Monthly Archives: August 2012

My Love/Hate Relationship with the Scale (or Can I Drop Kick a Scale without Hurting Myself?)

One thing that I’ve found in common with most people with eating disorders is the love/hate relationship people have with their scale.

I used to love my scale. I would weigh myself dozens of times a day. After I ate a meal, after taking a shower, after using the bathroom, before and after a workout. I was obsessed with the daily fluctuations of the numbers on my scale. I learned how to manipulate it to my advantage before I had weigh ins at my therapist. If I had a huge meal before I was going to see her, I knew exactly what to do to make the scale be either the same or only a little higher than what it was last time. As much as I’ve tried to forget some of these things, some of it is stuck in my head. I will always remember that the Chinese food binge that I enjoyed would add 5 pounds on the scale. The gain was a mix of the amount of food and the bloating from sodium.

The scale that I had back then broke. I was devastated. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a new scale. That old one was my friend and I trusted it. And that exact model wasn’t made anymore so I couldn’t find an exact replacement.

After a few months of not having a scale. My mom bought one for me without me knowing it. If I had known she was going to do that, I would have told her no. I didn’t want another scale. I didn’t know if I could trust another one.

I’ve had that new scale for several years now. I’m still obsessed with the number on it, so I make a big effort to only step on the scale once a day. That doesn’t happen all the time, but I’m trying.

But recently, my scale has been showing signs of it not working quite right. I’ll weigh myself and somehow I’m 8 pounds lower than yesterday. I step off and get back on, and I’m at 1 pound less than yesterday. If I step on it a few times in a row in the morning, it can be as big as a 10 pound difference.

This is a huge problem for me and keeping my mind in the right mindset. So with the long weekend ahead, I think I’m going to venture out to Bed, Bath, & Beyond (with a coupon), and look into getting a new scale. I might go for a less high-tech one because I feel that might help the lifespan of my scale. Right now, my scale does weight and body fat and has 3 profiles on it for different family members. I don’t need all of that.

All I need is a scale that I can use and hopefully love more than hate.

My New Favorite Happy Hour Place (or Free Hot Dogs)

Wednesdays are nice at my job because I work “normal” work hours. I’m only there from 9-5:30. And I have a friend who has Wednesdays off, so we normally hang out after I’m done with work.

There are a bunch of good happy hour places near my job (the advantage of working in Santa Monica), but yesterday, my friend wanted to go to Bar Food because it’s down the block from her house.

She had told me about Bar Food before, but I just hadn’t checked it out yet. And I was very happy once I was there. Happy Hour prices were great, and you get a free hot dog as long as you order a drink. I wasn’t drinking, but my friend ordered a drink so I got her hot dog. And then we split an order of fries (which were $3.50).

So since I only had water, my bill for the evening was only $2! Not bad. I did check out the drink menu and there were a lot of yummy looking drinks. I just was exhausted (and haven’t gotten paid for this pay period yet), so water was just fine with me.

Another nice thing about Bar Food is the free parking that’s all around. There are so many places where free parking is impossible to find. The only downside to the free parking in the neighborhood behind the bar was it was a permit only parking area from 8am-6pm. So since I got there at 5:45, I just sat in my car until 6 when I knew it was safe for me to park there.

I’m totally going to be going back there more often! And yes, the free hot dog was pretty good!


*I know it might sound like I might have been paid to write this post, but I swear that this is my honest opinion of Bar Food. But if they want to pay me in free drinks for such a positive review, I wouldn’t turn it down. ūüėČ

I’m A Lazy Cook (or I’m a Fake Vegetarian)

I’ve been making a conscious effort to prepare more of my meals at home. I’m probably going to always stop at Subway every so often for my veggie sandwiches because sometimes when I’m done with work at 9pm, I really don’t want to have to think about dinner.

I’m a decent cook. My mom is an awesome cook, and for some reason, I didn’t inherit her cooking abilities. As long as I have a recipe, I’m good. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be the person who looks at what is in their fridge and can come up with an amazing meal.

The cooking part I don’t mind, it’s the clean up that I hate. Also, I hate that most recipes are for 4 or 6 servings and there’s just me. There are only so many days I can eat the same thing in a row. And when I’ve tried to freeze my leftovers, I end up forgetting about them until it’s a questionable amount of time later.

So I’ve been pretty lazy with my cooking. A lot of salads, a lot of yogurt creations, and once it’s cooler here I’ll make a bunch of soups.

