money. But I do want to have fun things and new things to enjoy during the summer. Since I’m not looking for serious pieces or things that I need to last a lifetime, I can look at cheaper clothes that might not last for years. There are a bunch of stores that I like that sell clothing that fits what I’m looking for. I’m also looking at buying things off of Amazon since there are lots of clothing options in my size on there and it seems to be affordable even if they are kind of like throwaway clothes. Again, I don’t need to be creating a wardrobe that lasts for years. I just need some new things to make me feel like I have fun things to wear right now.

I don’t know if buying new clothes will inspire me to go out and do more things, but at least I know that if I find pieces I love that I will be more confident when I’m out and about. Right now, I do feel sloppy a lot because I don’t have clothing that makes me feel put together. I don’t have to dress as I did for my fanciest office job, but I do want to feel cute and stylish. And I know I’m not getting that out of the clothes I have right now.

Having A Hot Mess Day (or I Should Have Just Stayed In Bed)

For years, I’ve talked about how I have dumb days and smart days. Fortunately for me, most of my days are smart days (or at least neutral days). When I have a dumb day, I just can’t figure things out. Everything becomes a huge issue and I just cannot think correctly. They seem to hit me pretty hard, but I have gotten used to the idea of having them so I know how to deal with it when it happens.

But this past Sunday I had something new. I have started to call it Hot Mess Day. That’s when everything seems to not go my way no matter what I do or try to make happen. It was honestly an epically bad day. It was so bad that I got to a point where I just had to laugh about things because I didn’t know so much could pile up on me and I didn’t know what would come next.

It started with having a bad pain and nausea day. I knew I would be happening based on how things happen with me and my cycle. I have gotten used to having these days, but it doesn’t necessarily make them easier. When I woke up, I had to take the various medications I need to make things not as severe and then I went back to lay down and wait for the meds to kick in. Once they did, I took advantage of a brief moment of feeling almost normal to get some grocery shopping done. I have to time out my errands around when I’m feeling a bit better during these bad days, so I knew I needed to do something at that moment. So I got all my things for the store and left to do my grocery shopping.

Things seemed normal until I got to the checkout. I had forgotten that the night before I had to use my credit card for something online and for some reason I forgot to put the card back in my wallet. I don’t know if I’ve ever forgotten to do that before (maybe I was having a dumb day and didn’t know it?) and I couldn’t believe it happened to me. I did have another card I could use for groceries, but it was not the card I wanted to use and I was beating myself up a bit for not checking to see if I had put my card back in my wallet the night before.

Once I got home from the grocery store, I was feeling pretty awful. I got the groceries away that needed to be in my fridge and freezer and left everything else for later while I went back to my bed to lie down. I was sweating from how bad the pain was and I was getting sick. When I was sick, I took the few steps from my bed to get to my bathroom. My bed isn’t high up or anything so there’s usually not an issue getting out of bed quickly. But for some reason, something happened one time getting out of bed to go to the bathroom on Sunday. I still don’t know exactly how it happened, but when I put my left foot down I had a huge shock of pain. It actually took my breath away for a second. I ignored the pain while I went to the bathroom but when I was feeling more normal I turned my focus to my foot.

My left foot and ankle were looking extremely swollen and bruised. I could maybe understand being swollen or bruised, but to have both was weird. I feel fairly certain I didn’t break anything and it’s just a bad sprain, but it was still painful. I had some KT tape in my bedroom so I used that to tape up my ankle and then went back to being in bed trying to wait for the next time I was feeling normal so I could do some laundry.

And if all this wasn’t enough, I had a screwup with a job on Sunday too. This wasn’t my fault because I had been told to do something by one person and it turns out they were wrong and I had to go back and fix the work I did. Nobody blamed me for it, but I was the one who had to fix things and figure out how to work around it. I had to redo the work I had done earlier that day, but it took less than 20 minutes to make the fix. If Sunday had been a normal day, I think this wouldn’t have bothered me too much. But because of everything else I had to deal with earlier in the day, this was almost a bit of a breaking point for me. I decided I couldn’t deal with much more and just spent the rest of my evening sitting on my couch and watching really bad/trashy tv. It seemed a fitting evening for the day.

