I’ve been having some battles with food lately. Nothing as bad as it’s been in the past, but it’s not as good as it’s been lately either.
I’m making crap choices with my food. I’m still logging them in to My Fitness Pal so I’m able to keep track of my calories, and that’s helping me a lot. When I’ve made bad choices, I’m still trying to stay under my calorie goal for the day. I’m not sure if this is a good plan or not, but it’s what’s happening and I figure I might as well share it.
I remember when I was in group therapy at the UCLA RFO program and we would discuss calorie goals. I remember the group leader saying that it doesn’t matter if you eat 1,200 calories of fruits and vegetables or 1,200 calories of Dove bars. It’s still 1,200 calories and if you are below your calorie goal for the day, you will lose weight.
And I’m totally aware that eating 1,200 (or whatever your calorie goal number is) calories of good food is better for you. You will be able to eat more, feel fuller, and have a more nutritious day.
But sometimes, all that practical reasoning doesn’t matter.
So on Monday, for example, I ate a relatively healthy breakfast (at 11am since I worked a late shift that day), but in my craziness of getting ready I forgot to pack my lunch. There aren’t a ton of healthy choices that I can get in my 30 minute lunch break (7-11 for fruit and yogurt is one of my best options), but I didn’t feel like doing that. So, I went through a drive-through. I got food that normal people eat on occasion and nothing too crazy. I didn’t get fries or a soda. And I planned it out so that I was still under my calorie goal for the day.
This meant that I couldn’t eat dinner when I got home from work, so my last meal of the day was at 3:30pm.
Was I hungry when I got home? Yes. Did I eat a small dinner? No.
I didn’t want to go over the calorie goal for the day. And in a twisted way, I wanted to punish myself for eating the crap food at lunch.
My plan did work a bit. I gained a portion of a pound, but I’m pretty sure that’s from the excess sodium in my lunch. It helped me feel more in control that I knew I was under my calorie goal.
Yes, I realize how crazy I must sound, but in the years that I got therapy for my eating disorder, I learned that I’m probably going to battle this my entire life. I’m going to have moments where I’m weak and eat things I shouldn’t. But part of winning the battle is how I react after. I didn’t give up for the day on Monday and eat more crap for dinner. I said that I was done with my meals and went to bed a little hungry. And the next morning, I was back on track with better eating.
That’s how I know I’m getting better.