But one thing I’ve discovered is that for some reason, I pretty much cook vegetarian at home. I’m not a vegetarian at all. I love steak. But steak seems to be the only meat you can cook and not have to worry if it’s done enough. Chicken can’t be only partially done. And I’m not too fond of fish. But steak is expensive, so unless I’m having a crazy craving for it, I won’t buy it.

I think I need to get over my issues with eating so many leftovers. Maybe I can try to cut each recipe in half so I don’t have so many meals left over. And I’ve seen single serving recipes before, but that just seems like too much effort for only one meal. I’d like at least one extra serving.

Any recommendations for cookbooks that have recipes that only have two servings? That would be awesome!

Planning Way Too Far Ahead (or I Want It Now)

I have a bad habit of thinking a million steps ahead. If I have a big audition, I’m already thinking how amazing the paycheck will be and how long I could survive on it. When I’m trying to lose weight, I don’t focus one pound at a time (as I should), I get overwhelmed by the number of pounds I want to lose.

I also plan very far ahead when it comes to events. I was good and waited until this month to buy a dress for my friend’s wedding in October. But I also bought stuff on that trip to wear at Thanksgiving and a holiday party I know I’ll be attending.

My brother is getting married in a little over a year. I was texting with his fianc√©e last night and she said that they are planning on getting married in Kauai. I’m pretty excited about that because I haven’t been to Hawaii since I was 11 or 12.

So of course, last night I was already looking at what dresses would work for a Hawaiian wedding (definitely not the dress I got for my friend’s wedding). But styles could change in the next year.

I could change in the next year.

I’ve never really had a stable weight. I’m always going up or down. I never know what size I’ll be in the future. So planning ahead is tough.

I’d love to lose a majority of my excess weight by their wedding (I know that it’s totally possible). But whenever I have set a weight loss goal for a major event, I’ve failed. And that failure makes me feel horrible about myself.

So right now, I’m enjoying “window shopping” online for dresses. And I’m trying to focus on the small goals with my weight. I’m trying to look at the non-scale victories, because those seem easier to control.

Hopefully, those little victories that have nothing to do with the scale will increase my confidence and decrease the number on the scale, even if I’m not looking or focusing on it.

I Wish I Was 4 Again (or Where Did My Confidence Go?)

On Saturday after work, I headed over to my friend Erin’s house. Erin started out as my hairstylist¬†back in 2006 and we quickly became friends.

When I don’t have enough money for her to do my hair, she’ll do it free as a favor. And when she needs a babysitter for her 2 kids, I’ll help her out for free too.

On Saturday, she was going to do my hair and then I was going to watch her kids so she and her husband could have a date night. After my hair was done, I started playing with her kids (who I will refer to as O and K to protect their privacy).

I’ve been watching her daughter O since she was 1 (she’s 4 now) and I’ve been watching her son K since he was a week old (he’s 1 now). I love her kids. They are so much fun and her daughter has the cutest most ridiculous personality. When O was 2 and I was over babysitting, she asked her mom “what beverage do you suggest I have with my movie?”. Seriously?!?!? What kid says that?

On Saturday, O decided to model her new back to school boots for me. I held up my phone to take a picture and instantaneously she went into a crazy pose. Then she posed a couple more times and demanded that I take pictures of those too.

She never worried about looking silly or if that wasn’t the best angle for her. I wish I could be that calm when taking a photo.

Whenever I’m having my photo taken (headshots or casual photos), I’m always thinking about how I’m posed. Is this my best side? Do I look thin? How is my hair? Am I more towards the back so I look skinnier? I once read that if you press your tongue to your teeth when you are smiling, your face looks much thinner. So I always do that.

I wish that I could have the carefree confidence that O has. It’s so freeing and beautiful to watch. I’ll have to act more like her in the future.

I’m a Book Nerd (or Seriously, I’m a Book Nerd)

Ok, so update from the dentist quickly in case you didn’t see it on twitter. The visit did not go too smoothly. I’m going to need a crown on one of my teeth, which means two appointments in September, both requiring shots. Not really looking forward to it, but at least it will be fixed now and I won’t need a root canal in the near future.

On to a happier subject: how I am a total book nerd. I’ve loved books my entire life. I learned to read at 2 (a fact that my mom is still proud of). And as a child, I was a voracious reader. It might have been a little ridiculous.

While in middle and high school, my reading wasn’t quite as crazy. I was always reading this book or that book for school and reading for fun wasn’t on the top of my to-do list.