I’m aware that I do need to have bad days to help me appreciate the good ones, but I really would prefer the bad days to not be this bad or to hit me as much as this one did. But as some of my friends put it to me on Monday, I survived my Hot Mess Day. It doesn’t matter how bad the day was, I made it through and I should remember that if I can get through that I can probably get through anything. It’s a great way to think about it and I’m glad I had people who could put it into that perspective for me. But I’ll still be hoping that this Hot Mess Day is a once in a lifetime issue and the rest of the bad days I have in my future are easier to deal with.

Some Highs and Some Lows (or Taking Wins When I Can)

This past week of workouts had some really amazing moments and some really annoying moments. It really was a week of ups and downs for me. I knew going into the week that I would likely be nauseous for at least a part of it. And that was accurate. But I still had some really great victories that even the worst pain and nausea couldn’t bring down.

Monday’s workout was an interesting day. First, it ended up being a 2 group class. My normal classes are all 3 group ones so it’s been a while since I was in a 2 group class. But it was fun to take one when I’m not used to it. Also, the workout had the 200 meter benchmark row. Rowing benchmarks are very competitive for me, especially the short distance ones. I knew what my best was from before going into class, and while I would have loved to have beaten it I went into class just hoping I was close.

I started with cardio but since everyone was going to do the benchmark toward the beginning of class we started with an extended warmup. Then it was time to head to the rower to try my best with 200 meters. I know that for the sprint rows like that it doesn’t matter to have nice long pulls on the rower. So I tried to keep my strokes short and fast. I think I got the wattage higher than it ever has been which is a great accomplishment. I didn’t get a personal best, but I was close and was very happy with that.

After everyone in class finished the benchmark, then we were back to regular blocks. For cardio, we had a lot of all outs with walking recoveries and push paces with base paces after. I stuck to my normal resistance levels on the bike and just focused on not letting the higher resistance levels make my pedaling slower. It’s not easy to go at the same speed when it’s harder to pedal, but I was close to keeping everything within the same range.

On the floor, we had 2 blocks. The first block was longer and had shoulder presses, lunges, plank low rows, and sit-ups. After completing those exercises we had a 100 meter row. I was more determined to see what I could do with a sprint row so I asked my coach for a little bit more advice on what to do. He gave me some pointers on keeping my strokes short and he made sure that my hard rowing didn’t make the rower bounce too much (which does happen from time to time). Even though I already did over 40 minutes of my workout, I was able to get my 100 meter row within a fraction of a second of my personal best. My coach said if I had done it toward the beginning of class that I probably would have gotten a personal best. The second floor block was shorter and had toe-tap lunges, bench hop overs, and crunches. By the time class was done, I was exhausted from the work I did on the rower but felt super accomplished.

Wednesday’s workout was the first day that I was experiencing nausea. It wasn’t as horrible as it could get, but it still slowed me down and made me a little extra cautious during the workout. So I just worked on modifying where I needed to and just worked what I could.

For cardio, it was pretty simple. We had 3 rounds of 3 minute distance challenges. I put the resistance level between my base and push pace and that was comfortable yet still a bit of a challenge for me. I know if I was feeling my best I would have done better with the distance each time, but I was just happy doing what I could and feeling like I didn’t have to modify the cardio work too much.

On the rower, we had 3 rounds of 400 meter rows with ground to press using a medicine ball after the row. But my station ended up having a broken rower so I used the bike again. I did the bike for 2 minutes (approximately the time I do a 400 meter row in) and then got off the bike for the ground to press. It wasn’t that bad having to do more bike work and I’m ok with missing the rower.

And on the floor, we had 3 blocks. The first block was the longest and had single leg deadlifts (I used the wall for balance), squats, bicycle crunchs, and hip raises. The second block was a bit shorter and it was mini-band work with hip bridges and scissor crunches. And the last block was a 1 minute plank and I used the bench to help keep the nausea from getting worse. Overall, it wasn’t my best workout but it wasn’t my worst either.

Friday’s workout was much worse for me in terms of my pain and nausea. I was having what I hope will be the worst day this cycle and I just had to tolerate it and hope for the best in my workout. I am so grateful that my coaches know me well enough to know that when I’m having a bad day that they don’t have to worry about me. This was a day I wanted to be left alone for a lot of it.

For cardio, we had 2 blocks. One was a 4 minute block and the other was an 8 minute block. For the 4 minute block, we were supposed to have increases every 30 seconds and for the 8 minute block we were supposed to have increases every minute. For both blocks, I just kept the bike as my base pace resistance level. I couldn’t really do any more than that and I had to take a lot of breaks during each block.