In college, I rediscovered my love for books (and the public library). Even though I had to still read books for school, I found more room in my life for fun books.

And since graduating college, I’ve only become a crazier reader. I have a soft spot for chick lit, but I’ll read almost anything.

Right now, I’m on a dystopian society book kick (thank you Hunger Games). But almost all dystopian society books are young adult books, so that’s where I’ve been finding my books lately.

I’ve read the first 2 books in the Delirium series, the first 2 books in the Divergent series, I’m working through the Uglies series, and I’m still looking for more (recommendations would be appreciated).

And for good measure, here are some of my other favorite authors:

Stephanie Bond (especially her Body Movers series)
Lindsey Kelk (Love her I Heart series)
Jennifer Weiner (Everything she writes is awesome)

Hope some of you will be inspired to read some more, and maybe check out some of my favorite authors!

Cutting Out My Favorite Drink (or Goodbye Diet Coke, Diet 7-Up, Fancy Water)

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved diet sodas. There was never regular soda in my house growing up, so I truly enjoyed the flavor of diet soda.

At some point in college, my body stopped liking caffeine. Pretty much, my body will have symptoms of caffeine withdrawal pretty soon after drinking it. So I stopped drinking Diet Coke and started drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke.

I also have a love for Diet 7-Up and those no calorie flavored carbonated waters you can get at the grocery store (I’m partial to Albertson’s peach flavor).

In 2006 and 2007, I was on a no food diet. Literally, no food. I would only consume 600-800 calories in shakes each day. It was done at a hospital and I was being monitored each week, so it was safe. But during this time, I craved any flavor other than the chocolate shakes that I survived on. I would drink between 2-4 of the peach flavored no calorie carbonated waters a day. And each of those drinks was 1 liter. That’s a lot of soda. I also drank a lot of caffeine free sodas (I was on a weird orange soda kick for a while).

I’ve cut out most sodas in my life. I’ll occasionally get a caffeine-free Diet Coke at or a Diet 7-Up when I’m at the store. But I never was able to stop drinking my flavored carbonated waters (which I lovingly referred to as yummy water).

But now, Albertson’s doesn’t carry yummy water anymore. Or if they do, it’s in one of the weird flavors like blueberry acai berry. So I’m taking this opportunity to make a serious attempt to limit my fluid intake to water (and the occasional alcoholic drink).

This isn’t just a health thing. Sodas are expensive. Those yummy waters are $1 each. It adds up. I’d rather spend my money on paying off my debt or enjoying outings with friends.

I’m not going to try to cut out sodas and yummy waters completely. I feel like that is setting myself up for failure. Instead, I’m going to say only 2 sodas or yummy waters a week. And once that seems easy, I’ll cut it down to 1 a week.

So I had a caffeine-free Diet Coke today to say goodbye. I’ll see you again soon.

My Fear of the Dentist (or Why I’m a Faint Risk)

Yesterday I was talking about how I’m scared of going to the dentist. I think I should explain my fear a bit more.

As a kid, I don’t remember ever being scared of the dentist. I didn’t like having impressions done or the bite things they put in my mouth for the x-rays, but that’s nothing.

Now, I’m shaking and have to take panic medication before going in.

The main part of my fear is my issue with needles. I tend to faint when needles go in my skin. I’ll faint for flu shots, blood draws, IVs, anything. I’ve gotten better where I can remain conscious most of the time, but I’m still listed as a faint risk at the hospital I go to. I only started having problems with needles as an adult.

This is what I learned in hypnotherapy (don’t judge me for that please) about my fear of needles. When I was in high school, I had a rabbit named Jasper. He was a huge rabbit and my family loved him a lot. Jasper had a jaw abscess and my parents knew that we could handle his medical care with some guidance from the vet. We had to keep the area clean with saline twice a day. Normally my parents did this, but there was a morning where my mom was out of town or something so I was helping my dad. I wasn’t feeling right when I was filling the syringe with saline and I told my dad I thought I was going to pass out. He thought I was just being a wimp and said I wouldn’t faint. Next thing you know, I’m passed out on the kitchen floor. Somehow, my mind now associated needles with fainting.

I’ve had to have dental work in the past where you have to be numbed up, and that involves shots. And yes, I’ve fainted in the dentist chair. I really don’t want that to happen again.

You never know when you are going to have dental work done that involves needles. I inherited bad teeth, so I know that eventually I’ll probably need another filling or have one of my crowns redone.