For the rower, both blocks were similar. The first block was rounds of 100 meter rows with medicine ball squats between each row. And the second block was rounds of 200 meter rows with medicine ball squats between each row. I was fine with the squats for the first block, but by the second block, I discovered that squats were making me feel super nauseous. I had to skip the squats but I did do overhead presses with the medicine ball.

And on the floor, we started with walkouts to pushups. I was able to do 1 of them just fine, but then I realized that being facedown like that wasn’t going to be ok for me. So I just did pushups using the bench instead. Then we had a lot of weight work. We had sumo squats with upright rows, shoulder presses, hip bridges to chest fly, bicycle presses, sit-ups with rotation, and hip raises. I was able to do most of the weighted floor work without modifications, but I was working very slowly.

Saturday’s workout was a strength day and I was feeling a little better than how I was on Friday. I was still struggling, but I was able to do a bit more than the day before. I’m glad I was since with strength days there is a lot of incline/resistance work and I wanted to do a little.

For cardio, we had two blocks that were almost the same. They had a mix of push paces, base paces with incline, high incline power walks (or high resistance slow biking for me) and an all out at the end. I did add resistance on the bike for the hill work, but I stayed within my normal push and all out range. I didn’t do anything too extreme but at least it was something.

For the rower, we had 1 long block. We started with a 700 meter row and then we had arm raises using the mini-bands. Each row went down 200 meters with more mini-band work between. I was surprised that I was able to do the rowing without taking any breaks, even for the long ones.

And on the floor, we had another 1 long block. We had weighted lunges, bench situp to stands (I split these to crunches and squats), lunges with torso rotations, plank work, and hip bridges. I had to make modifications to not me totally face down, but that was it for changing things up. So it was another workout that made me feel not too horrible about how I was feeling since I was close to the actual workout.

And I had another accomplishment in my Saturday workout. I have a goal of doing 200 workouts this year. This year isn’t quite half over, but I made it to the halfway mark of my goal!

I wasn’t worried about getting to half my goal by halfway through the year, but it’s nice to know I did it and with a week to spare! That doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on myself, but it does make me feel extra confident about hitting my goal.

I’m prepared to have another tough week this week. Besides the usual issues I knew I’d be dealing with, I hurt my ankle over the weekend. I’m doing better than I was when I hurt it, but it may still restrict things for me. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens.

Back To Union Working (Elections, Contracts, and More)

I had missed the last Union Working meeting and I honestly missed being able to go. I had something else I had to attend that evening that had to take priority so I knew that I was missing it for a good reason. But that didn’t change the fact that I missed the meeting, the people, and education. I have really come to love the group and value the time I spend at the meetings. I have gone so long without having a group of like-minded people and I don’t want to skip out on seeing them.

So when I knew there was a meeting this week, I made sure I marked it in my calendar right away. I didn’t want to miss it or accidentally schedule something else that evening. The meeting was held at a new location for me and I didn’t know how long it would take me to get there in LA traffic. I ended up giving myself more than enough time and was there over 30 minutes early. But a few of the leaders of the group who are my friends were there that early as well so we took advantage of that time to do our usual friend catch up.

The focus of the Union Working meetings for a long time was the commercial contract negotiation. Now that is done, we have moved on to the next contract negotiation which is the tv and theatrical contract. I’m starting over with my education about the contract just like I had to start with the commercial one. But I know that it’s just a matter of time before I understand it as well as I understand the commercial contract. I just have to be patient with myself and make sure that I take advantage of all the educational opportunities about this contract that I have.

A big chunk of this meeting was about the contract negotiation and explaining why it is so important to be an active participant in the union. We are currently having our wages and working conditions meetings for this contract, but right now all those meetings are during the time that I work. I want to try to make it to one, and I just have to hope that there will be more meetings in the future that are in the evening. But even if I can’t attend any of those meetings, I have other ways to stay educated and involved and I am making sure I focus on that.

Another big topic discussed was the upcoming election. Because Union Working is a non-partisan group, no specific slate or candidates are endorsed. Instead, they encourage people to consider all candidates and to choose who they think would be best. They don’t encourage voting an entire slate because you like one or two people. I do tend to vote my entire slate because I agree with what we stand for, but I don’t expect others to necessarily do the same. And I make sure that when I am at Union Working that I try to stay as neutral as possible.