But my smile has always been one of my better features, no matter what weight I am, so I’ll continue to take my panic medication, go to the dentist, and hope that this time, I won’t faint.

I’m Tired (or The Day to Day Struggles)

I’m really tired. Physically tired, emotionally tired, and mentally tired.

I’m physically tired for a few reasons. One is that I haven’t slept well in a few weeks. I had previously posted this picture of my alarm clock in my bedroom:

Little did I know that that would be one of the cooler nights in my room. Since the 10th, it has not been below 86 degrees in my bedroom when I have gone to bed. Most days, it’s in the low 90s. I know that by being heavier I get warm easier, but I don’t know too many people who can sleep soundly in a room that is 90 degrees. I don’t have a good solution for this problem. My house is locked up all day when I’m at work and I don’t want to stay up too long trying to cool it down. I’m just hoping the heat wave is over soon.

I’m emotionally tired because I’ve had a few ups and downs over the past few weeks. I was so excited for my birthday, and then I get into the car accident. I was happy to get my car back, and now I’m stressed out more than I should be about going to the dentist and dealing with my new dental insurance (if anyone uses the standalone SAG-AFTRA Guardian dental insurance and has advice, please let me know). I have a horrible fear of the dentist. I make myself so nervous that he’s going to tell me that all my teeth are in horrible condition and they all have to have crowns or be replaced. I’m normally ok when I just go to see the dental hygienist (she’s very nice and understands my fear), but on Thursday, I have the double whammy appointment: see both the dentist and the hygienist. I’m getting x-rays, an exam, and a cleaning. And then I have to calm down somehow after that to go to work.

And my work is another thing that is making me tired. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so incredibly grateful for my job. It got me out of a job situation that wasn’t working for me anymore and I’m making 2 to 3 times what I made at my old job. But working 6 days a week is starting to get to me a bit. At first, I didn’t really notice it. Fridays and Saturdays are half days, so I have all afternoon to get stuff done. But only having one full day off is starting to be tough. I pretty much always have to do laundry and grocery shopping that day. And I try to work out that day too. And after all the cleaning, shopping, and working out; it seems like my Sunday is over. I’ll have some 2 day weekends soon. I believe we get Labor Day off and in late September my dad is coming to visit me so I’m taking a Monday off of work. There is an off season for this job, but it’s unknown when it will start. Originally, the job took a hiatus in November and then again after the new year, but now we might go straight until January or February.

I know I sound like I’m complaining, and I am. But sometimes you have to just put this stuff out there in order for it to be out of your head. I’m really trying to focus on all the positives in the tired situations. Even though it’s hot in my room now, the heat wave in LA is ending soon. Even though I’ve had a bunch of emotional ups and downs, I have my car back now and by about this time on Thursday the dentist visit will be over. And even though working 6 days a week is tough, I have an awesome job that is allowing me to pay down my debt much faster than I previously had.

Hopefully these ideas will keep me feeling energized and not tired soon.

Shopping Adventure Results (or Why Do Things Have to Be Backordered?!?)

On Saturday after I was done with work, I made the drive down to Anaheim to go to Kiyonna. Since everything was 20% off, I was planning on buying a bunch of things.

When I get to the store, I’m ushered upstairs where the boutique is (it’s almost like a personal shopper experience there). I tried on a ton of stuff, and while things fit, they didn’t necessarily fit right. Beside being plus sized, I’m short. For some reason, that’s an unheard of combination in fashion. If you are big, you are also tall. But not me.

So a bunch of dresses looked ridiculous on me. But at least I was able to try stuff on. And since Saturday was the only day that things were 20% off, a lot of stuff was backordered.

I walked away with one dress.


Not exactly sure what I will wear it to, but it was under $100 and it can be altered pretty easily if I lose weight, so I got it. When I showed it to a friend last night, she agreed that it would be perfect to wear to The Magic Castle if we get another invite soon.

I also put in pre-orders for some backordered items.

I got this dress for my friend’s wedding in October.


I love how this dress is styled in this picture. I’m hoping to find some cute and comfortable colored heels for the wedding (my friend has told me that there will be a lot of dancing and to come prepared).

I also pre-ordered this top. It was backordered in black, and it will also be coming in teal soon, so I ordered both colors.


I figured that that is a pretty great top for a lot of events. I might even wear it for Thanksgiving.

Even though most of the items I wanted were not in store, I still got everything 20% off, so the financial damage wasn’t too bad.

Now I’m just antsy waiting for my backordered items to arrive!