With this upcoming election, Union Working is trying to organize a town hall with all the candidates for National President. I think that is an amazing idea and I really hope that it can happen. I know that some of the candidates are currently working on either a tv show or film, so it is not easy to schedule one time that everyone can be available. But hopefully, there will be a date that works for everyone so the entire group can hear what everyone says. The idea of the town hall would be that every candidate would be asked the same questions so we could compare their answers to each other. I think that is a great way to do it so that it doesn’t become a debate or that one candidate has the opportunity to answer and others don’t.

There were a few other things discussed in this meeting that need to be kept confidential for certain reasons, but a majority of the meeting was information that can be heard by everyone. So I was running the Facebook Live video like I usually do and made sure that I paid attention to any comments the video was getting so I could ask questions for anyone watching online (this time there weren’t any questions, but I never know when there will be so I stay alert).

The meeting ended exactly on time and I had to rush out of there to get home. I was dealing with some really horrible nausea during the meeting and I just wanted to be home and in my bed. I know I looked sick because a few people asked me if I was ok, but looking sick was the only thing that was really obvious. I didn’t have to leave the room when my nausea hit because the waves were somewhat mild (even though they didn’t stop which made it feel worse). But I did make it through the entire meeting and didn’t miss any of the information which I was grateful for.

The next meeting should be the town hall event and I’m really excited to see that happen. And hopefully it will be a great election season event that helps many people feel excited to vote and it will be a way for them to really understand what the candidates believe in and want to accomplish.

Wrong Turns Lead To Good Things (or A Random Run-In)

It’s probably good and bad that I have so many things that are routine in my life. Sometimes that means I’m on auto-pilot and that can lead to repeating a mistake or not being aware when I should. But it also helps to be efficient when you know the routine and what to do in what order. I’m in a routine with grocery shopping which is something I’m trying to stop. This isn’t necessarily referring to foods I eat when I have binges, but my day to day normal food. I know which aisles in which grocery stores the things I want are.

Breaking this routine is a hard thing to do because I’m not super inspired by food or cooking right now. So it’s easy to get the few things I know that will work for my meals and just get out. When I have the time to be a bit more methodical in the grocery store, I take advantage of that and try to break out of my rut and find new things. And that’s something I was able to do earlier this week.

I was at the store looking for a few things that I normally don’t get. It wasn’t anything fancy or weird, just some condiments that I wanted to add to some of my regular food to give me some variety. I had no clue where to find those things in the store so I was wandering up and down every aisle. And while I was lost and looking for the last few things on my list, I heard a familiar voice saying my name.

It was one of the women in my mentoring group! We’ve actually run into each other at the grocery store before. Our group has been lucky and most of us live very close to each other. But there’s only been one member of the group that I seem to run into at the store. I think we live closest to each other so that does explain it. But it’s always still a surprise and so fun when we run into each other like that. We usually get to do some catching up and it always makes my day better.

This time, I was even happier to see her randomly because her husband recently went through a major health incident. He needed surgery and was in the hosptial for a while. I knew about this because she emailed our group, but I had been hesitating to email her back because I didn’t know if her husband was still improving or if things had taken a turn. I was hopeful he was continuing to heal, but I was scared to email something if it was going to upset her. And then I felt guilty for not emailing. It was an unnecessary thought cycle and I didn’t know how to get out of it. But seeing her at the grocery store allowed me to apologize as well as know that she and her husband are ok.

And that’s exactly what happened. It obviously was a very stressful time for her, but she has been handling it so well. And her husband has been making strides in his recovery that even surprises his medical team. The situation was not something I would hope anyone would go through, but they are having the best case scenario of a bad situation.

I also got to hear some of the little updates about other things in her life. But I joked that she should wait to tell me some of those until we have our next brunch as a group. But the little things I did hear are all amazing things and I love that she is continuing to progress with her project and that things are working out so well for her. She has been working on this project for years and I love that it is all coming together. It gives me hope that all the hard work that I’m doing will pay off in a similar way.

I would have loved to spend all afternoon catching up, but I did have to finish my grocery shopping. I had frozen things in my basket and I was still on the hunt for the things I needed. Turned out those things were only 1 aisle away. But I’m so glad I didn’t find it sooner because I probably wouldn’t have run into my friend and had that awesome and unexpected moment in my day.

Sometimes, I think even if you don’t realize it at the moment, you end up going exactly where you are supposed to be. And this random grocery run-in was the perfect example of that.

Another Online Class (or I Just Have To Keep Trying)

For a very long time, I have tried to find a way to recover from my eating disorder. I’ve tried lots of different things and nothing has been the fix I have been looking for. But as I have tried more and more, I’ve also realized that there is a chance that nothing will be the perfect solution and I have to probably use multiple tools and skills to get into recovery.

Most things I have tried have benefitted me at least a little. Or even if I found no benefit, I have learned that they aren’t the right thing for me and I don’t have to worry to keep trying it. Sometimes, thinking something might work can be stressful and it’s nice to know that it won’t so I don’t have to waste any brain space on it. And some of the things that I didn’t find super beneficial at first have connected with me at another time and they are helping.

Right now, I’ve got a few things that have been helping me. Those include the medications that I’m taking, the therapy that I do, and some of the books and research that I have continued to read. With my medication, it’s been an interesting journey with having to change things up to figure out the right dosage. I think what I’m taking now is a good dose and I do feel it helps. And there is a chance that I will be adding another medication soon which should help more. But that decision will come in the next month or so. Therapy was much more helpful in the beginning when I was still trying to figure things out. Now that I have a lot of the answers I have been looking for, therapy is a good check-in, but it’s not as mind-blowing as it was before. I don’t have a lot of huge realizations in therapy, but I do hope that I might have some from time to time as I continue to grow.

And the books I have read about recovery have been one of the more helpful things because it has made me feel less alone in this entire thing. Eating disorders can be isolating and I feel like binge eating was even more isolating because it wasn’t understood to be an eating disorder until recently. I have found some online communities that have helped, but I think the books and research I do have made me feel less alone than those communities.

One of the first books I read that connected to me was “Brain Over Binge”. Many people raved about the book and said it helped them recover when nothing else did. I went into reading the book hoping it would do the same for me. While it didn’t, it did bring a lot of insight into my eating disorder and helped me think very differently about it. I read the book a while ago and knew I wanted to read it again, but then I heard about the online course that the author of the book was doing.

I knew she had done other online courses before, but I never really looked too much into it. I knew it was out of my budget at the time so I didn’t focus on what it offered or what it was about. But for some reason, this time I really wanted to see what the course was about and really put some thought into if I could find a way to afford it since I know that finding a way to recover is priceless (as cheesy as that sounds).

Because of some of the changes that were made to the course, it was much cheaper this time than it was before. Its still something that I had to budget for and find where I could not spend money so I could pay for it, but I knew I had to go for it. This is worth it for me to try and I didn’t want to skip an opportunity just because of money.

The course is 8 weeks long and it just started this week. The entire thing is online and there are assignments Monday-Friday. Some of the assignments are worksheets or journal prompts and some are listening to different types of audio coaching. Everything can be downloaded so I can keep the resources forever. I am making sure I download everything because I want to have access to them whenever I need them. I don’t know if this course will connect with me right now, so I want to have the ability to try again later if I need to.

I’ve only done a few lessons so far, but I am enjoying them. Even though a lot of the information is the same I got from reading the book, they are presented in a different way and it feels different. I’m trying to not have too much pressure with myself to make this course be the thing that gets me to a place of recovery, but I do have a lot of optimism that it will help at least a little and maybe more than anything else I have tried before.

Like I said, I have realized that recovery is going to require multiple tools and skills and every time I add another one it can only be a good thing. Of course I want this to work perfectly and be everything I need, but I am looking at it as another option and tool I can use when it feels right. And if I can have a tool or skill to use for anything that may come my way, that’s going to help me win this battle no matter what.

Time Flies (or I Didn’t Realize I Would Be Here So Soon)

I’ve written about time moving quickly multiple times. I know that’s part of getting older. Someone once said that it happens because each year you get old a single year represents a smaller portion of your overall life. That makes so much sense to me even though it doesn’t help with making time go by slower. I try to be mindful every day so time doesn’t slip away, but it seems like that still doesn’t help all the time.

Sometimes it’s almost embarrassing when I realize how long it’s been since I’ve seen a friend or talked to them in person or on the phone. Texting and social media do help me stay in touch with people, but I know I need more than that to maintain my relationships. I recently texted a friend to say happy birthday and mentioned how we were very overdue for a catchup phone call. Then I realized that it might have been almost a year since we talked on the phone! We’ve texted and messaged in the past year, but I should be better about having more regular phone call routines.

Another place where time has just flown by has been with the temporary job I have been doing for my old boss. This has flown by in a few ways. First, I can’t believe that I’m in my last 2 weeks with the job. I have been working very hard since it started because there was so much work that I had to do. I think being that busy has made things fly by and I didn’t really focus on more than just getting the work done that day. I didn’t think about how it’s been a few weeks or a month. I knew that it was going to go quickly because it was a temporary job, but I guess I didn’t think it would feel this quickly.

And because the time flew by, I made a mistake that I said I wasn’t going to do again. I stopped focusing as hard as I should have on my job hunting. Fortunately, I am in a better spot than I was before because the money I made with the temporary job will hold me over for a little bit. But it won’t last forever. And I told myself I wouldn’t wait until the job ended to work on job hunting. But that’s exactly what happened. And now I’ve got only a few more days of work without a clear plan on what to do next.

I am grateful that I have a lot of job hunting sites that I was using before so I don’t have to worry about finding where to look for work. That doesn’t make finding a new job easier, but at least the prep time won’t be needed again. I just have to find the time to really focus on job hunting so I can find something soon.

But the other problem with time flying by with this job is going to affect my ability to job hunt. I knew how many hours my contract was when I started it. I obviously want to do every hour in my contract so I earn all the money I can. And I thought I had a good plan with how to split up the hours each week so that I would be able to finish them all. I know there were a few days where I couldn’t work due to how I was feeling, but I honestly thought I had made up for what I had missed. But when I looked at the hours I have to do for this final paycheck, it’s significantly more than I expected. I will be able to get them all done, but I need to work more hours than I have ever done for this job and I may also need to work on the weekend. It’s not what I expected to have to do, but it’s what I would do.

Because of all the hours I need to work, I know that I won’t be doing the job searching like I should be doing (and should have been doing this entire time). I guess I can’t be too upset since I haven’t really been doing what I said I’d do. So missing another week or so it’s going to ruin too much. But I am upset that I didn’t do it this entire time and now I know I’ll be worried about work again. I’m putting my feelers out again and I also hope that maybe there will be another temporary job I can do. I’m trying to stay optimistic that I won’t have a huge gap in work, but I also know I can’t depend on my optimism and that I have to put in the work.

With time going so quickly, I just have to hope that it won’t be a long time before I do find that new job. I don’t want months to fly by and I realize I’m out of money. I don’t have as much control in this situation as I would like, but I know that I have more control than what I have been doing so far.

Working Hard (or Some Normal But Tough Workouts)

This past week of workouts was a really good week for me. They were good workouts, I was not dealing with any nausea, and I had lots of opportunities to work hard. These weeks are the weeks that really help me feel amazing about the hard work I’ve been doing and I love them!

Monday’s workout was a strength day and it was a pretty standard strength workout. Lots of incline/high resistance work and lots of opportunities to work on weight work. Even though I loved all the themed workouts the week before, I was equally as happy to see one of the more standard workouts that I also love.

On cardio, we had 2 blocks. The first one was base work with no hill work and base work with hill work with an all out at the end. Even the all out had hill work which is not too common. I was playing around with the resistance levels on the bike to see which ones felt like the right levels for me. It was a bit tough to figure it out because the hill work was so quick, but it gave me a bit of an idea of what I want to use next time. And the second block was a 5 minute hill with the incline/resistance level going down every minute. I was able to plan it out so that the last minute was going to be at the resistance level between my push and all out levels. I needed to make that last minute a bit easier because my legs were so tired by the end of the 5 minutes.

On the rower, we had 2 blocks but they were very similar. The first block started with a 1 minute row and then we had lunges with medicine ball rotations. After that, we repeated the distance we did with the first row and had more lunges between each round. And the second block was the same idea but we started with a 30 second row. And on the floor, we had one long block. We had deadlifts, side lunges, regular lunges, crunches on the Bosu and Spiderman planks on the Bosu. I wasn’t using my heaviest weights for the deadlifts, but they were only one weight down from my heaviest. And I did go heavier for the weight on my side lunges.

Wednesday’s workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power. I feel like each section of the room was a good mix of those 3 things and it made for a really tough class!

For cardio, we started with a 90 second push pace to a 60 second base pace. Then we repeated that and the goal was to maintain what we were able to do the first time. Then we had our hill work. We had all outs with hills (again, not something we normally do) and each round the hill went down. I was trying to keep my resistance levels on the bike above my normal all out level for all the inclines, but by the last one, I had to drop down to the level between my push and all out. The high resistance levels are really tough, but I’m getting more motivated to work on them.

On the rower, we started with an 800 meter row and then we had squats to shoulder presses with a medicine ball. Each row went down 200 meters and we had the same squats to shoulder presses each time between the rows. I was struggling more than I expected with the rowing. I don’t know what I didn’t have the same endurance that I’m used to, but I had to take a lot of breaks with each row. It was really weird and I just had to be ok with it and keep going.

And on the floor, we had 2 blocks. The first block was shorter and was using the bench. We started with being in a plank position on the bench and then we had single arm reverse fly using weights. And then we had sit-ups on the bench to squats. I really can’t do the sit-ups to squats in a single movement because when I’m on the bench my feet don’t really touch the ground. So I split up the movements and did all my sit-ups and then stood up and did all my squats. And the second block was all mini-band work but the mini-bands were around our arms so that was much better for me. We kept the mini-bands in the same spot the entire block and we had hammer curls using weights, scissor kick crunches with our arms up, and plank in and outs. My arms were really sore in the best way at the end of the workout because of all the mini-band work.

Friday’s workout was another strength day. I think being on the bike has made strength days a bit easier for me since I struggled with the inclines on the treadmill so much. I do struggle with the higher resistance levels on the bike, but not as much as I did with inclines. We had 3 blocks for all 3 sections of the room. The blocks were 2 1/2 minutes, 3 1/2 minutes, and 5 minutes. And each block within a section of the room was pretty similar.

For cardio, we started with a 1 minute hill, 1 minute base pace, and 30 second all out. We had the same pattern for the second and third blocks but the second block had a 2 minute hill and the third block had a 3 minute hill. My 1 minute and 2 minute hills were above my normal resistance levels and I did the 3 minute hill at my normal all out level. It was very tough to do 3 minutes with that high of a resistance level, but I felt so amazing when it was done and I realized I was able to do it!

On the rower, we had the same assignment for each block. We had rounds of 150 meter rows and then we were supposed to do lunges with tricep work using a medicine ball. I don’t mine doing lunges between rows if I don’t have to do that too often. But when we have to do lunges more often I really can’t do them because it’s hard for me to step in and out of the rower. So instead of the lunges, I did squats which worked out fine for me.

And on the floor we sit-ups, toe reach crunches, low rows using weights, shoulder presses with weights, and sumo squats. For the second block, we added torso rotations and all the weighted work was 2 rounds instead of 1. And for the last block, we added double crunches and had 3 rounds of the weighted work. I was able to go heavy with my sumo squat weight but not as heavy as I would have liked to for the other work. But I also know my arms were tired by the time I was on the floor because of all the tricep work on the rower.

Saturday’s workout was an endurance day. It was nice to have a break from all the strength work I had earlier in the week, but that didn’t mean the workout was any easy. It was still really hard and challenging and I got to test myself.

For cardio, we had 3 blocks. The first and last block were both 4 minute distance challenges. The second block was to do half the distance from the 4 minute challenge and then do squats until time was callled. For the second block, I cheated a bit and just did another challenge for time because I didn’t want to get off the bike. But for all of the blocks, I did the entire thing at my push pace resistance level. It was so hard to do that for 4 minutes at a time, but it was a great boost to my self-esteem when I found out I could do it.

The rower also had 3 blocks. The first and last block had a 90 second row, squats, a 45 second row, squats, and then to row until time was called. The middle block was a 3 minute row for distance. I was worried that I would struggle with the 3 minute row, but I did it without needing to take a break which was another boost to how I feel like I’ve been doing.

And on the floor, we had one long block. We had weighted chest presses, push-ups, triceps on the straps, plank work, single leg bicep curls with weights, and hip bridges with weights. It was a lot of work and my muscles were getting so sore after completing each round. I did take breaks when I needed to and I was still able to get almost 3 rounds done before the workout was done.

I really felt so accomplished after this past week of workouts. It’s so nice to just have a great week with lots of awesome work. I need these to make me feel better when I’m having a bad week. And I’m so glad I have this one in my recent memory since this week may be when my nausea kicks back in.